UPJOKE

Hit Me Jokes

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

My wife says if I don’t stop making puns about Russia, she’s going to hit me.

If that’s the way it’s going to be, then Soviet.

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation.

A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."

She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"

He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

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A guy named Oedipus just hit me with a car.

That Motherfucker

Hit me with your best Dad jokes?

What does a person with two left feet wear?

FLIP FLIPS!

This guy said he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar....

I said, “Is that a fret?”

Argued with a shop assistant and she hit me with her labeling gun.

Now there's a price on my head.

hit me with your best yo momma joke. I'll go first.

Yo momma so nasty even the crabs done migrated.

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Masochist: GO AHEAD! HIT ME!

Sadist: NO!

I was driving by a sign that said "SLOW - School Zone" when it hit me...

A child to be exact.

A car hit me once

but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

My father used to hit me with his camera.

I still get flashbacks.

When I was a kid if I was naughty my dad use to hit me with polaroid camera.

To this day I can still have instant flashbacks.

Hit me with your best clever, yet kid friendly, jokes

Context: I work at a a company that works with large groups of children. At least 3 times a day someone if telling a joke to the whole audience. The problem is, I've been working here for 6 years and at this point there are very few kid friendly jokes that aren't the same 6-7 or ancient repeats from...

My dad hit me with his Radio

It hertz

My father only hit me once as a child.

But he used a Ford Transit.

A music critic told me I wouldn’t know music if it hit me in the face.

I knew a friend that had that experience

He’s in the hospital because he was listening to hard rock

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I was taking a shit, when it hit me...

Kinda sucks, being an astronaut.

Mum hated that it was illegal to hit me as a child, so she gave birth to conjoined twins…

I guess if you can’t beat ‘em…

My wife hit me while she was doing yoga...

In her defense, I put myself in ‘arms way!!

I was researching infinity until it hit me...

that endeavor would take me forever

Someone hit me in the head with a bottle of omega 3 tablets the other day.

It's OK, it was just a super fish oil wound

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My ex randomly hit me up telling me she was feeling lonely and wanted some company....

No lie I kinda missed her too so I told her to come through. We hang for a bit and then she went up to go to the bathroom to "freshen up". Next thing I know this motherfucker gone and I have no toilet paper.

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

When my dentist reminded me about my husband’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed and laughed about it for a while, but then it hit me....

We have different dentists...

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

So I'm walking down the road I feel something hit me on the head.

So I look around I see it's a mango.

Next thing a tub of yoghurt comes out of nowhere and smacks me in the face and splashes yoghurt all over me. Then I get whacked in the neck with a banana and I take a paya-paya to the head and it knocks me out.

So I wake up and the police are the...

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My wife hit me with this one last night [NSFW]

Me (jokingly): I need you to fill out a consent form before we have sex

Her: Nah, Alexa records everything so verbal consent will do

Somone hit me with a block of cheese yesterday

I turnt arround and said 'That was mature wasn't it? '

My brother just hit me with a milk carton

How dairy

Some French guy hit me with a baguette

I got pain

The son comes home crying and tells his mother "the lady next door hit me!". So the mother goes over and asks why she hit her and the lady replies "your son called me fat!". To which the mother replies...

"...and you think you'll lose weight by hitting him?"

So my wife just hit me with a "mom joke".

She says, "oh look, there's whiteout conditions in Washington D.C. I bet Will Smith is gonna boycott"!

Seven year old brother hit me with this one

Him: How do people look at the internet?

Me: How?

Him: With their google-y eyes

I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me...

I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.

Something hit me at high frequency today

It really hertz.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

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Some guy who wasn't looking where he was going hit me with a stick today

So I beat the shit out of him.

And for good measure kicked his Labrador too.

When my dad died, it hit me really hard…

Drunken idiot fell on me off the ladder…

Saw a man in a parking lot throwing Stephen King novels at people

I couldn't figure out why. Then It hit me.

I almost had to fight someone today after they hit me with a stick,

but he walked away like he didn't even see me.

My friend sneaked up behind me, and hit me over the head with a block of cheese

I said “Oh that’s very mature.”

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A copy of 'Oliver Twist' fell off the shelf and hit me on the head.

It hurts like the Dickens!


< source: LOL Cats>

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(NSFW) So my girlfriend hit me with a frozen chicken

My girlfriend hit me with a frozen chicken.
She was getting something out of the freezer. Her skirt was lifted. Man, I was so horny at that moment. So I took her underpants down and started to fuck her. When suddenly, she grabbed a chicken and hit me in the head with it. I was surprised, and aske...

I was walking home last night and someone threw a block of cheese out the window and it hit me on the head...

I turned and shouted "That wasn't very mature was it?"

As I helped my friend with some speaker equipment, he asked "Will this make a sound if I unplug it?" I smiled as a wave of nostalgia hit me square in the heart. "What's up?" my friend asked, noticing my change in demeanor.

"That's the last thing I said to my grandma."

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Two blokes were on a plane one day.......

........ and they were sitting side by side. Coincidentally, they each had one black eye. They started talking.. 'hey mate do you mind if I ask how you got your black eye?'. 'Yeah no worries', the other one responded. 'I was at the airport check in and when I got to the counter, I couldn't help but ...

You know the majority of folks down south hate left leaning politicians and it finally hit me as to why.....

They watch nascar drivers lean left 500 times every Sunday and just cant take anymore left in their life.

When I first heard about the death of the dinosaurs, a few things about it hit me real hard.

Thankfully it wasn't the asteroid.

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Some guy was texting and driving and nearly hit me.

I was so pissed i rolled my window down and threw my beer at him.

My book fell from above and hit me on my head

All I can do is blame my shelf

I was watching the Grammys when something hit me

my dad

My father never hit me but when I was bad he would take off his belt...

And then he would take off his pants. Needless to say, I didn't like the way I was reared.

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A pirate walks into a bar ...

... and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle ...

Friend at work hit me with this. (Sorry if repost.)

If a Stork brings white babies, and a Crow brings black babies. What brings no babies?

The Swallow.

Some douche bag hit me from behind in the street yesterday and ran off with my limbo stick.

I mean really, how low can you go? |

My dentist hit me in the mouth...

...he really hurt my fillings.

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so my friend hit me up the other day with a pyramid scheme. started out with "hey do You want To be your own boss?"

i replied "no I don't like working for assholes"

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An Australian walks into a US bar...

...with a crocodile under his arm. The bartender takes one look and says, "Hey! You can't bring that dangerous animal in here!"

"Dangerous? That ridiculous!" the Aussie proclaims. "Watch this!"

He places the croc on a table and grabs a nearby newspaper, rolling it up. He hits t...

A woman once claimed she could hit me from across the kitchen with a fancy bottle of herbs.

I told her not to threaten me with a good thyme.

So I was walking down the street, when suddenly it hit me...

I guess I was too deep in thought to notice that bus coming.

The other day some guy came up to me, called me a Blockhead and then proceeded to hit me with his rhythm stick...

I though "That just adds insult to Ian Dury."

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I laid back last night and admired the sky above me, taking in the beauty of the universe when it hit me...

Where the fuck is my roof?

My wife hit me in the face with a frying pan and yelled, "That's for all the cheating!"

She has a weird way of apologising.

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

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After a long day at work, i decided to lay in bed and watch the stars. And then it's when it hit me

someone stole my fucking ceiling!

I saw someone robbing a store and went to stop him. He hit me with a bag of golden coins.

I guess you could say I had some cents knocked into me.

Did i tell you that someone hit me over the head with a power tool the other day?

Minding my own business, then next minute BOSCH.

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I couldn't figure out why someone was brushing their teeth out here at work, then it hit me...

My wife always brushes after sucking cock too!

I'm like a non-newtonian fluid.





You have to hit me to make me hard.

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Katrina Hit me hard, Wrecked my house, threw all of my possessions around and flooded my basement,

But I still think those jeans made her look fat.

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