UPJOKE

Gimme Some Jokes

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Gimme some Chapstick...

...and put it on my bill."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pothead goes to the local dealer.

He says:
- Yo, gimme something new, something strong!
- Alright man, this is the new product in the market. replies the dealer. It's called "Light-Dark".
- Light-Dark? Why? asks the pothead.
- Just buy some, try it out, and you'll see why.

Our pothead buys the stuff, arrives at h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two little kids.....

aged six and eight, decide it’s time to learn how to swear. So the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, “Okay, you say ‘ass’ and I’ll say ‘hell.’”

All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they’d like for breakfast. “Aw, hell,” says the eight-y...

If you care so much about my mental health...

...then gimme some brain

Gonna start a petition to change Reddit's name

How does Re-post-ddit sound?


...sounds bad? Gimme some slack, it's hard to create original content on here

What did the noose say to the depressed guy?

Gimme some head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young brothers are having a conversation one morning.

The 6 year old says to the four year old, "When we go down to breakfast, I'll say a sentence with the word 'hell' and you say a sentence with the word 'ass'". The four year old nods his head in agreement and they excitedly go downstairs and sit at the kitchen table.
Mom kisses each boy on the for...

A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.

"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!"

The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed - even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out.

A minute afterwar...

What did the cannibal say after he dumped his girlfriend?

"Gimme some toilet paper"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother of 3 boys, ages 4, 6,7, goes to see a Doctor.

She explains that the boys have developed a bad habit of cursing quite a bit. And asks for advice on ways to stop them. He asks her," ma'am I've known these boys awhile and I've wandered if u have ever even spanked them?! They are the most unruly children i have ever known." The mother says," oh my ...

Sam 'n' Eric decide to be more grown up by cursing...

Their mother wakes them for breakfast, and asks them what they want to eat.
Sam says "Aw, hell, gimme some Cheerios."
Furious, his mother backhands him across the kitchen, turns to Eric and asks "What do *you* want to eat?"
Eric stammers "I-I-I dunno, but it sure ain't gonna be n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young brothers, eight and seven years old, are playing video games.

The older boy says: At breakfast tomorrow, we should say a cuss word!

The younger brother agrees and they go to bed that night giggling with excitement.

The next morning, their mom says to the older brother: What do you want for breakfast?

The boy replies: Aw, hell, gimme some C...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a mother and her two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were in their car and on their way to church.

Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Jesus Christ that hurt, are you a complete fucking wanker?"
The mother being upset went and talked to the priest.
She said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." to which the Father sai...

God wants to go on vacation...

He's sitting in his throne room, boredly surveying the Earth, wondering where in his name he could go to. So he calls in St. Peter to give gimme some suggestions.

St. Peter gives it some thought and says, "Well, how about the rest of heaven? You haven't gotten a good look of it since you made...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Swearing

A woman gets a phone call from the school where her twin boys attend, informing her that they have been suspended for swearing and are not allowed to return until they change their behaviour.

The woman is livid. She goes to school, drags them to the car by their ears and sends them to their ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tale of two brothers.

One brother is 8, the other is 6. One day the 8 year old decides they're going to be "men" and start cursing in front of people. They're up in their room before breakfast, and the 8 year old talks the 6 year old into it:

8YO: Okay, when we get down to breakfast, you say "ass" and I say "hell"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

...And sees a jar full of $10 bills on the counter. "What's that for?" he asks the bartender. The guy behind the counter replies: "We have a contest going on, to take part you gotta drop $10 in the jar. You then drink a shot of tequila, and go outside in the back. There's a huge Rottweiler with a ro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A third lady goes into a pet shop...

...she, like the two ladies before her, is also looking to buy a parrot. She also takes a liking to a particularly foul-mouthed and ill-tempered parrot (this shop has a lot of them). She takes the parrot home, thinking it will be a fun project to clean up his act.

At home, she tries to teach ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.