UPJOKE

I Have Good News And Bad News Jokes

A guy isn't feeling well, and goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

The guy says, "I guess I'll get the good news first."

The doctor replies, "You're going to get something named after you."

Wife: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Husband: "The good news."

Wife: "The good news is that your car's airbag worked perfectly."

Boss, I have good news and bad news

Whats the bad news?

Im retiring today

Whats the good news?

Im retiring today

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor said "I have good news and bad news..."

The good news is that your dick grew 3 inches.
The bad new is it's malignant

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client....

First the bad news:

The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Patient: What’s the good news?

Doctor: the good news is you have 24 hours left to live.

Patient: What’s the bad news?

Doctor: The bad news is I should’ve told you that yesterday.

A doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news"...

"Ok, tell me the bad news first" says the patient.

"Well, you have incurable cancer" the doctor says.

"Oh my god, what could be the good news?"

"Well, you won't have it for very long"

A attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Paul, I have good news and bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $1-2 million. I think she could be right."

Paul...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After the surgery, the plastic surgeon said to his male patient "I have good news and bad news."

The patient said "Tell me the bad news first." The doctor replied "I'm sorry, but we couldn't make your penis larger."

The patient then said "What's the good news?"

The doctor said "We were able to make your hands really small."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three explorers are trekking through the Amazon....

One explorer is from England.

One is from France.

One is from New York.

As they're pushing through the jungle a local tribe ambushes and captures them. The tribe takes them back to their village to await trial by the Chief.

The Chief presents himself to the explorers:
...

"Hey, I borrowed your car yesterday and I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"The air bags worked perfectly"

A man goes in to his doctor's for an exam and the doctor says, "Well, I have good news and bad news."

The man says, "Give me the bad news first, Doc." The doctor says, "You've got a rare form of cancer. It's incurable and you have three weeks to live." "Oh my God!" says the patient. "After that, I'm glad there's good news. What is it?" The doctor smiles and points and says, "Do you see that good loo...

A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.

Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:

“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”

Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.

“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”

Relieved that this ...

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