UPJOKE

I'm Pregnant Jokes

What do "I'm pregnant", "we're pregnant" and "she's pregnant" have in common?

They all have *contractions*.

Wife: I'm pregnant.

Me: Hi pregnant, I'm dad!

Wife: No, you're not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife says to her husband, "I called the surgery saying I think I'm pregnant, and they said to bring in a specimen. What do they mean?"

He says "I don't know, but Mary next door has been pregnant loads of times, so why not go and ask her?"

So off she goes, and she comes back later with a fat lip, a thick ear, a nosebleed, a black eye, and half her clothing ripped to shreds, and her husband says "What in the name of Jesus, Mar...

Mom I'm Pregnant....

-Mom I think I'm pregnant

-Are you drunk?

-How do you know?

-A mother knows everything Kevin...

Girlfriend said "I think I'm pregnant, I'm two weeks late..

..April fools!"

Girl: I'm pregnant.

Guy: Come again?

Girl: That won't be necessary

Hey honey, I'm pregnant!...

...What would you like it to be?


Him: A lie

Girlfriend: How am | gonna tell my dad I'm pregnant?

Me: Leave that to me.

*later at dinner*


Her dad: *coughs* I need water.

Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant.

Woman: Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!

Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.

FP Edit: RIP my inbox

A good, Catholic Irish girl goes to her father and says, "Dad, I'm pregnant"

Quick as a flash he replies, "Are ye sure it's yours?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Mom, I'm pregnant"

Daughter: Mom, I’m pregnant!

Mom: I thought I told you when a guy touches your boobs, you should say don’t, and when he touches your vagina, say stop.

Daughter: But he kept touching both, so it came out: ”don’t, stop, don’t, stop"

Her: I'm Pregnant. Me: You're Kidding...

Her: Yes, exactly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a c...

Mother and daughter go to a store to buy clothes...

**The mother tries on a dress and asks her teenage daughter:**

**Mother: Does this dress look good on me?**

**Daughter: Mom, you promise that no matter what I say you won't be mad?**

**Mother: I promise.**

**Daughter: I'm pregnant.**

"Honey! I'm pregnant, and we'll be happily expecting a baby soon!"

Says the woman.

But her wife was not happy.

Mom! Mom! I'm pregnant!!

ￚ Oh God, honey, where was your head at?!
  

 

ￚ Ummm against the passenger door, I think

A lady happily tells her husband, holding a testpack result. "Darling, I'm pregnant!"

Tears running the husband's eyes, he says "Hi pregnant, I'm dad"

Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, "I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I'm pregnant with triplets!"

"I got mine done yesterday too," says Linda. "I'm pregnant with septuplets!"

"I think I'll get my ultrasound done next week," says Martha.

The three women chat some more. Finally, Heather says, "I go...

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says. "Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

Doc says, "No, you've got bowel cancer."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

Doctor told my wife "It looks like you are Pregnant"

Wife- "really, I'm pregnant?"

Doctor- "No, it just looks like you are Pregnant"

Wife- "it runs in our family"

Doctor "Nobody runs in your family"

The mommy whale went up to the daddy whale after taking a pregnancy test

She says to him, "Honey! I'm pregnant again! Can you believe it?"

With tears of joy he responds excitedly, "OMG Honey! This is amazing news! I've always wanted more children! I love you! Thank you!

She responds, "Your *whalecum.*"

“Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”

“Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant, Doctor?!”

“Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.”

A woman goes to the doctor after a sudden weight gain...

The doctor looks over her test results, then looks at the woman and says "well, it looks like you're pregnant."

"Wow, I'm pregnant?" The woman asked.

"No, it just looks like you are" The doctor replied.

A woman goes to the doctor

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of abdominal pains. After a series of tests, the doctor walks back in and says to the lady, "Well, hope you don't mind changing diapers!"

Stunned, she replies, "Oh my God I'm pregnant? I can't be pregnant!"

The doctor looks at her and says, "No...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college class was asked to write a short story in as few words as possible.

A college class was asked to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The only catch was the story had to include three subjects:

1: Religion

2: Sexuality

3: Mystery

Below is the only A* essay.

"Good god, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it...

An fat old man lying in bed calls in the nurse...

A polite woman rushes in to the aid of the obese man who has been placed on a strict diet.

"I'm pregnant!" he declares. "With an elephant!"

The old man start rubbing his bloated belly in large circles.

"How interesting... Elephants are pregnant for 2 years you know" says the nur...

Pregnant

"Oh, Mom!" sobbed Mary, "I'm pregnant!" "What? How could you?" screamed the mother, "And just who is the father?" The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed, "How should I know? You're the one who would never let me go steady!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Daughter in law is pissed at her new doctor....

After a thorough exam he told her, "Well, it looks like you're pregnant."

She said, "What, I'm pregnant?!"

Doc said, "No, it just *looks* like it."

The Perfect maid

They hired a lovely lass for the job.

She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.

"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pregnant woman in a train!

Pregnant lady: can I sit down in your place? I'm pregnant
Random guy: Hell no! Next time fuck someone who has a car!!

This woman stumbled upon something called "magic underwear"...

... She asked the manager, "What's magic about them?"

The man replied, "Well, if you wear it, you won't get pregnant!"

The woman bought the underwear but came back a few weeks later.

"You said that I won't get pregnant! It doesn't even work!" The woman lashed out at the manager....

April Fools!

girl: babe I'm pregnant you're the father

guy: can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!

girl: haha! got me! you're not the father

A man was talking to his girlfriend...

When the girlfriend said, "I'm pregnant."

The man replied, "I don't want to be a parent! Are you serious?!"

The girlfriend said, "I'm serious."

Then the man said, "Good, otherwise you'd be kidding me."

An obese woman goes to the doctor.

She explains to the Doctor that she has been very nauseas and vomiting, even more so in the morning. After many tests and examinations the doctor came to a conclusion, "It looks like you're pregnant." He told her.
The woman was very distraught with his diagnosis. "I'm pregnant?!" She yells.
...

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