UPJOKE

Five Second Jokes

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

If not for the last five seconds of a perfume ad,

...no one would have known it's a perfume ad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

Managed to lose 1000 calories in five seconds...

...by dropping my cheeseburger :(

Three vampires are arguing amongst themselves.

Each is claiming to be the most vicious.

The first one suddenly runs off, and comes back in fifteen seconds, blood dripping from his mouth.

'See that house over there?' he says, pointing. 'I've killed all of the family members inside and sucked their bodies dry of blood.'

The s...

A man bids on a rare antique, item 23 in the catalogue, upon which he is incorrectly named the winner of the auction; the error is fixed five seconds later

Won two three for five secs.

Yugo Humor

Guy walks into a parts store and says, "I'd like a new gas cap for my Yugo". Guy at the counter says, "OK, that sounds like a fair trade".

>Q: How do you make a Yugo go from 0 to 60 in five seconds?
>
>A: Push it off a cliff.
>
>Q: Why do Yugos have rear-win...

If food prices keep rising

The five second rule will be replaced by the “ not fuzzy yet” rule.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"

Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't h...

Three men bragging about getting their wives cars

Three men were at a bar and they were bragging to each other about who got their wife the best car One man says “I got her one that goes from 0 to 30 in about 10 seconds” The second guy says “that’s nothing I bought my wife one that goes from 0 to 40 in five seconds” the third guy said “well I bough...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck wrestler

has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down.

"Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old married couple is lying in bed when...

the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and sa...

A policeman is interrogating three new recruits training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first recruit a picture for five seconds and then hides it. 


“This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?” The recruit answers, "That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, "Recruit!...

My mom’s cousin just had quintuplets!

Looks like I’ll have five second-cousins. Too bad she’s an anti-vaxxer, they might turn out to be five-second cousins.

Three men were about to be executed by a tribe of cannibals...

Their crime was trespassing. They didn't know that they'd tresspassed the tribe's grounds, and pleaded to be shown mercy. Surprisingly, the chief agreed.

"Go out into the forest, and bring back a fruit", the chief said. "You have thirty minutes".

The men were relieved, and went into t...

The police chief is interviewing applicants for a detective job.

The chief says to the three applicants "Alright, one of the most important things for a detective is to have good observational skills, so I'm going to give you all a little test. You'll each get a photo to examine for just five seconds, then you have to tell me what you notice about the subject's a...

A man with no arms no legs and no torso goes to a bar on his 21st birthday

As it is 21st birthday he decides to go to a bar with his family and get his first beer.

The barkeep pours the beer into the man’s mouth and magically, to his amazement, he grows a torso. The man so stunned and happy decides to go and buy another beer.

The barkeep again pours the bee...

WHAT DO WE WANT?

FIVE SECONDS AGO


WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

TIME TRAVEL

A proctologist was losing too much money…

A proctologist was losing too much money. Her accountant came over for a consultation and quickly spotted the problem.

“You’re spending far too much on staffing. You’ve simply got to reduce your labor costs in order to survive.”

The proctologist puzzled over how to cut down. Given her...

Two guys are hunting in the woods...

One of them spots a hole in the ground that looks unusually deep. He picks up a rock and throws it in the hole, and never hears it hit the bottom. "Try something heavier?", the other man suggests. They find a rusty old anvil nearby, pick it up and throw it down the hole. Five seconds later a goat co...

Guy dies and is at the pearly gates

St. Peter says: “before I can let you in, you must tell me one selfless act you did while alive”

Guy says “One time i was driving and saw this motorcycle gang harassing a little old lady. I pulled over and went up to the biggest guy punched him square in the face and said - LOOK, if you mess ...

Doctors who are practicing homeopathy will go on strike.

It will last five seconds.

A man is handing out Halloween treats when...

... he hears a small knock at the door. Opening it, he finds a child dressed as a thief. "Here you go, two pieces of candy! Take it and go!" The man laughs.

Moments later, another knock at the door. Opening it, the home owner finds a child dressed as a clown. "Hmm." The man looks the kid up a...

The three blonde detective trainees

A police officer was tasked to train three blonde women to become detectives.

He showed them a picture of a man for five seconds before asking the first blonde how she would recognize him in the streets. "Oh, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The police officer exclaimed: "Are you stu...

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