UPJOKE

Hot Girl Jokes

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[NSFW] Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work

...but, she had a boyfriend

One day he got so desperate he went up to her and said,

"I'll pay you 100$ if you have sex with me."

The girl looked at him shocked and said,

"Hell, no!'

He said,

"It'll be real quick, I'll throw the money on the ground...

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In the club last night i bought this hot girl a drink.

I then watched her give that drink straight to her boyfriend. Usually that would piss me off, but it was just as funny to watch him drink that Roofie.

I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.

That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

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I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”

Then she did and my day was ruined.

A man goes up to a hot girl

A man goes up to a hot girl in the supermarket and says, “I’ve lost my wife somewhere. Can you talk to me for a few minutes?” The woman is confused and asks, “Why talk to me?”

The guy says, “Because every time I talk to a hot woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

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Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was.

She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.

Picked up two HOT girls on valentines day ...

First time i ever had two HOT GIRLS at the same time.

I love driving for UBER.

Hot girl at prom

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually get...

Met a hot girl in the bar

She said if I give her 500 bucks she'll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

I just slept with this smoking hot girl...

It was a lucky strike.

What did the hot girl say when she was overcharged for her bikini wax?

That was a rip off!

So, two hot girls asked me to join them for a threesome

No thanks, if i want to disappoint two people at the same time i will just talk to my parents

I tried to ask out a hot girl yesterday, but she said she had a boyfriend...

I said I had a math test.

She was a bit confused, so I said "I thought we were naming things we could cheat on."

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There's this hot girl in my college writing class.

Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.

Elon Musk's DM to a hot girl: "Will send pics of my rocket. Lots of thrust. Gets up fast! Wink. Wink." Girl responds…

"Would be nice if it didn’t explode after 2 minutes."

A hot girl asked me if i wanted to watch a movie

Yesterday, a hot girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie

She asked, "What would you like to see?"

I said, "You pick".

She said, "You pick".

I said, "I don't care, you pick".

She said, "Sir, there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets."

A man dies, and wakes up on a beach.

There is nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. Suddenly, Satan comes up to him.
"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me", he says. ...

A really hot girl was checking me out today.

Then I paid her for the groceries and left the store.

My friend invited me to a threesome with a super hot girl.

We were going for about an hour, it was great. Then I asked “So when’s this girl getting here?”

A hot girl texted me "Come over, no one's home"

So i went over...
And no one's home

I know why super hot girls aren’t political...

...no matter what party wins, they still get invited to it.

I finally got the attention of a hot girl

That's the joke.

I was talking to a hot girl at my friends funeral

I got mourning wood

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"Excuse me," I said to the hot girl sat in front of me on the bus.

"You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."

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A guy walks into a bar and sees this hot girl

Guy: Hey there, would you like to hear a joke about my penis?

Girl: Ok, tell me!?

Guy: Let it be, it's really long!

Girl: Hey, do you want to hear a joke about my vagina?

Guy: Yeah, tell me

Girl: Forget it, you'll never get it!

Hot girl in my apartment

I got this hot girl back to my apartment the other day, we ripped each others clothes off and just went
at it on the floor.

I had her on her back and went down when she said "David, can you take your glasses off they're digging into my thighs?" So I took them off and we carried on.
...

Me seeing a hot girl half my age in the gym: "If I had a dollar for every time someone asked you out in here..."

Her: "I'd go out with you"

What’s the difference between a hot girl and a mouse?

One charms the he’s and the other harms the cheese.

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If time and space were hot girls, you could only fuck Space

Because Time is relative.

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The hot girl from next door just came over and told me to stop stealing her clothes!

I almost shit her pants!

Yesterday I Found A Very Hot Girl

And I recommended her to drink some cold drinks or get a shower.

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My friend called me the other day.

When I answered he told me that he met a hot girl that wanted a threesome with two guys and wanted me to help him out.

"I don't know," I replied, "I've got a lot going on right now."

After him begging me and telling me how hot the girl was for about 20 minutes, I finally agreed to it. ...

I gave a wine bottle to a really hot girl yesterday

I should have probably given her a bottle of water because the wine didn't help with the fire.

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A hot girl just winked at me with both eyes

Later virgins!

Are hot girls made up of oil ?

Because when I try to look at their face, my eyes slip.

A smoking hot girl walks into a bar.

A guy at the bar says, "Wow, you're gonna get laid tonight!"

She replies, "Hehe, how do you know?"

He replies, "Because I'm stronger than you."

I met a hot girl. We had dinner yesterday.

At least I'm assuming she had dinner.

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A hot girl sitting on a large towering plant is commonly seen near where I drive to my house.

Cunt tree roads take me home.

I was bragging to my friends about how I had a date coming up with this hot girl...

My friends laughed and made fun of me, saying that she probably doesn't even exist.

But the joke's on them, because they don't exist either!

How to end a conversation with a really hot girl you befriended online ?

Reply: "I am from Delhi,India."

Don't you hate it when you meet a hot girl who says she's "bi"...

...then the next morning you realize she meant "polar".

Met a really hot girl last night, but my buddies we're telling me "Forget her, dude, she's way out of your league".

I'm going "Oh, you think she's too pretty for me?". They're saying "No not that, it's just that she's in the Minors".

One Friday, a boy takes a super hot girl to a jewellery shop and buys an expensive necklace.

One Friday, a boy takes a super hot girl to a jewellery shop and picks a diamond necklace worth $100000 for her.

The girl obviously felt awesome. Boy gave a check and said he will collect the necklace on Monday after the check clears.

On Monday the jeweler calls the boy: "There is no ...

I met this really hot girl while I was working the polls...

ID'd her real good.

I met a really hot girl who says she only dates guys who know semaphore.

Raised a couple of red flags.

Why do hot girls always travel in threes?

Because they can't even.

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I'm an old guy, and I fuck at least 3 super hot girls in their mid 20's every week

I'm a student loan collector

How did the farmer plan to pick up the hot girl at the bar?

A tractor

So this hot girl checked me out today...

The total was $7.83

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A businessman had been away from home for a looooong time.

So, he goes to a brothel and tells the head madam: Listen, I'll give you $200 if you find me a decent girl who can give me an average fuck. The madam told him that for that amount of money she would get him a hot girl who would give him a helluva fuck to which the businessman says: but you don't und...

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Yesterday i went to a party

I met a really hot girl and we immediately hit it off.
After some time we began kissing in another room

She asked me: " 20$ for a blowjob?"
I replied: "sure"

Should have seen my face when she pulled out 20$

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls.

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls. The guy walks up and down the beach in his bathing suit and nothing. Nobody looks. He comes back to his friend and the friend says "try a speedo". So he walks up and down the beach in his speedo. Nothing. The girls aren't reacting. So his...

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In Wild West, a poor miner goes to a brothel

He had worked very hard and saved money but when he asked for a girl, they all turned out to be too expensive for him. Seeing his disappointment, the madam took a pity on him. She handed him a small wooden board with a hole in the middle and said,

"Here, you can look at the girls and fuck thi...

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