UPJOKE

Handsome Man Jokes

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him...

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter

He told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and ...

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Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

Heavenly Ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And alt...

Two women die and go to Heaven...

...only to find it full of ducks. Saint Peter appears and says, "Hello! Welcome to Heaven. There's only one real rule here, and it's because God really loves ducks -- Do _not_ EVER step on a duck."

The women, slightly confused, agree to the terms. What choice is there? They head off into the...

A lady walks into a bar and sees a handsome man sitting at the counter.

She goes over and asks him what he's drinking.

"Magic beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after not icing that there isn't anyone else worth talking to, she goes back to the man and says

"That isn't really magic beer, is it?"

"...

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

\-Client: is room 39 empty?

\-Boss: yes, sir.

\-Client: can I book it?

\-Boss: of course you can.

\-Client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g. The boss agr...

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what ...

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Three married men sit at a bar. one ugly, one average, and one handsome

The conversation shifts to their love lives.

The first, ugly man says "My wife nor I are all that nice to look at, but we have a loving relationship with great communication. We both cook and clean and take care of each other. In fact, since we have trouble looking at each other in bed, we've...

A women is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog sa...

An extraordinarily handsome man

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. As he was searching for the perfect woman he met a farmer who had three gorgeous daughters. He explained his plans to the farmer, asking for permissio...

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An extremely handsome man was into a bar

An extremely handsome man was into a bar, wearing a 10000 dollar suit, and women clinging to each arm. Everyone turned heads as he approached the bartender. He takes a fat wad of cash from his pocket and throws it on the table. "Drinks on me!". He exclaimed and everyone cheered. Everyone flocked ...

What's the difference between a handsome man and Ross from friends searching for a melon?

One's a good looking fella and the other's a food looking Geller

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A handsome man fears he may have an awful terminal illness.

Thinking that if he did indeed have cancer as he suspected, and not really knowing much about how treatment worked, he thought that because he surely would never get laid again after he lost all of his beautiful hair that it would be best if he go to the doctors in one week.


So the man sp...

At a bus stop, a girl spotted a handsome man and she told him "I Love You"

The man placed his hand on her head and said, "This love and infatuation are nothing,
go back to your home and study hard so that you may lead a successful life".

He then placed a piece of paper in her hand and said, "I have written some words of wisdom for you. Read it before you sleep to...

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French fighter pilot.

A woman is working in the bar she owns when in walks a very handsome man. They get chatting and it turns out he is a frenchman named Piere. They get on very well. He tells her about his daring adventures as an ace fighter pilot. She is getting more and more turned on by him and, when she can stand i...

I walked into a bar once...

I went into a bar once and ordered a drink from the bartender. He puts down the drink and a side of peanuts. I take a sip of the drink and I hear faintly, "Man, you have great hair!" I was a little freaked out by it, because there isn't anyone in the bar besides me and the bartender, but the bartend...

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

Women are evil...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident and it’s a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. You're a hand...

After a tiring day

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, a woman that was sitting next to him pulled out her phone.

When she pulled out her phone, she started talking to someone in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart, it's me, I'm on...

Elderly Woman and Her Cat

An elderly woman sitting on her porch, petting her beloved cat. A genie walks up her sidewalk. "Ma'am, you have lived a happy and simple life, I wish to grant you three wishes."

The woman smiles, "Oh, I have to think, well, I would like to be 18 again." The genie nods his head and she transf...

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A real woman ...

A real woman ....
is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him t...

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A woman was waiting at a bus stop

The wait was going to be long. In the diner across the road, there was a fortune machine. 25 cents, the little slip of paper came out.

"You know how to play the violin"

Well that's not true, she thought. There happened to be a violinist in the diner, he let her try. To both of thei...

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A very fit, attractive man is jogging along the beach one morning...

...and he comes across a old, handicapped woman in a wheelchair, sobbing.


The man stops, and with concern in his voice, politely asks the woman what’s the matter.


She waves him off, but he insists. He wants to help.


“Well, it’s just that I’m an old woman in a whee...

Poor women

An elderly woman was cleaning out her attic one day. She come across an old lamp that she hadn't seen before. Start cleaning it to see what it is.
A genie pops out and says for setting me free I'm going to Grant you three wishes.
The woman thought about it for a while and said I have made my d...

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Emily was 30 years old, and really flatchested

Emily was 30 years old, and really flatchested. Depspite bad confidence she headed to a pub on a Saturday night.

After a little while at the pub a handsome man stood by her and asked ”why do you look so sad?”. Well.. Said Emily, you see.. I’ts because I look like a newborn girl in the chest...

An old woman is sitting on her porch when a genie appears

"You get one wish" he is straight to the point. woman thinks about it but she is content with her life. Just that moment her cat strolls by. With a mischievous smile she tells genie she wants her cat turned into handsome man. "Done" genie says and vanishes. And true to his word instead of a cat ther...

So these two ladies die

and are waiting in purgatory to hear the results of their life audit. A door opens and two men walk in. An angel walks in with an ugly, hunch backed gremlin of a man. The angel says "Nancy, in 1982 you killed a duck, your punishment will be to spend your eternal life with this man". He slaps the the...

Money makes every thing...

A girl missed her period 2 months ago,her mom
took her to the clinic for pregnancy test of which
it was positive.Embarrased, her mom said; who
is the pig that got you pregnant? The girl picked
up her phone and made a call, an hour later,a
young handsome man drove in Ferrari to the
...

I met a drunk ventriloquist at the bar last night.

She said I was the most handsome man she had ever seen. I wasn’t sure if it was her or the beer talking.

A plane crashed into an island and three friends were the only survivors

A blonde, redhead and brunette were left stranded on the island. Figured they would need help to get off the island, they split up to look any inhabitants that might help them.

The redhead stumbled on a magical lamp, rubbed it and out came a genie. "I will grant you one wish," said the genie....

3 Women goto Heaven where they’re addressed by St Peter

He says “we have 1 major rule here in heaven, there are a lot of Turkeys up here. Do not step on the Turkeys there will be consequences “

Accepting this rule the women nod their heads and go on into heaven. About 5 days later the first of the 3 women step on a Turkey. She is immediately calle...

The Three Wishes

A woman gets three wishes, BUT, says the Genie, for everything you wish, your husband will be granted your wish times 1000. She says, “I would like to be beautiful.” The Genie grants her wish, and says, you are beautiful, but your husband is the most handsome man alive. She says, “I would like to be...

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A girls sees a good looking guy at the bar...

as it had been a hard day, she decided to chat him up and take him home with her. "What are you drinking handsome?" she asks, in her sexiest voice. "Magic Beer to make me fly" he replies nonchalantly.
Some what taken aback, but not to be put off, she says "Ha, if it's magic beer then prove it". ...

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A visual joke...

So a woman goes to the doctor and asks about options to augment her breasts. She doesn't want surgery, so that rules out implants.

The doctor suggests a new technology for her bra that uses the inflatable pump mechanism that was made popular with basketball sneakers. If she helps trial the pr...

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

"Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there a...

An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.

The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes.

The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following:

1) she wants 10 million dollars

2) she wants to be 18 years old again

3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year o...

Handsome and rich and......

A man walks into a bar and everybody turns to look at him. He is the most handsome man any of them have ever seen. Even the men can't stop looking at him. On his shoulder is a little man not even a foot tall. He walks up to the bar and tells the bartender, I would like to buy a round for the house, ...

I man and his wife walk into a disco...

And in the middle of the dance floor there is a very handsome man with a great body and expensive jewelry. Who is busting some serious moves, back flips, moon walking, running man etc.
The wife turns to her husband and says "see that man he asked me to marry him ten years ago but I said no"
T...

I overheard my wife and her friends talking about how great their husbands are

My wife said that while I wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, she does sleep with the most handsome man in the neighborhood.


And as soon as I find out who he is I’ll break his goddamn neck!

Tell Her Yourself

A lady went to a salon to dress her hair. While dressing her hair, she noticed a handsome man sitting quietly in the shop. Suddenly the lady turned to the man and said Mr., you are so handsome can we meet later today?
The man replied 'I'm married'. The woman continued; "and so? You can just tell...

A catholic woman walks into confessional. [Long]

She sits down distressed and takes deep breathes to regain her composure. “Oh father” she says, “I have gravely sinned, I don’t know I can be forgiven”.

“Please speak freely my child” said the priest “only our lord can judge you”.

So she commences. —“Today I was walking to my apartme...

An ad in the newspaper

A woman's husband ran away, taking all their money and valuables. She eventually decides to move on by looking for love in the newspaper.

Her ad read: "Seeking lover.
•must not steal.
•must not run away.
•must be great in bed. "

A few days later, the doorbell rings. She o...

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Magic Beer

An oldie. Potential repost. Because everything is reposti.


A woman sees a a very handsome man sitting at the bar in an upscale rooftop pub. She convinces herself she needs to talk to this guy, and sits down beside him.

'What are you drinking?" The woman asks.

"This is magic ...

A bus full of ugly people

Heading to the national ugly people convention rolled off a cliff and everyone died. They ended up in heaven, St. Peter at the gates exclaimed “wow, you guys are ugly, I feel bad so I’ll grant you all one wish”

The first person says “I want to be beautiful”
Poof, he was a handsome man.
...

Two women in heaven

After falling in front of a bus and dying a women found herself in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates. she was let in with after having been told the rules of heaven.

"You can do anything you like, except step on a duck"

She found that odd bu twas happy anyway.

When she ent...

T.G.I.F (NSFW?) (Blonde)

A blonde gets on an elevator and notices a handsome man standing alone. She wants to strike up a conversation, so she says, "T.G.I.F."

The man replies, "S.H.I.T."

Thinking he must not have heard her correctly, the blonde repeats, "T.G.I.F."

Again, the man replies, "S.H.I.T."...

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Well, now she's fucked...

A young handsome man was walking down the beach one day when he comes across a woman with no arms or legs crying. He stops and asks her what is the matter. She says that since she was born with no arms or legs, she had never been hugged. So the man hugs her and she stops crying. The next day he e...

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A compassionate man

A young, handsome man was in the middle of his daily jogging routine on the beach. He sees a lone women with no arms or legs and she looks miserable. He stops and asks her if she is alright and she responds "I'm just so lonely. I've never received a hug in my life and I just want to feel normal." Th...

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A little old lady

checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely.

She thought,

"I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - ...

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