UPJOKE

Going On Holiday Jokes

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

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My wife and I were going on holiday..

And we were discussing our secret sexual fetishes. She said she always wanted to be handcuffed.

So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase..

The postman told me he was going on holiday to spain tomorrow

I asked if he was going to parcelona

A postman is going on holiday

A postman is going on holiday. He has a good relationship with a homeowner along his route and decides to let him know about his upcoming absence. During work hours, he arrives at the man's home and chaps on the door and after a few moments he opens it.



"Hey there, what have you got f...

I just told my suitcases that we're not going on holiday this year.

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

Aparently 30% of males go on a diet before going on holiday. I cheated

And just took a fat girlfriend to the beach

Postman told me he was going on holidays....

I asked him if it was Parcelona or Istampbul he was headed to...

Just said it was a stag do for his friend

Ah, an all mail party I exclaimed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.

She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling the condoms.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't a...

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

Ok, time to see if a Scottish joke translates...

Two cows are standing in a field, which one is going on holiday?


The one with the wee calf.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Alpaca

Alpaca who?

We’re going on holiday and alpaca up.

A blind man enters a bakery

A blind man enters a bakery and orders fifty sesame seed buns, the baker starts putting them in a bag and asks the blind man ‘that’s a lot of bread, are you giving a party or something?’ ‘Oh no,’ replies the blind man, ‘I’m going on holiday, and I want to read them on the plane’

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A Joke I've Translated From British Sign Language

Jake and Harry are a gay, teen couple. One day Jake's parents announce they will be going on holiday for the weekend and the house will be empty.

Jake and Harry jump at the chance to get plenty of alone time and spend the weekend having non-stop anal sex.

On the sunday morning Harry re...

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A blond woman gets on a plane...

She sits down in the first class. A steward, - who has seen her ticket at the entrance - approaches her very politely and ask if he could see her ticket once more. The woman hands it to him. The steward sees that it is for the Economy class and says nicely:
- Madam, your ticket is not for the fir...

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