UPJOKE

Goes Wrong Jokes

What happens when vajazzeling goes wrong?

You end up with gemorrhoids

A Large Company celebrates Green Day but it all goes wrong

"Here at Company Corp, Green Day is very important to us! Now who can tell us the values of Green Day?"



"It's about supporting the environment-"

"Money."



"Yes, that's correct! And now you win your fabulous prize! A regular amount of sick leave!"

"Will you...

If something goes wrong with the 4th of July celebration at Mt. Rushmore...

It will be a monumental disaster.

Different names for a Power On Self Test, when it goes wrong and smoke comes out of the device:

Power On Smoke Test

Power On (and) S#!T Trousers

Power Oh S#!T TURNITOFF

When logic goes wrong...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he...

What do they say at SeaWorld when something goes wrong

Oh the humanatee

Someone offered me skydiving insurance - "If something goes wrong, you'll get a big payout."

I told them "I'm not falling for that one again."

What kind of bread always goes wrong?

A rye

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills

# For all who know/knew that poem of Rudyard Kipling’s, “If”

**A delightful take-off!**

**If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,**

**If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,**

**If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,*...

Golf

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?"

Nicklaus replies, "No...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman pregnant with triplets goes into a bank...

...just as its being robbed. The robbery goes wrong and she gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she manages to live.

She was rushed to the hospital, where the doctor after examination tells her that
the bullets can't be removed but she and her children will be alright, and th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Female flight

A man boards a flight from london to chicago. before they are due to leave, a voice comes over the intercom and says, on behalf of captain natalie, we hope you enjoy the flight!.

Well, the man isn't best impressed, and once in the air he calls the crew over.



he asks, " Is it t...

A wife sits by her ill husband's bedside

Husband: You have been there whenever I get hurt

Wife: I know!

Husband: through every illness

Wife: yes

Husband: Whenever anything goes wrong

Wife: of course

Husband: I think...

Wife: tell me

Husband: I think you are bad luck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking “That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. Fish is gonna eat the fly, I’m gonna get the fish, and have myself a good meal”

But the bear don’t know that there is a hunter watching him, eating a sandwich, and the hunter thinks

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A saloon was having a shooting competition

and a cowboy asked the bartender if he could convince people he had a dog that could shoot would the bartender give him free drinks for the rest of the night, as compensation for bringing in more guests.

The bartender agreed but asked how he'd convince everyone of that. The cowboy said he kn...

A man drives his new car back to the dealership...

And he says "the car I bought last week doesn't work at night". So a mechanic tries starting the car with the lights already on. Then, he tried again but turning the lights on with the engine running. Nothing goes wrong, the mechanic explains that he can come back and get a different car if it has t...

My wife asked me why I’m always on the boat and I don’t spend time with her?

I told her she may be old but she is always wet and ready to go. And if anything goes wrong I can get rid of her for a new one. Lastly, if we get crabs together it’s a good thing.

Two astronauts are on a mission around the moon.

Astronaut 1: We've just lost line of sight with the Earth, perfectly on schedule. We won't be able to contact ground control for the next six hours. Doesn't it scare you? That we're completely cut off from the Earth? That if something goes wrong now, we can't get help?

Astronaut 2: Not at all...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russian version of the guillotine joke (different punchline)

(fyi: Russian belief is that if anything goes wrong during the execution, it is divine intervention, and it is every bad mojo to try to execute a 2nd time if the prisoner survived.)

So...

The Germans catch 3 spies in Berlin during WW1. A Frenchman, an American, and a Russian. They wan...

A paratrooper was scared to jump..

His instructor told him, "If anything goes wrong, say, 'Buddha oh Buddha!', and you will be saved." The paratrooper jumped, and he got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So he said, "Buddha oh Buddha!" and a hand came out of the sky and saved him.


He then sighed and said, "T...

The European Union is like a bad boss.

If everything goes well it’s thanks to it but if something goes wrong it’s your fault.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two pilots and one stewardess survive a plane crash ...

... and drift for days in the ocean until they reach a small isolated island, in the middle of nowhere.
After some days, they get the idea that no one is coming to rescue them. It's a sad moment but life goes on, and the survivors sets up a camp, eat fish, drink coconut milk, and fall asleep un...

Everyone tells me I’m a very responsible person

Whenever something goes wrong they say im responsible

Faith is everything

A man is about to jump from a plane. Right before he jumps, he looks down and freezes in place.

"Don't worry," says the pilot, "If something goes wrong - start chanting 'Oh great Buddha, please save me'".

Skeptical but with renewed confidence, the man jumps. At the right height, he t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a donkey fell into a well.

...
The farmer couldn’t get him out, so he knew he had to cover him up. He called in his neighbors, and they all started to throw dirt down the well, but instead of burying the animal, the donkey would shake the dirt off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, the pile of dirt got so high that th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LAWS FOR ENGINEERS

Engineering is a science that runs on the laws of physics. We have all studied these laws in our formal education. There are other laws that are equally powerful, however. These are found through experience in the classroom of applied technology. Here is a summary of the laws of physics for your ent...

A good joke is like pregnancy

You could have the best setup, but its all over if the delivery goes wrong

My boss decided to give me some more responsibility...

From now on, I'm responsible for everything that goes wrong...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.