UPJOKE

Go On Holiday Jokes

So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday.

I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Why did the cow go on holiday?

Because it had a wee calf!

Why do the ferris wheel and the merry-go-round never go on holiday together?

Because they travel on different planes!

Every time I go on holiday, my girlfriend gets pregnant.

In future I'm going to take her with me.

A man and his wife go on holiday and find a hotel for the night

When they find one, the manager says they're welcome to stay there but it costs £100 each for the night.

That's a bit outside their budget so they politely turn it down and ask if there's anywhere cheaper in the area.

The manager says "Yes, in fact there is a hotel just up the road and...

Where does a herb garden go on holiday?

Bazil

The french never go on holidays

They only go on retreats

Why didn't the astronaut go on holiday to the binary solar system?

It was two sunny.

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A child and his mother go on holiday to the Vatican.

Dressed in his Tottenham shirt, Johnny excitedly awaits meeting the pope. In front of a cheering crowd, the Pope waves regally from his Pope-mobile, and Johnny clamours to the front in the hope of shaking his hand.

Alas, the Pope drives past him, and only inches ahead, stops instead next to ...

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3 Football fans go on holiday...

Each supporting different teams one Hartlepool, one Liverpool and the other Arsenal. Their plane crashes in the middle of the ocean and each of them washes up on a desert island where there is nothing but a single sheep. They kill the sheep and use its wool for warmth until they get hungry.

...

Two English Muslims go on holiday in Spain...

Two English Muslims go on a long holiday in Spain, and they're having a wonderful time until one day the weather turns and it rains for three days straight. On the fourth day, one of them looks out of the window in the morning.

"Ahmed, I think we can visit some of the local buildings today. W...

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As a Scottish man I like getting a tan when I go on holiday.

It's the only time my hand is the same colour as my dick.

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God decides to go on vacation

God decides to go on holiday.
He calls all his super-being mates up and they pop around to discuss a few suggestions.
"What about Mars," says one of them.
"Nah I went there 15,000 years ago," says God, "it was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty." "What about Pluto," suggests another...

Covid-19 is like client requirements...

This virus is like a client requirement. It keeps mutating regularly and a major change comes in just when you are about to go on holidays.

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Winter in the Caribbean

Two women go on holiday in the Caribbean. They meet an attractive black man and both woman decide to have a threesome with him. Next morning during breakfast one of the woman ask the man his name. He replies, “ My name is Snow”. The other woman starts laughing. Confused, Snow asks, “What’s so funny?...

what do the jokes mean

what do you call eggs sleeping?

breakfast in bed

what day do eggs hate?

fry day

why can’t you play cards with a hard boil egg?

they hard to beat

where do eggs go on holiday?

to a chick-inn

The Llama Joke

Why did the Llama miss his flight to go on holiday?

He was busy Alpacking.

Tried my best translating this fom Portuguese

A man and his wife decide that they would go on holiday to the same place where they had they're honeymoon 20 years ago. The wife couldn't make it because she had a problem in her job, so the husband catched the plane and his wife would come in the next day. When he arrives at the hotel he emails hi...

Sicilian reasoning

One lovely summer an italian couple go on holiday to Sicily with their two kids. They park their car close to the seaside, unload their swimsuits, towels and buckets and happily walk to the beach. As they sit down on the sand, Giorgio (dad) suddenly remembers that he left his sunglasses in the car...

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

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