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Fancy Restaurant Jokes

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A man goes for dinner at a fancy restaurant...

He orders the nicest glass of wine on the menu.

"What do you think?" asks the waiter.

"I could piss out better wine than this!" the man exclaims.

"I'd like to see that," says the waiter.

So the man takes a pee in an empty wine glass and hands it to the waiter.

The ...

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Two Rednecks are eating in a fancy restaurant....

Suddenly, the woman sitting at the next table starts choking and gasping for air. Everyone else around just sits there watching, but one of the Rednecks JUMPS up, grabs the woman and yanks her out of the chair. He then pulls her dress up over her head, yanks her panties down and runs his tongue up t...

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.

My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

A man at a fancy restaurant noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at the next table.

Suddenly she sneezed, causing her glass eye to pop out and fly toward him. The man caught it mid-air.

"I'm so sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in. "Let me buy you dinner."

After charming dinner conversation, the woman offered to drive the man home.

The man was...

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat!"

The wife: Honey, you say your prayer before eating at home.

The husband: Honey, that's at home. Here the chef knows how to cook.

I went into this fancy restaurant…

…and asked:
“Can I have some Sesame Chicken please?”

The waiter said “sorry sir, this restaurant is French Cuisine “

“Ok, can I have Sesame Chicken, s”il vous plait?”

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A blind man once entered a fancy restaurant

A blind man once entered a restaurant known for its exquisite cuisines, with the help of some people he managed to sit at a table and called out for the waiter

The waiter being extremely courteous asked if he wanted the menu to be read out loud, the blind man said it wasn't necessary, all the...

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A man walks into a fancy restaurant...

...and sits alone at an empty table. After some time exploring the menu he calls for a waiter.
"Are you ready to order sir?"
"Yes, I will have a single shrimp and a glass of milk" says the man. The waiter shocked by the extravagance of the order writes it down and goes rushes into the kitchen....

I ate pelican at a fancy restaurant.

The service was fantastic but the bill was enormous.

A famous restaurant critic is eating soup at a fancy restaurant.

This critic was well-known in the industry for his arrogance and rudeness, as well as his overall sloppiness. So it came as no surprise when mid-course he dropped his spoon on the floor, and angrily gestured to get a waiter's attention. When a waiter approached, the critic noticed a spoon tucked in ...

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A man goes into a fancy restaurant

When he gets to his table he sees that they have gold plate and says
"wow this restaurant has gold plates how fancy."
Then he sees that they also have gold silverware and says
"Wow they also have gold silverware how fancy."
After that he goes to the bathroom and sees they also have gold...

I went to one of those fancy restaurants yesterday...

And boy, do they specialise. They specialise. There's the coffee waiter, he gives you coffee. There's the salad waiter, he gives you salad. There's the head waiter

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An upcoming director, Tim, is having dinner with two prestigious producers in a fancy restaurant.

The director sees Frank Sinatra in the distance walking into the men's bathroom. The director excuses himself and goes in after him.

As Frank pees in one of the urinals the director approaches him and says, “Mr Sinatra, I'm sorry to bother you, but there are two producers I'm trying to impre...

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A man walks into a very fancy restaurant...

"Alright!" The man yells. "Where's the fucking manager?" The manager quickly comes to the front desk and asks "would you mind keeping your voice down and avoiding such language."

"Shut up, you cocksucker!" The man replies. "Your sign says your looking for a pianist. So where the fuck's your p...

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I was in town last night with my girlfriend. We walked past a fancy restaurant and she went MMMMmmmmm that smells delicious. So I though, fuck it, she deserves a treat…

So I turned around and we walked past again.

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Fancy Restaurant

A hillbilly finds himself in an unfamiliar part of town and he's hungry. He pulls his rust bucket into the parking lot of a restaurant and approaches the front door with his sleeveless tee-shirt, holey ripped jeans, shaggy beard, do-rag, and tattoos but he's stopped by the Maitre'D before he can en...

A husband and wife are having dinner at a fancy restaurant when a couple looking absolutely gorgeous walk in

"What a pair!" says the wife

"Yeah, the man doesn't look too bad either" replied the husband

A man and woman were out for a date one evening at a fancy restaurant.

The waitress comes over to take their order.

The guy says, "I think I'd like a quicky."

The waitress says, "Excuse me!?"

The guy says, "I said I want a quicky."

The waitress slaps him.

The guy's date leans over and says, "I think this idiot is trying to order ...

My wife and I walked past a fancy restaurant

She said "Ohh , something smells nice"

So I decided to treat her - I let her walk past it a second time.

*at a fancy restaurant* Server: So, how did you find the food sir?

Me: It was easy. You put it on a plate and kept the plate right in front of me.

After a very successful heist, a thief treats his two close friends to a sumptuous meal at a fancy restaurant.

Friend A: "You've walked away with millions?? By stealing from a printer company? How on earth did you pull that off??!"

Friend B: "You must've had to drive out an entire truckload of printers to make that much!"

Thief: "It was actually a lot easier than that. I just walked out with al...

I wanted to order food from a fancy restaurant

I didn't want to leave the house, though, so I had them bring the food to me.

I ordered a medium rare steak and foie gras, but when the food arrived my foie gras was missing!

Furious, I drove over to the restaurant and demanded they give me my full order. They did, and before I left I ...

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A couple goes out to eat at a fancy restaurant

They sit down and the waiter comes to the table to greet them. They both order a bowl of soup and it comes out quickly. A few minutes in, the woman drops her spoon on the floor. Her husband flags down the waiter to get another spoon and he pulls a spoon, neatly wrapped in a cloth, out of his shirt p...

A construction worker goes to a fancy restaurant to eat and they have a dress code.

The man goes into the fancy restaurant and have a discussion with the host:

**Host** Sir, you cannot come in here with out a belt. We have standards.

The man goes out to his car and puts on a belt fashioned out of some rope. He goes back in.

**Host** Alright.... I guess you ha...

I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.

I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'

A chess champion and an Australian man were playing a game of chess at a fancy restaurant.

(My dad told me this one, not sure if it’s OG but hey it’s worth a shot)

A chess master wanted to go back to playing casual matches, he also invited his old friend who was from Australia to play at a local restaurant.

The man is surprised his friend is holding out amazingly well, and a...

A man and a woman are out to dinner at a fancy restaurant

Right around when the appetizers they hear a loud sound like galloping hooves on the marble floor.

They both turn to see a half-man half-horse jogging around the restaurant

Eventually it stops running and stands at attention.

They stare

A loud trumpet sounds and the Head ...

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Three gangsters in a fancy restaurant...

Three gangsters, Vito, Carlo, and Nick are sitting around a table in a fancy restaurant. They’ve just finished their meal and have ordered some brandy. While they’re waiting for the brandy Vito pulls out a cigar and a $50 bill. He sticks of the bill into the flame of the candle in the centre of the ...

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A woman at a fancy restaurant is chocking...

Hands on her neck, face turning blue. A man runs over, pulls down her dress and licks her ass. The woman's eyes bulge and a piece of steak goes flying. She turns to the man and says "What the fuck was that?!" To which the man responds "The hind-lick maneuver."

-credit to grumpy guy at work.

Went to a fancy restaurant and ordered tuna, but they brought something else instead

Obvious catfish situation

[Long] Last Friday, I took a guest to a fancy restaurant.

I noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came I inquired, "Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"
He explained,
"The boss hired Accenture Consulting to re-engineer our processes. T...

A man and woman go out to a fancy restaurant

When they walk in, they see the host is an attractive young man. The woman walks up to him and says "I'm interested in a quickie." The young host is flustered and quickly finds them a table. Just as they sit down, the server walks up to take their order. Again, the woman says "I'm interested in a qu...

Took my wife Mary out to a fancy restaurant last night. I had the filet mignon...

Mary had a little lamb.

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My wife started charging people for blowjobs at fancy restaurants...

...because she wanted to make a little extra money under the table.

Ba^dum^tsssss^ssss

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A graduate has an interview at a fancy restaurant

A young achiever recently graduated from university and is in the process of interviewing for her first "real" job. She made it past the preliminaries with one of her preferred employers and was invited to have dinner at a fancy restaurant with her potential boss. Naturally, she arrives early to mak...

We went to a fancy restaurant yesterday and I surprised everyone by ordering in perfect French

It was a Chinese restaurant

What do you call a shish-kebab at a fancy restaurant?

A Shish-ke-Robert

A guy has to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant, but he forgot his tie so he used jumper cables.

The maître d' says

"I'll let ya in, but don't start anything."

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I went to a fancy restaurant. They had a bread waiter who gave me bread. They had a butter waiter who gave me butter.

They had a head waiter as well.

Got rejected by long term girlfriend,after I took her to dinner at a fancy restaurant,mustered up the courage,got down on my knee and finally proposed

A threesome with my wife.

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A guy is ready to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant while his wife is late and still getting ready.

He sees her using a hair straightener.

He asks: "Why do you use that"

\- "It makes my hair look longer"



Later the next day, at the hospital

Dr: "Now, Mr. Howard, would you please like to explain to me why you have 2nd-degree burns on your penis.

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When I jerk off I'm not a fancy restaurant about it, I'm more like McDonalds

Fast, easy, and you don't have to get out of the car

I went to a fancy restaurant last night and a man was complaining about his escargot.

The waiter just shrugged it off. "I'm sorry sir," the waiter told him. "All snails are final."

A guy goes to the fanciest restaurant in town

All the waiters were dressed impeccably and all had a small spoon in their lapels of their jacket.

A patron asks why does everyone have a small spoon in their lapel?

The waiter explains that this is a very fancy restaurant and we noticed that the number one thing that guests keep drop...

Went to a really fancy restaurant last night. The water waiter came out and gave me water. The coffee waiter gave me coffee. The wine waiter gave me wine...

I was really happy when the head waiter came out!

My wife asked me to take her to one of those fancy restaurants where they prepare the meal in front of you. So I took her to Subway....

We're signing the divorce papers right now.

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A Filipino, a Korean, a Laotian, a Chinese, a Japanese and a Vietnamese go to a fancy restaurant. "Sorry" says the Maitre d' ...

"You can't be seated without a Thai."

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.

He said nah, I’m not really Inuit.

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An old Jew is walking home from work

An old Jew is walking home from work and passes a fancy restaurant. He looks in the window and sees rich people talking and laughing as they eat delicious cheese blintzes.

The old man is inspired: "blintzes for dinner!" and continues his long walk home. When he gets home, he announced to his ...

A tired man walks into a French restaurant for a date...

(This is a really old and kinda long joke my parents used to tell me. It's translated from Spanish so bear with me.)

The man hated French food, but the woman was supposed to be an absolute beauty, so he agreed. He arrived at the incredibly fancy restaurant, exhausted from a day of work, and s...

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A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says ‘doctor, my wife & I have been married 30 years, and have enjoyed a very active sex life up until now, but I can no longer get it up. I’ve tried every pill going, is there anything you can do?’

The doctor explains that there is an experimental surgery ava...

A man is on a date...[NSFW]

A man is on date with a beautiful girl and he takes her to a fancy hotel with a fancy restaurant and orders the most expensive food which happens to be a traditional italian pasta. While he is eating he finds finds a strand of hair and goes ballistic with anger. He immediately calls the manager and ...

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A man loses his penis in an industrial accident

Through the wonders of modern medicine, plastic surgeons are able to reconstruct his penis using tissue from an elephant’s trunk. After a full year of recovery and therapy, he’s finally cleared to use his new penis

So he takes his beautiful girlfriend out for a nice meal at a fancy restauran...

A Canadian, a Swiss, a German, a Mexican, a American, a Korean, a Austrian, a Brazilian, a Estonian, a Filipino, a British, a Egyptian, a Icelander, a Jamaican, a South African, a Puerto Rican, a Chinese, a Latvian, a Moroccan, a Taiwanese, a Spaniard, and a Romanian walk into a fancy restaurant.

The waiter stops them and says “Sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

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A tourist in Spain...

A wealthy American tourist traveling in Spain goes to a fancy restaurant and requests the most expensive item on the menu. They bring him two large round balls of a very unusual looking meat. He is pleased by the size of the portions, but is wondering what kind of meat it is and asks the waiter. The...

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Spanish meatballs

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the...

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A man is told by his doctor that he'll never again have a erection.

"It's a very unique case of erectile dysfunction" the doctor says.

"There is only only way to possibly cure it, but the procedure is very risky and unorthodox. You see, I can graft tissue from an elephant's truck into your penis, which could allow you to achieve an erection."

The man,...

A jewish couple where walking the streets of Rome on vacation.

They walk past a fancy restaurant and the wife says " mmm that place smells amazing!". The Husband replies " You're right it does smell really good. If you want on the way back to the hotel we can walk by this same place again"

A husband and wife are out to dinner

When all of sudden a very attractive young lady comes up and kisses the husband on the cheek, winks, and walks away.

Naturally, the wife is less than pleased about this

"Who was that?" She asks

"That's Jessica, my mistress" he replies

As you can imagine, the wife is not ...

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The Waiter and the Spoon

A married couple decides to brave Covid and eat out for their anniversary at a fancy restaurant. They’ve been ordering Grubhub for months and are excited to support a local business in person. They order soup, but as it arrives, the man accidentally knock his spoon onto the floor with his elbow. To ...

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Three women started boasting about their sons...

"What a birthday I had last year!" exclaimed the first. " My son, that wonderful boy, threw me a big party in a fancy restaurant. He even paid for plane tickets for my friends."
"That's very nice, but listen to this," said the second. "Last winter, my son gave me an all-expense-paid cruise to th...

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One of my favorite jew jokes.

3 Jewish mothers get together for lunch one day at a fancy restaurant on the upper east side in Manhattan. They haven't seen each other in years, so the conversation naturally, turns to their sons. The first one says, "My Moishe...he's the best doctor in all of New York. Celebrities see him. Michael...

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A panda goes out to dinner

A panda goes out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. After finishing his meal he stands up, pulls out his gun, shoots the waiter, and begins to leave. Frantically, the manager stops the panda and says, "what did the waiter do? ! Why did you shoot him? You can't just shoot people, I'm calling the p...

Four friends decide to create a new tradition

They all have their birthdays the same week, so when they turn 50, they decide they would go every ten years to celebrate at a fancy restaurant.

The first time, when they turn 50, they have a discussion about where to go.

Friend 1: Let's go to the *Thai Orchid*, I heard they have reall...

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A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged...

The doctor asked him how large he wanted it, and the man told him to make it as large as possible. The doctor spliced a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pan...

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A nice one from my dad who is a chef.

A man goes to a fancy restaurant. The head waiter seats him and he receives the menu. The man orders a three course dinner.

The waitor comes out with the precourse which is a soup. The man couldn't help noticing the waitor having his thumb in the soup,but decides to eat the soup any way.
...

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And older man marries a beautiful younger woman, but has trouble getting it up.

So he goes to his doctor to see if there's anything that can help. The man is worried about taking drugs to help his ED, so the doctor tells him, "Well, there's an experimental surgery where we graft on a muscle from an elephant's trunk." The man gets very excited about this, and they proceed with t...

I used to have a co-worker named Joe.

He seemed to have come out of no where. When he first got the job, We asked him where he was from, but he would always just shrug off the question. Nevertheless, Joe and I got along really well.

One day, he approached me and asked if he could move in with me and my girlfriend. He told us abou...

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A man and a woman are on a first date...

... at a fancy restaurant when the bread is delivered to the table. The woman looks up from her glass of wine and sees the man's penis reach up over the table, grab a roll and bring it back down. She decides that the wine must have gone to her head and the date continues. A few minutes later the man...

2 Jokes

Joke 1: A man is driving alongside a cliff leading down into the ocean. He's a delivery man for Dunkin' donuts, so his truck is filled with boxes of donuts of every kind. Glazed, old-fashioned, even apple fritters, you name it, he has it in his truck. Now this man is in a hurry, and he's driving pre...

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The Donut Joke

There was once an unemployed donut named Bob. Luckily for him, a pirate ship sailed into the port that day. He went to the captain of the ship and said, “Can I work on your ship?” The captain said “No.” The donut went home all sad and depressed. The next day, he went back to the captain. “Can I work...

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