UPJOKE

I'm Not Saying Jokes

Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where's my present?!
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Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy.

But he really saved the History channel.

Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman

But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.
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I'm not saying you will down vote this, nor I will say you will upvote it…

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two inte...
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I'm not saying I live in a rough area.

But the biggest car park near me is outside the Crown Court
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I'm not saying that I'm a bad driver...

But when I drive, my sat nav doesn't speak, it prays in Latin.
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I'm not saying I'm atractive but

Everytime I go into the bathroom and take my clothes off I turn the shower on.
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I'm not saying the staff in my local supermarket are thick, but when I asked if they could open Till 2, the manager replied..

"We're already open till 10 most nights. "
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not saying I'm ugly.

But when I'm watching porn the hot sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.

I'm not saying that no one who hasn't done time can understand prison. But I am saying you had to be there.

Literally, you had to. They wouldn't let me leave. It sucked.
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I'm not saying woke culture is killing comedy...

..., but when I made a joke about my obesity, the crowd booed me and told me "How dare you!? You're handsome!"
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I'm not saying my local Walmart is bad.

I'm just saying it has a police precinct.
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I'm not saying the wife is fat or anything.

But when she gets on the scales... they read "sorry one at a time please"
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I'm not saying my house has too many books

But I just saw an orang-utan in the kitchen, looking for a banana.
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I'm not saying my ex is fat...

But my memory foam mattress took a year to forget her.
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I'm not saying that Asians are bad drivers...

But I'm beginning to think that Pearl Harbor was an accident.
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I'm not saying I'm racist, I'm just saying one race is better than another

The 100m dash is a lot better than the 400m. The 110m hurdles are also good
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(One for those in the UK today) I'm not saying it's hot in my living room...

But two Hobbits just walked in and threw a ring into it.
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Looking at my ceiling and ya know, I'm not saying it's the greatest ceiling in the world...

But it's up there.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) I'm not saying I jack off a lot...

but my computer looks like Spiderman saved it after it fell out of a window.

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people

I'm just
saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
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I'm not saying the women in my local pub are ugly...

But there's a paper bag machine in the gents'.
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I'm not saying I hated my late wife...

But after she died in a car crash, I kept in touch with the lamppost.
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I'm not saying I'm gluten intolerant...

...I just wouldn't want it dating my daughter.
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I'm not saying I'm a lazy loner.

But I didn't even get an invite to my own birthday.
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A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.

The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man...
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I'm not saying my neighbor's dog is fat

But she's more than a little husky.
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Guys, I'm not saying that Flat Earthers, Anti-Vaxxers, and Creationists are unintelligent people but...

there is a reason why shoes with Velcro straps come in adult size.
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I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat...

But two Hobbist just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now I'm not saying my dentist is a sex machine

I'm just saying he REALLY knows how to fill a cavity.

I'm not saying all factory workers are robots...

All I'm saying is when they get to work they've returned to their factory setting.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not saying it's too long since I got laid,

but this morning there was a bottle of extra virgin olive oil in the food cupboard, and now there's just a bottle of olive oil.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not saying my wife has bad breath...

But during blow jobs, my penis is the one gagging.

(Overheard at work) I'm not saying 2020 has been a long year...

But we just celebrated my son's third birthday and he was born in January.
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I'm not saying my wife is stupid

But she thought Remembrance Day was for people with Alzheimer's.
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I'm not saying I'm lazy, but during a game of tennis...

The umpire said "break point" and I headed for my chair.
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I'm not saying I value sandwiches more than equality.

But my favourite part about LGBT is the BLT bit.
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I'm not saying my wife is fat...

But I put an energy saving bulb in the refrigerator.
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I'm not saying that I am unfit...

But I just tried mud wrestling and the mud won.
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I'm not saying I drive a small car

But whenever I get home, my garage asks if it's in yet.
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I'm not saying my cat is old..

.. but if it was a person, it would be too old for Roy Moore.
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I'm not saying I hate you...

but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
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NSFW I'm not saying she's got a big coochie but...

....half way in an old man with a grey beard would not let me continue on until I answered three riddles.
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I'm not saying...

Putin is humiliating Obama, but the last time a Russian treated an African America like this, Apollo creed died.
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Now I'm not saying you're old...

but if you were milk I'd smell you before pouring you on my cereal.
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I'm not saying cosmetic surgery cured my depression

But it definitely put a smile on my face.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not saying I have a big dick

But I can do a three legged race by myself

I'm not saying that my ex-wife has bad teeth,

but she smiled in Tesco once and the barcode scanner thought she was a set of saucepans.
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I'm not saying that the people in my city have bad teeth...

But a guy just went through the self scan checkout at Wal-Mart, smiled and the barcode scanner picked it up as an electric crockpot.
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Now I'm not saying I hate my job, but I dont exactly love it either.

Being an elevator inspector definitely has its ups and downs.
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I'm not saying I got too excited when I kissed that saxophone player...

But I jazzed in my pants.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not saying I leave my wife sexually satisfied...

But my neighbour just asked me to turn down the bass.

I'm not saying my wife's a snob

but even her colostomy bag is a Louis Vuitton.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not saying my wife's a fat,......

I'm not saying my wife's a fat, greedy bitch, but she's just cleaned the cooker with two fucking slices of bread.

Sugar tongs

A mother from Brooklyn decides to pop in on her son Michael to see his new Manhattan apartment. When she gets there she's shocked to learn that her son has a female roommate.

Her son assures her that there is nothing going on between him and his roommate, that they have separate bedrooms, tha...
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