UPJOKE

Feed Me Jokes

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.

After a while, my mum said, "Just use a fucking spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

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My stomach gets upset if you feed me strings.

I shit you knot.

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

Dogs: "They feed me, they care for me, they give me a place to sleep...they must be gods"

Cats: "They feed me, they care for me, they give me a place to sleep...I must be a god."

My Mom Tried To Force Feed Me Alphabet Soup, Saying “I Loved It”

I Hate It When People Put Words In My Mouth

A man is trying to sell his dog to a neighbor...

"You can have this dog for only five dollars, and he can actually talk." says the man. His neighbor says, "That's ridiculous, everyone knows dogs can't speak."

The dog looks up at the neighbor with big, sad, doggy eyes and says, "Oh please, kind sir, buy me so I won't have to live with my cru...

Cats vs Dogs

Dogs: You love me, you pet me, you feed me, you see to my every need. You must be God.

Cats: You love me, you pet me, you feed me, you see to my every need. I must be God.

What's the difference between cats and dogs?

A dog thinks:

These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. They must be gods.

A cat thinks:

These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. I must be a god.

Dog and Cat Thinking......!!!

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I mus...

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At work they treat me like a mushroom.

They feed me shit and keep me in the dark.

A five year old read a story about a king

5yo: mom, i also want 3 wives, one to feed me, one to bathe me, one to sing for me.
mom: and which one will put you to sleep?
5yo: none, i'd still sleep with you.
mom: you're the best son ever. but where will your wives sleep then?
5yo: they can sleep with dad.
dad: you really are the...

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A housewife is in bed with her lover...

A housewife is in bed with her lover. All of a sudden she hears her husband’s car pull up. He came home early from a business trip! In a panic she is frantically trying to think of a place to hide her lover and suddenly has an idea. She tells him to go stand in a corner of the kitchen and pretend to...

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