UPJOKE

20 Second Jokes

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,

but only for like 20 seconds...

There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.

They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.

The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."

The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.

The old country man then goes, "Tim...

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

...but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He...

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All of the passengers on a plane are seated and ready for takeoff.

The pilot and copilot are late, the passengers and crew are getting frustrated. A couple of minutes go by and suddenly the copilot boards and is wearing dark glasses while waving around a mobility cane. He clumsily makes his way to the copilots seat. The passengers feel uneasy. A couple more minutes...

I'm saying goodbye to r/jokes for a little while.

My wife says I'm on Reddit every 20 seconds checking it and she can't stand it anymore! I had to make a choice. So I'm going to be offline for a couple of minutes while I pack her bags.

Three vampires are gathering in the middle of the night to compare their strength...

Says the first : See that woman over there? Wait... <wooshes away and comes back after 20 seconds, the mouth still dripping of fresh blood>. See - it only took me 20 seconds to completely empty that body!

Says the second : Not bad, but uh... see that village over there? Wait... <woos...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last Night my wife dressed as a police officer and accused me of being too good in bed.

But after 1 minute and 20 Seconds, All charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life is like the Covid vaccine

Less than 20 seconds long and the next shot is after 6 weeks

Subarus

This joke took 20 seconds to come up with and is the stupidest joke I have but here goes

I walked into a doctors office and he said “regarding last weeks tests I regret to inform you that you have an sti” I laughed and responded “you must be new to cars, that’s an evo”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mean English teacher asks his students to write a composition.

The composition has to include the following topics: religion, sex, monarchy, and mystery. You have 30 minutes.

After 20 seconds, Johnny puts his paper on the teacher's desk and leaves. The teacher picks up the paper and reads:

"My God, someone fucked the queen, who was it?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy entered the "Can He Do It" show on Belgiums national TV.

He claims he can tell women's zipcodes by feeling their breasts. The host leads him to some women in bikini and tells him to do his magic.

He feels the first woman's breasts and within 20 seconds he states "8670".

Second girl he feels her up and states "9010".

He goes down the l...

A Norwegian, a Finnish and a Swedish man were in front of a cave

The Norwegian man says "I bet I can go there and be at least 10 seconds." and goes to the cave, comes out and says "I couldn't be there for that long, the bear was too scary.

"I bet I can be there at least 20 seconds." the Swedish man says and goes in too, but comes back after 15 seconds. "Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bartender is about to close down for the evening when a man walks into the bar.

The man sits down at the empty bar and says, "unfortunately i haven't got any money, but wondering if you would care to wager me for a yard of ale?"

Intrigued, the bartender inquires what the man has in mind for a wager. "You pour me a yard of that Blonde Ale over there....if I can finish ...

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(NSFW) Whats the similarity with a hand wash and sex with me?

20 seconds is a good performance

Show me a fella with poor hand washing technique

and I’ll show you a man who finishes in under 20 seconds

What’s the difference between a choking fetish and necrophilia?

About 15 to 20 seconds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the Japanese porn star who took the train?

He came 20 seconds too early and had to apologize to everyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I did basically nothing for a period in school

Well I lied, we had sex ed, but that only lasted 20 seconds

Hand Washing Lyrics

**Neil Diamond:** Hands...
**NHS:** Yep, wash them for 20 seconds
**Neil Diamond**: Touching hands..
**NHS:** No, don't do that
**Neil Diamond:** Reaching out..
**NHS:** Errrr, avoid that too
**Neil Diamond:** Touching me..
**NHS:** Oh no
### **Neil Diamond:**...

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A fresh batch of military recruits come in and meets the drill sergeant

The sergeant looks at the men and says "I'll your all a bunch of yellow bellied pansies! Are ya!"

They all respond "Sir, no sir!"

"Really?" He responds and points to the end of the table they're standing next to.

At the end of the table, a giant alligator sits in a cage hissing ...

Two men walk up to a hole

One says to the other, "I wonder how deep this hole is" then picks up an anvil near them and throws it down the hole.

After about 20 seconds, the men hear a goat running behind them and it jumps in the hole. "Woah!" they both thought.

Then, a farmer walks up to them and asks them if ...

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A guy in a casino

A dude goes to Vegas and he is on an absolute winning streak. After he ends up winning about $5 million, he decides to call it quits and end on a high note. When he leaves the casino, he sees a hooker across the street just hanging out outside of a hotel/casino. He goes across the street and asks th...

Two exes are texting..

Male Ex: Just ate a fish taco; it reminded me of you.

Female Ex: What a coincidence, because I ordered a pizza and it came in 20 seconds. It reminded me of you.

Tommy at the rodeo

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.

Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever...

A man and his wife attend the wedding of a mutual friend.

The ceremony is beautiful. The man and his wife are both struck with nostalgia and joy as they sit and remember their own wedding day. They hold hands throughout the ceremony, moved nearly to tears. Then, at the end of the ceremony, the new couple even walk out to the same song the husband and wife ...

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At the beginning of COVID 19, there was a man.

He was told to wash his hands for 20 seconds at a time. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should be wearing a mask to protect others. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should socially distance. He w...

How fast can New Yorkers read?

They can go through 100 stories in under 20 seconds

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