UPJOKE

Get Ready Jokes

You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....

Times new ramen!

What takes you the longest to get ready in the morning?

Finding the will to live.

Batman and Robin get ready for patrol

Batman: You ready Robin?

Robin: I'm not sure about this costume Batman. It's so bright and red. And why do I have to wear a silly yellow cape?

Batman: Well, we're superheroes Robin. We got to dress the part.

Robin: I'm still not sure about this Batman. I mean, you aren't dressed...

How do you get ready for a trip around the Sun?

Planet

So this guy is getting ready for prom

and is trying to get up the nerve to ask the cutest girl in school to the dance. After a day or so he finally musters up the courage and asks her and she says yes! He's bouncing with excitement and starts planning to get ready for prom in a few weeks.

Later that week he goes by the local flo...

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

Two cookies are getting ready for their fight

"Lets get ready to crrrrrrummmbleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dick says to his balls, "Get ready guys, we're going to a party tonight!"

The balls say, "No way, man, we're tired of it! You always go inside and leave us outside knocking!"

If a girl says she will get ready in 5 minutes she will

no need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will.

Soldier: Which one is Will?

An 80 year old lady was marrying for the 4th time.

A newspaper asked if she wouldn't mind talking about her first 3 husbands and what they did for a living.

She smiled and said, "My first husband was a banker, then I married a circus ringmaster, next was a preacher and now in my 80's, a funeral director."

When asked why the...

How do cannibals get ready in the morning?

Just like anyone else they wakee up, get out of bed, put on their pants and eat breakfast, one leg at a time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man says to his wife, get ready, you me and the dog are going fishing.

Wife says I don't want to go. Man gives her 3 choices. Fishing, Blow job or take it up the arse. Wife picks blow job. After sucking for a while she say, your cock taste like shit. He says I know, the dog didn't want to go fishing either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are having trouble with their sex life

So the man goes to the new sex toy shop, walks up to the counter and explains his situation.

The clerk says “I’ve got just the thing for you, it’s called magic penis” and retrieves it from the shelf behind him.

Man: how does it work?
Clerk: I’ll show you… “magic penis, counter!” ...

Get ready for a corny joke!

***What is Mr. Corn's philosophy on life?***

Life is a maze.

Parents should wake their kids up early tomorrow and tell them to get ready for school because coronavirus was canceled

April Fool's

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife go to Jamaica for vacation...

After seeing the typical tourist attractions, they wander off the beaten path into a darker part of town.

After walking a few blocks, they see an adult store and after some persuasion, the wife convinces her husband to enter.

They look around for a few minutes, and then they come u...

An 80 year old man goes in for a physical

And the doctor tells him, "You're in terrific health, you're healthier than most 40 year olds, what do you contribute your exceptional health to?"

And the man replies"Turkey hunting, every morning I walk in the mountains and go turkey hunting."

"Well maybe genetics has something to do ...

I'm letting my child watch old Looney Tunes and Hanna-Barbera cartoons to get ready to start school.

In the real world, everyone solves all their problems with a gun or a knife, too.

This is the first joke I wrote by myself, feedback appreciated

A man came back home to his wife after a long business journey. After a happy reunion, their parrot suddenly started talking out of nowhere.

"Yes, put it in that hole!" it squawked loudly with a female voice.

"What the hell?" said the man. "Where did the parrot learn that?"

"No,...

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