UPJOKE

Good News And Bad News Jokes

A guy isn't feeling well, and goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

The guy says, "I guess I'll get the good news first."

The doctor replies, "You're going to get something named after you."

Wife: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Husband: "The good news."

Wife: "The good news is that your car's airbag worked perfectly."

Good news and Bad News

Doctor: So, I have good news, and bad news.

Patient: Alright, I want the good news first.

Doctor: Okay. You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: WHAT?! What can be worse than that?!

Doctor: I've been trying to contact you since yesterday

A doctor walked in to see a patient. “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

The patient say, “What’s the good news?”

Doctor, “They’re going to name a disease after you.”

Boss, I have good news and bad news

Whats the bad news?

Im retiring today

Whats the good news?

Im retiring today

Good news bad news

Doctor: I’ve got good news and bad news, what would you like first?

Patient: Uuummm I’ll take the bad news first, just to get it out of the way.

Doctor: you have Dimentia, and it seems to have progressed pretty quickly.

Patient: Okay now give me the bad news, just to get it out ...

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The doctor said "I have good news and bad news..."

The good news is that your dick grew 3 inches.
The bad new is it's malignant

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Good News/ Bad News

A man walks into his doctor's office. The doc says "Have a seat." The man sits down and the doctor says " Well, I have good news and bad news. Which one would you like first?"
The man thinks for a second and says "I guess ill take the bad news first. Let's just get it over with."
The doctor re...

One day, the pope's assistant comes up to him with good news and bad news

The Pope asks him what's the good news first.

"We have Jesus Christ himself on the phone"

and then the Pope thinks to himself, well how could there be bad news? Jesus is calling him! Naturally curious, he asks for the bad news.

"He's calling from Mecca."

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client....

First the bad news:

The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

While on vacation, the warden of a supermax prison gets a phone call from the subordinate he left in charge, who has good news and bad news.

*"The good news is one of the serial killers we had serving multiple life sentences escaped."*

"How is *that* good news??"

*"Well after breaking out he stole a car and led police on a high-speed chase that ended when he wrapped the car around a tree at 120 miles an hour. He was killed ...

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Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.

"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."

"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.

"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."

"That's excellent!...

A doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news"...

"Ok, tell me the bad news first" says the patient.

"Well, you have incurable cancer" the doctor says.

"Oh my god, what could be the good news?"

"Well, you won't have it for very long"

Doctor- “I’ve got good news and bad news...

“Take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life and all your symptoms will disappear.”

Man- “That’s great! But I see there are only three pills in this bottle.”

Doctor- “Yeah, well... I was getting to the bad news.”

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

Good News, Bad News

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

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Tiger, I've got some good news and bad news.

"Ok Doc. Give me the bad news first."
"We had to implant metal rods in your legs which could impact your play."
"That's Terrible! I'm Finished! I'll never be able to compete again! What's the GOOD news!"
"You balls are 3 inches from the pin."

Bro, I got good news and bad news

Just gimme the good news bro.
The air bags in your car worked perfectly.

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After the surgery, the plastic surgeon said to his male patient "I have good news and bad news."

The patient said "Tell me the bad news first." The doctor replied "I'm sorry, but we couldn't make your penis larger."

The patient then said "What's the good news?"

The doctor said "We were able to make your hands really small."

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Good news bad news

Guy goes in to see his doctor and the doctor says “I’ve got good news and bad news. “
Guy says” well gimme the bad news first”
Doc says “You’ve only got three months to live. “
Guy says “wow! How could there be any good news after that. “
Doc says “Well you see that young pretty nurse in...

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Good news and bad news...

The good news is that I get regular sex with my teacher. The bad news, I'm home schooled.

Good news and bad news

Doctor: I have a good news and a bad news for you.

Patient: Tell me the bad news first...

Doctor: Dave, the mailman, is sleeping with your wife.

Patient: WTF? What's the good news, doctor?

Doctor: Your reports say you've got AIDS.

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The Creator looked upon Adam and spoke. "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I'm going give you a brain and a penis." "And the bad news?" Adam asked.

I'm going to give you enough blood," God
declared, "to use only one of them at a time."

A man goes in to his doctor's for an exam and the doctor says, "Well, I have good news and bad news."

The man says, "Give me the bad news first, Doc." The doctor says, "You've got a rare form of cancer. It's incurable and you have three weeks to live." "Oh my God!" says the patient. "After that, I'm glad there's good news. What is it?" The doctor smiles and points and says, "Do you see that good loo...

Good news and bad news

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try ...

Good news and bad news

A company of soldiers have been trudging through tropical jungle for three sweaty, dirty days, on a forced march.
The Captain calls his men to fall in, and says 'I've got some good news and some bad news to tell you.
The good news is, you are all getting a change of underwear.'
'What's the ...

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

Moses reaches the bottom of Mt. Sinai, gathers the people together, and says, "Alright everyone, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I got him down to 10."

"The bad news is adultery stays."

I've got good news and bad news

"I've got good news and bad news," said the doctor as I lay in my hospital bed.
"What's the bad news?" I asked.
"We have to amputate your legs."
"Oh God, no!!! Well what's the good news?"
"The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers"

The doctor has some good news and bad news

A guy had a problem with his foot and the doctor said he has to cut it off.
After the surgery the patient sees the doctor worried
P: What’s wrong, Doctor?
D: I have some good news and some bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?
P: The bad news
D: we cut the wrong foot off.
...

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.

Good News Bad News

Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad new...

A attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Paul, I have good news and bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $1-2 million. I think she could be right."

Paul...

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The Doctor says "I've got good news and bad news."

"Give me the good news first Doc!"
"Well, since your last full physical your penis has grown an inch and a half longer."
"That's amazing! What's the bad news?"
"It's malignant."

After the operation, there was good news and bad news...

"Give me the bad news first, doc."

"The surgery was a complete success, and you are expected to make a full recovery."

"Wait, then what's the good news?"

"It's April Fool's Day."

The Dr. gave Jim a call and said, “Hey Jim, I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“The good news - You have 24 hours left to live.”

“Oh my gosh, doc, what could possibly be the *bad* news!?”

The doctor replied, “I forgot to call you last night.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor tells his patient he has good news and bad news.

The patient says, "hit me with the bad news first, doc."

Doctor says, "Well, you have an inoperable brain tumor. I'm sorry."

The patient, now blubbering, asks "What possible good news could you have after something like this?"

At the question, a grin spreads across the doc...

The captain has good news and bad news.

The Egyptian royal barge returns to harbour after a long day ferrying the pharaoh up and down the Nile. The captain says to the tired oarsmen 'Right, lads, I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?'

The oarsmen consult among themselves and decide they fancy some good n...

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Good News and Bad News and Good News

So this old man goes to the doctor and the doctor says, “Your test
results came back and I’m afraid I have some bad news, and good news."
The man says, "Well, crap, tell me the bad news first"
So the doctor says, "I'm sorry to say this, but you have alzheimer's"
The old man says, "Damn, ...

After 3 weeks at sea, the captain speaks to the oarmen. "I know its been rough seas, and tough rowing, but I've got some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you all get to change underwear....

...the bad news is, George you change with Bob. James, you change with Bill. John, you change with Ed, Rob you change.........."

'There's good news and bad news', the doctor said to the patient.

Doctor: 'The bad news is that both your legs have to be amputated.'

The patient starts crying and asks about the good news.

Doctor: 'There's someone in the hallway who wants to buy your shoes.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A man said to his girlfriend: I'll bet you can't tell me something that is both good news and bad news at the same time.

Her reply: Of all your friends, you have the nicest cock.

So I went to the doctor's yesterday, and he said he had good news and bad news

I asked him to give me the bad news first. He tells me I've got a rare medical condition that is known to kill the victim incredibly quickly, and says that I have a 100% chance of death very soon. I then asked him what the bad news was.

Good news / bad news

The lawyer looked at his client and said, "I've got good news and bad news. Your wife has found a picture worth $1 million."

"Well, that's amazing!" exclaimed the client, "but what's the bad news?"

"It's a picture of you and your secretary."

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