UPJOKE

Height Of Jokes

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.

So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures...

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

The height of coincidence!

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.
When the son returned, he said, “Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.”

“Oy vey,” said the father, “What have I done!”

He took his problem to his best frie...

(True story) After reaching the height of his fame, Alec Guinness went into a restaurant and dropped his jacket off at the reception..

When it was time to give his name, the Receptionist told him it wasn’t necessary. Feeling flattered, Alec went to his table..

At the end of the night, he went to pick up his jacket. In the pocket of his jacket, there was the ticket stub. On the ticket stub, where his name was supposed to be, ...

It's a shame that, for all Weird Al's talents, he'll never know the ultimate height of fame

He'll never be parodied by Weird Al.

Height of internet addiction

At a funeral in church


A visitor: What's the Wi-Fi password here ?

Priest: Respect the dead.

Visitor: all small letters?

What's the height of stupidity?

I don't know, somebody ask OP how tall he is.

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At the height of WWII on the Eastern front...

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking assh...

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A general, a colonel and a major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex.

The general maintained that sex was 60 percent work and 40 percent fun.
The colonel said that it was 75 percent work and 25 percent fun.
The major thought it was 90 percent work and 10 percent fun.

At the height of the argument, a private appeared at the door. "Let's leave it to him," ...

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My wife was in the height of labour. Screaming in agony as I mopped her brow. She turned to me and grabbed my hand. Her face scrunched up and staring deep into my eyes, she let out a hiss and shouted, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!"

I smiled and calmly replied, "Well if you remember rightly, I wanted to do you up the arse but you said it'd be too painful"

Why is a Stormtrooper's height of 5'11" measured in feet and inches?

They use Imperial measurements

Height of sharing

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles ...

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

“Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still d...

The average height of a dwarf is about 3 feet tall

That's a little gnome fact

At the height of the Cold War...

At the height of the Cold War, a landmark summit was convened with leaders from every province within the Soviet Union. The representatives arrived very early but the meeting was still delayed. Why?

They were all Russian, but one was Stalin


Note: made this up after being inspired b...

What's the height of self confidence?

Farting when you have diarrhea.

My uncle Rob died at the height of ecstasy, in one of those seedy hotels, when the ceiling mirror fell on him

Sad to die alone like that.

What do you call a superhero whose power is misjudging the height of jumps?

Splatman

A woman tries getting on a bus but realises her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this...

A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:

"Doctor, where is the heart?"

To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left nipple"

The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.

A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper

"Elderly woman wants to commit suicide, shoots he...

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little ...

what's the height of trust?

two cannibals in a 69

It was the height of the Clone Wars, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin had just finished a heated battle against separatist spacecraft.

After making sure that the civilian freighter they were escorting was undamaged, they prepared to hyperspace jump back to Coruscant. However, just as their craft are about to enter lightspeed, a mysterious pulse of energy fries their systems and instead jumps them to a planet they’ve never seen befo...

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He...

Why did the paleontologist measure the height of a dinosaur using a T-Rex's foot?

Jurassic times call for Jurassic
Measures.

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

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A man, walking the High Street in Belfast at the height of the Troubles

Is accosted by a hand out of the side of his vision and pulled into an alleyway. A voice in the darkness asks, 'Catholic or Protestant?' The man, thinking quickly, says, 'neither, I'm Jewish!' 'Well fuck, that makes me the luckiest Arab in Belfast.'

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

The Confused Owner of Two Horses

He had two horses, but every time he had to deal with them, he always mixed them up, so he never knew which one got fed or the one that needed to be groomed.

While talking to a bunch of his friends, someone suggested that he could measure both horses to tell them apart. When he got back...

When Andrew Waugh was surveying Mt Everest in 1856 he came up with a height of exactly 29,000 ft. Fearing people would think that was just an imprecise estimation he reported it as 29,002 ft.

Because of this, some say he was the first to place two feet on the summit of Everest.

As I was telling my grandfather goodnight over the phone, he proceeded to tell me "the height of conceit."

Which in his own words:

"You know the height of conceit son? A flea floating on his back down a river, sporting a hard-on, yelling 'OPEN THE DRAWBRIDGE' "

That man.

I before E except after C

We feign agreeing, but this foreign poltergeist of a rule is neither efficient nor smart- and therein lies the height of the issue. It's as if an ancient deity has deigned to influence the zeitgeist of the people. We must remove the weight of this veil from their eyes, and forfeit the obeisance of t...

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In Russia during the height of the 1921 famine ,a bread queue has formed outside in freezing weather to feed the citizens but the bread truck hasn't arrived.

A party official comes up and says, "Hello comrades! There isn't enough bread to feed everyone today, so no bread will be given to any Jews."

All of the Jews, used to disappointment, shrug, pack up their things and go home.

Two hours go by as the snow keeps falling. The official return...

Did you know,

During the height of the pandemic, locksmiths were considered key workers!

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A trucker is driving his rig at night

He's on the phone to one of his mates. At one point he asks:

"Fred, what would you say is the height of the largest type of penguin?"

"That's a really weird question Tom, but I guess around 120cm"

"Ah... are you sure? Not tall as say, a human?"

"I wouldn't say so Tom, see...

Typical dumb blonde...

Billy-Bob and Jimmy are standing at the base of a flag-pole, looking up and scratching their heads, when a beautiful blonde woman walks by and inquires about their purpose.
"We've been hired to find out the height of this here flag-pole, such that we might fit it properly with the flag of this gr...

The Americans and Russians

at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's...

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Two men are staring at a pole.

After a while a blonde woman walks up to them and asks them what they are looking at.
One of them says, " We are trying to determine the height of the pole."
So the blonde quickly opens her purse, removes a spanner, unscrews the bolts and lays the pole flat on the ground. She then pulls out a ...

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Tragedy at the Bridge

One chilly evening, a redhead pulls up alongside a bridge. Down below is a half-frozen river, black and dangerous to behold, even fifty feet up. A fall would surely kill the redhead. He climbs over the railings and stands there, starting to weep.

A few minutes later, a brunette pulls up alon...

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Two Soldiers Walk Into A Bar...

It’s the height of the Vietnam War, and deep in the jungles U.S. Army Privates Chip and Dan have just been promoted to Sergeants.

Now Chip hasn’t always been the brightest bulb, and he’s been known to need some time to process big changes.

As Chip and Dan are doing their rounds one aft...

Have you heard of the ancient Amazonian tribe known as the Fugawi?

The average height of each adult was about 4ft, and they lived in an area with tall grass that would reach up to 6ft. They were know for jumping up and down in the grass fields announcing "We're the Fugawi! We're the Fugawi!"

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Three devout Italian nuns passed away…

Alt the gate, St Peter said they could come in - but as a reward for having led absolutely blameless lives, he would allow them all to return to Earth in the body of anyone, living or dead, at any time of their lives, for 6 months.

The first thought a bit, and said she would like to be Sophia...

A mathematician, physicist and an engineer...

... are trying to measure a building.


The mathematician tries to calculate the height of the building by using angle of elevation.


The physicist throws an egg off the top of the building and tries using the time it takes to fall.


The engineer walks up to the owner of...

Bad VR star wars joke

So there's a guy playing at VR game his friend walks into the room and sees him swinging his hands around like he's swinging a lightsaber and he assumes he's playing beat saber and judging from the height of his swings there are a lot of low blocks his friend taps hin on the shoulder and says hey ca...

Paddy and Billy were asked to measure a flagpole.

They're standing looking up at the flagpole trying to figure out how on earth to measure the height of the pole.

A young lady comes along and asks why they look so confused.
"We need to measure the height of this pole" says Billy.

So the young lady pulls the pin out of the bottom to...

A physicist walks into a bar and finds another physicist sitting alone drinking, so he walks up and asks if there's anything wrong.

He responds, "I can't find the variable for the initial height of a problem I'm working on."

The other physicist said, "Y0?"

Yet Another Bar Joke

Three friends walk into a bar. After a round, the first of the group speaks up. "I would like to reveal to you that I am actually a wizard!" The second friend said, "Good gravy, I am a sorceror too!" The third wasn't anyone magical, but felt pressured to say that he was. The first man said, "Let's h...

The oldest joke I know. Three men are working on a building site.

Every day, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.

The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.

“By god” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years and every day, despite me telling her how ...

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