UPJOKE

I'm Addicted Jokes

I'm addicted to pistachios.

I know, that's nuts.

I'm addicted to brake fluid

It's ok I can stop anytime I want

I'm addicted to bestiality with wolves but I'm getting better.

I'm down to a pack a day.

I'm addicted to placebos.

I could quit but it wouldn't matter.

I'm addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.

But I'm quitting "cold turkey".

I think I'm finally ready to admit I'm addicted to looking at myself in the mirror.

I need to take a long hard look at myself.

I'm addicted to seaweed...

Seeking kelp

I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums.

I need Help.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hi, I'm Ted and I'm addicted to making puns.

Everyone: Hi Ted!

Ted: the final straw was when my friend said to me "you need to stop making puns, it is selfish and mean. You're a dick, Ted"

I'm addicted to Boxing Day sandwiches.

I'll have to go cold turkey.

I'm addicted to molasses...

It's a viscous circle.

Help me please, I think I'm addicted to water

I feel like I can't even live without it

I'm addicted to being a bad drummer

I wanted to quit but I just couldn't beat it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to be addicted to masturbating. Now I'm addicted to sex...

It got out of hand.

My doctor tells me I'm addicted to procrastinating.

It's not true, though - I can start whenever I want!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm addicted to deli meats

The worst part is my therapist keeps recommending cold turkey

I'm addicted to DIY repairs.

I can't stop thinking about my next fix.

A man tells his doctor : "Doc, help me, I'm addicted to Twitter"

The doctor replies : "Sorry I don't follow you..."

I'm addicted to taking showers...

..I've been trying to get clean for years now.

I'm addicted to poverty

If my bank account has money in it I suffer withdrawal.

My girlfriend sent me a text saying I'm addicted to video games.

All I could say was "LoL, Wow"

A dude walks into a Dr's office and says "Doc, I think I'm addicted to Twitter".

The Doc looks at him and says. "Sorry, I Don't follow you".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey r/jokes, I'm addicted to annoying my friends with Shaggy dog/legfoot jokes! Share your best!

I love the style of shaggy dog and/or legfoot (forgive me if I am getting names wrong) jokes. The long jokes that have a simple pun at the end but take ages to get to the pun. Great for when I'm drinking with mates! Please share any you know :)

My bike needs new brakes.

I'm addicted to riding it though. I just can't stop.

My family held an intervention for me today...

They say I'm addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers, I said I can quit cold Turkey whenever I want

I've developed a craving for strong female characters that I can't seem to knock. That's right...

I'm addicted to heroine.

I recently quit smoking meth

I've been having vivid dreams of using again. the upside is it's a free high with no real life consequences, the down side is, now I'm addicted to sleep.

Placebos

Turns out I'm addicted to placebos. I thought I could quit any time, but then withdrawal made me psychosomatic and gave me hypochondria.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going home for the holidays is always awkward for me.

I arrived at my parents house where my mother was already hard at work in the kitchen baking and preparing for the meal tomorrow.

She came out to sit with me and we talked through our most recent Netflix obsessions, favorite foods, and caught up on each other's lives.

After our discuss...

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