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Full Speed Jokes

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You're riding a horse full speed. There's a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

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A priest and a rabbi are standing on the side of the road holding a sign that says, "TURN AROUND! THE END IS NIGH!!!"

A young man passing by in a car slows down and sticks his head out of the window to shout at them, "Get fucked, you religious freaks" and zooms ahead at full speed.

Moments later, they hear a yell followed by a loud splash.

The rabbi turns to the priest and says, "I told you we should ...

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

Harry is taking a stroll through the woods....

...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for s...

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A man walks into a bar, he goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is ...

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Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery

The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!"

A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!"

Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a sp...

Two men are walking through the forest when they stumble upon a large sinkhole.

Guy says, "Woah! This thing looks deep; how deep down do you think it goes?" The two men search around for a long stick or branch to assess the depth, but find nothing of use. They continue their search and they stumble across an old, rusty anvil; and naturally, they haul the anvil over and toss it ...

Three old farts talking

Three very elderly men are discussing their medical woes.

The 70-year-old says,

\- “I have an awful time with my bladder. I have to go all the time, and sometimes it comes on pretty suddenly."

The 80-year-old says,

\- “It’s my bowels. Hardly any control at all. Always h...

The Knight and the chastity belt

Once upon a time a king was going off to war with his army. But he was worried about his wife's safety while he was away

"Sir Roger, you are my most trusted knight. I'm going to ask you to protect the Queen while I'm away. Here's the key to her chastity belt. It's only to be opened in case I ...

Two old men are in a car

The first man notices the car is approaching an intersection with red lights, but his friend doesn’t seem to be slowing down. He gets tenser and tenser, sweat starts dripping down his back before the car zooms through the intersection at full speed.

A few minutes later, the same thing happen...

The Case Of The Industrial Fire

The industrial fire had been raging for a few hours and no one was able to stop it. Someone called all the fire stations in the nearby towns, and almost all of them were there within minutes. Despite managing to contain the fire by forming a circle around it, the center was still going strong, with ...

My friend who’s father is a multi-billionaire

My friend whose father is a multi-billionaire loves to talk about his extravagant lifestyle. One day, I asked him just exactly how large is the land owned by his father.
He answered “I’ll give you an idea, I can start driving at one end of the land in the morning at full speed, in one direction...

A stutterer in a boat.

A stutterer along with his friends went for fishing on boat.

While everything was going peacefully, suddendly the stutterer starting screamin sh-sh-sh-sh-sh...The others didn't understand what he wanted to say, but nonetheless he screamed sh-sh-sh-sh louder.But then they heard something. It w...

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A cowboy caught by the Indians

A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of angry Indians. They were all prepared to kill him but their Chief declared that since they were celebrating the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he killing him. The cowboy can do nothing, but obey them.

The Chief comes up ...

A man wants to go horseback riding

When the man gets to the ranch, he asks the owner if he can ride of the horses. The owner replies “Looks like we have one horse you can ride, however this horse is a little different than our other horses”.

The man asks “How so?”

“This horse is religious. I ride this horse to church, i...

A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.

The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting. The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train. Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his kne...

A man finds a well in the desert...

As he can't see how deep it is or if there's any water in it, he decides to drop something down the hole and rely on the sounds it will make. But all he can find that isn't sand, is a large and quite heavy rectangular block of stone.
With great effort he pushes the big stone to the well and fin...

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A man walks into a bar.....

.... and orders a whiskey. While he is drinking it he notices a bucket 3/4 full of 20s and ask the bartender about it. "Well we have a running bet in this bar, toss in your 20, do 3 impossible things and the money is yours." "What does a guy need to do to win? " the man asks. "Well first," the barte...

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Truck driver

One a normal day of trip, truck driver realized that his brake system was busted, and he was going full speed. He knew, he had to stop the truck somehow.

So he decided to get off the road and crash into something

He looked right, there was little boy in an empty field, alone.

H...

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Pervert Bear and Genious rabbit

A bear hunts a rabbit in the forest. After several hours of running, they arrive in a clearing with a large rock in the center, and on top of this rock stands a golden frog. Surprised, they approach and the frog starts talking to them:
" For having found me, I grant you 3 wishes each."
The b...

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express. On taking his seat he asked the conductor what time the train reached Gladstone.

 

"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays," replied the conductor.

"What!" Exclaim...

My uncle told me a story about how he survived a chase from lion for about 10 kms.

He said once he saw a lion, he started running toward the village at full speed. After around a kilometre, he looked back and lion, who was just a feet away from him, slipped all of sudden. This allowed him to gain some distance from lion. After around another kilometre, he looked back and lion, wh...

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So this joke is passed around my childhood and it's in my local language I'll try my best to translate it

Three teenagers decides to take a bath in their local lake, so they get naked started bathing.
After a few minutes a strong wind blows all of their clothes away to the unknown.
Now all three look at each other thinking what to do now, then one thinks that they should get out of the lake run ...

A pilot is flying a plane and shortly after mid-air announcement , forgets to turn off the mic.

He then mentions to his copilot : "I am dating that cute air hostess. After we land , we will go to the hotel and bang. "
The air hostess after hearing this runs towards the front of the plane at full speed to tell the pilot to turn off the mic and hits a blind man's stick and falls down.
The ...

A Christian priest in Africa being chased by a lion is running for his life....

While he is running full speed, thinking how to get away from this situation, he starts praying asking god to please turn the lion into a good Christian. He hears a voice from the sky that says: “your prayer has been answered” Suddenly the lion catches up to him and jumps him, trapping him, And mira...

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Pope in a limousine

The Pope was visiting L.A. and found himself not only late for an important meeting but stuck in L.A. freeway traffic. From the rear seat of the limo the Pope said to the driver, “If you don’t mind, I would like to drive.” They switched seats and the Pope steered the limo to the shoulder of the free...

A very deep well..

Two dudes are walking in the woods when they stumble across a well, it's so deep that they can't even see the bottom

One of them says :
"Hey, let's find a big rock and throw it in the well so we know how deep it really is !"

So they look around until they see an anvil :
"Perfect,...

When a man falls of a ship, you yell "Man Overboard". When a woman falls of a ship, you yell...

Full speed ahead!

I like drag racing

Dressing up in women's clothing and driving down the street full speed

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A man is with his best friend at a local pub

He looks at his watch, raises his eyebrows, and groans, "Oh shit, not again!"


"Why? What's the matter, chum?" asks the second man


"It's already 2AM, my wife's gonna kill me; she always knows when I get home too late." the first man exclaims


"I thought Brenda sleeps e...

The year is 2024

The year is 2024 and it’s time to decide a new President of the United States. There are three candidates for the American people to choose from: Joe Biden, looking to hold onto the Presidency, Donald Trump, looking to regain it, and Obama in a sombrero and fake moustache calling himself “Juanbama”....

I was out on the boat with my dad the other day when I suddenly wondered something.

I said, "so, when a man falls in the water, you yell 'man overboard!' but what if they are a woman?"

My dad goes, "in that case you yell 'full speed ahead!'"

A man is at boating school, and is learning different phrases before he is allowed to work on a boat

The instructor asks him the first question, “What do you say when a man has fallen off the boat.”

The man energetically said, “Man overboard!”

The instructor has his next question ready, “What do you say when a woman falls off the boat?”

The man yet again states, “Full speed ahe...

Two hunters found a deep hole in the woods...

One hunter looked down in the hole and said to the other, "how deep you think that hole is?" The other hunter said "I don't know, lets throw somethin' down in there and see how long it takes to hit the bottom."
There was an old transmission laying next to the hole so the hunter picks it up and th...

My buddy and I were out for a walk and noticed this giant hole in a field...

We walked up to the hole and threw in a small rock; no sound; no signs of it hitting the bottom!

So we found a larger rock and threw it into the hole; no sound; no signs of it ever hitting the bottom.

My buddy notices a bunch of railroad ties along the forest line nearby. We lug the gi...

A Lebanese taxi driver is burning through every red light when his terrified passenger speaks up...

"Aren't you afraid someone will crash into us?"

"Nah. Everyone in town knows me and they won't dare to cross their lights without checking for me."

Finally, he reaches a light which turns green. He suddenly stops.

The passenger asks him "I understand about the red light. Why sto...

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A lion and a lioness and resting in a shade of a tree. All of a sudden a rabbit comes, slaps the lion in the face and runs off.

The lion just chuckles.

The Lioness is pissed: "Why did you let him slap you? Are you not the king of the animals? This is a major disrespect. Go kill that little shit!"

The lion replies calmly: "Dear, the rabbit is small and stupid - he doesn't know what he is doing...".

In a ...

A red ship and a blue ship...

A Red ship and a Blue ship were sailing towards each other at full speed in the middle of the ocean and collided resulting in a horrible mess. What happened to the sailors?

...they were Marooned.

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Because the clockwork in the clock tower was being repaired, Big Ben wasn't tolling the hour...

Well, Parliament put an advertisement in the newspaper for someone to ring the bell on the hour.

The first fellow to show up for the position had no arms. In the interview, they asked "How can you hit Big Ben with the striker if you have no arms?"

Not to be stopped by his handicap, h...

A boy wants to ring a giant bell...

As a boy is walking down the street, he spots a bell tower. Seeing the bell, he makes his way to the very top of the tower. When he gets to the top, he finds a priest, just standing there.

The boy asked the priest "Is it okay if I ring the bell, Father?"

The priest replied "By all mea...

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Tarzan and Jane

Jane notices that Tarzan goes in the jungle everyday to stay alone, so one day, wanting to know what he was doing, she follows him.

She sees Tarzan go by a tree, with a hole in it, put his dick in it, and bang it.

So she is touched by the fact that the poor man has to use a tree and de...

A candy's factory is on fire

A research team of a candy factory have just lately developed a new type of candy that should change the candy market as we know today forever.

One day, the factory is burning up. While the local firefighters arrive to the site, the CEO of the factory shouts "the brave men that will bring me ...

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I was watching some construction workers today

outside my office building. They were laying down a bunch of grass.

I saw a forklift come in carrying rolls of grass, when all of a sudden a huge bulldozer came out of nowhere and crashed full speed into the forklift. Both the driver of the forklift and the grass went flying...

It was...

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A dog went on a backpacking trip to Africa and decided he'd spend a few days in the safari

During one of the days he got lost when suddenly he saw a tiger lurking in the nearby woods. Knowing he had no chance escaping the tiger, he rushed over to a nearby pile of old bones. As the tiger approached ready to devour him for breakfast, the dog turned its back to the tiger, resiliently stuck a...

A man escapes from the Soviet Union

He visits his relative who has been living in West Germany and did quite well for himself. The relative takes him on a tour of town in his brand new Mercedes. The Soviet man, not having seen a Mercedes in his life, asks him about the three pointed star hood ornament.

The relative decides to p...

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Old Rooster

In the farm, all the chickens gathered around the new rooster. He had arrived on the farm in the morning, and was looking at himself proudly as the old rooster of the farm - the only other male of the species in the vicinity - came to him.

The old rooster said, "See, boy, this is my farm. I c...

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

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Frenchman in Morocco

A Frenchman seeking some thrills travels to Morocco and decides to go bungee jumping off the top of mosques. As he bounces back into the air, all of the passerby in Morocco are in awe and one Moroccan passerby decides that he wants to try it himself.

He finds the Frenchman at a nearby cafe a...

Ed's father taught him how to ride a goat at a young age.

He showed him where the little saddle goes, and how to position the bridle.

Ed mastered the art of goat riding. The slightest pull from the reigns and the goat would stop. The lightest touch of the spurs on it's haunches and the goat would gallop full speed.

Ed named the goat Geronimo...

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A golfer is absolutely killing it out on the course. (Long)

He’s playing at one of those residential courses surrounded by beautiful homes.

He nails the drive on the 6th hole. He’s so excited and proud of himself that he guns his golf cart full speed ahead to get to the putting green.

He’s going so fast that he misreads a curve and ends up topp...

The Hunchback of Notre Dame had died

The priests realized they would need a new person to ring the bells. They decided to hold auditions. After advertising the position in the town center there was a long line of peasants waiting to try out the next day.

One by one the priests called the peasants forward to pull the rope, ring t...

The Deepest Hole in the World

3 men are in a car driving down a long winding country road late at night. Suddenly the driver notices a huge hole in their path and stops the car immediately. They all get out and stand near the edge in awe. Why is this here? How deep is it? What the hell? They are quite puzzled by their disc...

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Once upon a time, in the Wild West….

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and
tough he was, and the owner of the ...

Bear joke my co-worker told me

So a man and his three friends are sitting in a bar, one of them says to the others

“im the greatest bear hunter there ever was”

2 of the 3 friends disagree and say

“no way i am”

an argument breaks out until the 4th man who said nothing pipes up and says

“i ha...

Smartest Dog He's ever seen!

While walking down the street, a business man see's a dog walking down the road with a bag in his mouth. Interested in where the dog was going he followed the dog to the local store. There the dog went straight to the teller, and placed the bag in the teller's hand. He then handed him a grocery b...

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An Englishman, an Irishman and an American are stood at the top of the Empire State Building.

The American tells the other two "I don't know if you've heard this. But if you down 6 beers from your homeland, you can jump off of this building, fly around it, and then land safely right back here".

The Irishman doesn't believe the American, replying "Get off it, what a load of old shite"...

My favorite Clean Joke

A small-town parish priest realizes that he is getting too old to ring the bell in the tower and advertises for a bell ringer. A few days later there's a knock at the door and the priest answers only to discover a man standing there with no arms. "Can I help you?" the priest asks, to which the man ...

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Two guys are walking through a field in Montana

when they stumble across a well. The men look down the well and notice it is so deep, they can't see the bottom. One guys says to the other, "throw a stick into it, see how deep the well is." So the man finds a stick, tosses it in the well, the men wait for the splash...nothing. No sound. Curious to...

The armless bell ringer.

A church was looking for a new bell ringer and so had posted fliers for anyone wanting the job to come speak to the priest. The next day a man with no arms showed up wanting the job.
"I don't want to offend you, sir," said the priest," but how exactly do you plan on ringing the bell with no arms?...

Two hunters were walking through the woods

Two hunters were walking through the woods trying to find a spot to set up their deer stand. During their search they found a large hole in the middle of the woods. They looked down into the hole and were unable to see the bottom, so they started trying to find things they could throw to see how dee...

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A man talks to the priest about the death of his friend

In the confessional, a man comes down and says:

- Father, did you know that Wilson died?

- How sad, son ... But what happened to him?

- He was driving his car near my house at full speed, the brakes failed and the car crashed into a pole. Wilson was launched through the windscre...

A fire breaks out at a large chemical plant.....

...and is blazing violently out of control. Engine companies from all over the city keep rolling in to fight the fire, but it keeps growing worse and worse. Storage tanks are exploding and warehouses full of toxic chemicals are burning so hot the firemen keep getting pushed further and further back....

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My favourite Australian Aborigine joke

One day an Aborigine named Nigel was on vacation in the US enjoying a beer in a pub when a local man sat down beside him "You're one of them blacks from Australia, aren't ya?" Nigel nodded and had another sip of his beer.

The American man continued "i hear you guys are pretty good hunters"...

A man with no arms is looking for a job

He sees a church with a "Bell ringer wanted" sign in front of it and knocks on the door with his head.

A pastor answers the door, 'Yes?'

The man says, 'I am here to apply as a bell-ringer'.

The pastor is surprised at this and says, 'How will you be able to ring the bell without ...

Long ago, there was a cathedral...

The old bell ringer had passed away and the bishop set out a sign announcing that the position was now open for new applicants. A few weeks go by without any bites, but one day a man comes in. The man had a hunched back and no arms, so the bishop was leary of his ability to perform the job, but t...

Very long.

First off, let me describe to you a little creature.

There lives in the forest a little guy known as a 'Twid'. A Twid resembles nothing so much as a Smurf on psychedelics. They have punked out hair, multi-colored skin, tattoos and piercings. Also, the sole reason for a Twid's existence on th...

In a far away place... In a small rural town...

There was a boy named john. John didn’t have many friends growing up as he preferred to keep to himself. Johns family were farmers through and through, his favourite thing to do was to drive their tractor around and around the farm, john always adored tractors, the big back wheels and the small fron...

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The tale of Old Joe

There once was a man named Paul who, after some trouble with the law, found himself homeless behind a fast food joint just outside of Wichita, Kansas. He stayed there for a few days, drinking from the bathroom sinks and eating scraps from the trash, when an old rancher named Joe found him and took p...

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