UPJOKE

Empty Bottle Jokes

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I just saw a clip of some Ukrainians making Molotov cocktails using empty bottles of Jager. They’re making…

….JAGER BOMBS!!

A drunk man looking at his empty bottle of beers...

Drunk : ( picking up 1 empty bottle ) You're the reason my wife left me! ( then throws it on the wall )

Then he picks up another empty bottle.

Drunk : You're the reason my children left me! Then throws it against the wall!

Then he picks up another empty bottle.

Drunk : Y...

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?

Nothing.

My dad has a weird hobby, he collects empty bottles.

Which sounds a lot better than alcoholic.

Why does a blonde put empty bottles in her fridge?

For guests that aren't thirsty.

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A man goes to the doctor and the doc says

“Everything is great! But there’s just one more thing that I need you to do”
The man replied “well what is it?”
The doc says “ I need you to go home and ejaculate in this bottle. We just need to look and see if everything is ok downstairs. Come back tomorrow with the bottle ”
So the man c...

A man stood outside of his house after a bitter divorce and he noticed a crate of beer bottles.

He took out an empty bottle and smashed it onto the wall swearing, "you are the reason I don't have a wife.
He smashed the second bottle, "you are the reason I don't have children".
He smashed the third bottle, "you are the reason I don't have a job".
When he took the fourth bottle, h...

A drunk got on a bus one day and sat down next to a priest.

The drunk stank of wine, his shirt was stained, his face was all red, and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.

He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "Mi...

A 70 year old man went for a sperm test

The Doctor gave him a bottle to collect sperm.


The next day, the man came with the empty bottle and said he tried with his left hand then right hand.
Then his wife tried with her left hand and right
hand. Then his daughter-in-law tried with both
hands & mouth. Then the neighb...

I was in my kitchen

Drinking a beer, when suddenly it said "hey hiya, how's it going!" I was stunned. "Wow, you can talk?" I asked the beer.

"Sure!" It said, "All beers can talk."

"Oh really?" I asked. I picked up an empty bottle and said "Can you talk?"

"Mmrrphrrgaaaa!" Is all the empty bottle sai...

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An American visit Russia

and walks into a bar., saying “I’ve heard that Russians drink a lot, but I’m going to bet $500 that none of you will chug a whole bottle of vodka in one go.”.
Suddenly the bar goes quiet, no one takes the bet, one drunk even left. A few minutes later the drunk comes back and asks “Is your bet sti...

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A man walks into a bar, and sees a huge jar sitting on the counter.

The jar is stuffed with $10 bills. There has to be at least twenty grand in there. Curious, he approaches the bartender.

He asks, "What's the deal with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, and if you complete three challenges, you win the entire jar."

"What ar...

A cop pulls over a car swerving all over the road

After the cop tells the driver why he stopped him and asks for his license and registration, he notices an open, half-empty bottle sitting on the floor.

Cop: “Sir, what is that bottle between your feet?”

Driver (burping): “Uh, it’s a bottle of water officer.”

Cop: “I can see...

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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

A Bridge Too Far

An Irishman was collecting empty bottles on the beach one day when he found one with a tiny man inside it. He let the man out and for this the tiny man told him that he could have one wish. “I’m dead scared of flying” the Irishman told him “And I get terribly seasick from just looking at a boat and ...

A man walks into a bar

As he walks to the counter, he sees a one foot tall man playing the piano. He comments the player on his skill, and then sits down and orders a beer. The bartender reaches down and hands him an empty bottle.

"What's this?" asks the man. "I asked for a beer." "That's the wishing bottle," the b...

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road

one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone call...

An British, Mexican, French and American soldier were drinking around a campfire in Iraq

The British soldier finished drinking his bottle of whisky , threw it into the desert and shot the bottle.

"Why did you do that?" asked the French soldier.

"Because in Britain we have lots of whisky"

The French Soldier finished his bottle of wine, and like the British soldier he...

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the doctor gave me a prescription for my weird fetish

It was really helpful since i like putting my penis in empty bottles.

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A nun comes over to a grocery store and yelps at the cashier: "A bottle of rum".

The cashier obliged, but he couldn't help but ask: "I thought nuns don't drink". "Well, mother sometimes has constipation and a little bit of rum helps her with that", the nun replied. The cashier nods and a few hours later in the evening, he closes the store and leaves home. On the way, he noticed ...

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So a Nun Walks into a Liquor Store...

...and shyly asks for a bottle of their finest Vodka. The Store own replys, "I'm sorry mam, but your mother superior has already informed me that you are not to buy any alcohol from me."

'But sir!" she replied, "It is for the mother superior. She's....constipated..." and she hands the store o...

A man was being chased by a casket as he returned home late at night....

Desperate, he rushed into the bathroom that no one in the house ever uses and slammed the door shut.

As the thumping of the casket trying to break through the door echoed through the rather empty bathroom, the man frantically searched the place for something he can fight the casket with, howe...

A man sees a boy smoking and drinking

A man walks home late at night, and suddenly saw an 8-year old boy with a smoking cigarette, drinking from a half-empty bottle of scotch. Outraged, he screams at the kid:

"What the hell are you doing? Those things are very bad for you health, and you're far too young to even consider this!"...

A cop sees a car swerving around as it goes down the road and pulls it over.

At the wheel, he finds a priest. So the cop shines a light in the car and asks him, “have you been drinking, father?”

The priest says, “Just water.”

The cop moved his flashlight to the passenger seat and saw an empty bottle of wine. The priest looks at it and cries out, “Good Lord, He’...

A man asks his fiancee to get married...

She happily accepts his proposal, but he sets out a clear condition if they're to marry.

"I have a closet at the end of the hall, and I keep it locked. That is my personal space and I don't want anyone, including my wife, to ever enter. Can you agree to that?"

She thinks his request a ...

One downside of teleworking is having to start work early . . .

. . . just to clean up the mess and the empty bottles left last night, by winos partying at my workstation.

Police Checkpoint

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a few bottles of Budweiser

Bubba, said "Slow down, Earl, a Police checkpoint is ahead!!

There was quite a few vehicles in front of them so Earl said, "Don't worry, Bubba, "We'll just pull over and finish drinking these beers, peel o...

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A nun walks into an off-licence (liquor store for you 'muricans)

"I'd like a large bottle of your best Irish whiskey, if you please," she says to the man behind the counter.

"Ah but sister," said the shopkeeper. "I can't be selling such evil liquids to you now, you being a woman of the cloth and all."

The nun looks sternly at the man and says "Don't...

After 40 years of marriage . . .

After their wedding, the bride put a hinged box on the bedside table, and told her husband never to open it and check to see what is inside of it. They go about their marriage and the husband obliges.

So forty years passed and the husband impatiently and finally opened the box and found thre...

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The Devil Makes a Deal with 3 Addicts Sentenced to Hell

Three sinners are sentenced to Hell for their various addictions. One is addicted to drinking, one is addicted to sex, and one is addicted to smoking. The Devil tells them that he is going to lock them in a room with their respective desires for a thousand years, and if they manage to resist temptat...

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A door-to-door salesman knocks on a door of a house

Little Johnny opens up, holding a half empty bottle of whisky and a lit cigar.

The salesman says, "hey kid, are your mom and dad home?"

Johnny takes a swig of whisky and a puff of the cigar, and answers, "What the fuck do you think"?

A boomer, a millennial, and a Gen Z kid walk into a bar

They sit down at a table and order a bottle of whiskey. The boomer pours a tall glass for himself and says, "There ain't no social security left, so I'm pouring myself a big glass of whiskey!" Then, the millennial grabs the bottle an pours a medium sized glass and says, "I've got $100,000 in student...

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The other day

An Englishman, American and Irishman were having a drink at the bar. The Englishman says to the others "The other day, I went into my daughters room and found a cigarette! I didn't even know that she smoked!".


The American chuckles "That's nothing! The other day I went into my daught...

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A guy walks into a bar, and sees a jar full of money sitting on the table.

Puzzled, he looks at the bartender before ordering a drink.

“Shit, is this the tip jar for today?”

The bartender, cleaning a glass, shakes his head before looking up at the man.

“No, that’s our prize money.”

“Prize money?” The man asked. “What competition did this bar com...

The guy comes to his senses in a bar

There's some dusty empty bottle in front of him and some weirdly dressed dude sitting next to him.

The dude goes, "So, what's your last wish?"

The guy is puzzled, "What wish?"

The dude, "Ah, yes, of course you wouldn't remember. See, I'm the genie that was locked in this bottle....

Two men get into a car wreck...

Both men are all right and meet to exchange information. The older man offers the younger man a drink to calm his nerves while they wait for the insurance investigator to arrive.

"Thanks for that drink, sir," the younger man says, emptying the little bit left in the bottle. "That was pretty...

Priest DUI

So a priest is driving along, swerving a bit and gets pulled over, the officer asks him 'have you had anything to drink tonight father' to which the priest replies 'only water' the officer then points out a empty bottle of wine in the passenger seat, the priest then shouts 'Jesus Christ! He's done i...

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When i go down....

Jean Pierre, popularly known as JP among his friends was a fighter jet pilot of the French air force.

One day he took his girlfriend to the park for a picnic. Since he wanted to be really romantic, he packed the picnic basket himself.

Hours later, JP and his girlfriend were having a g...

Superman grandpa

On the first day of school the teacher asks the children to go home and ask for a family history story that has a morale in it. So one child comes to school the next day and tells the teacher this: you see, my grandpa was a bomber pilot. His plane was shot and he had to bail out. On his body was an ...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of 10 dollar bills sitting on the counter.

He figures there must be thousands of dollars in that jar because it is quite large and nearly filled to the brim.

The man then approaches the bartender and inquires him about the jar of money.

The bartender tells him, "If you drop a 10 dollar bill into that jar and pass three challeng...

another polish joke

why do polish people keep empty bottles in the fridge?
for those that don't want anything to drink

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St. Patricks day jokes!

This is for y'all to add on to, but I've got us a few starters here. Enjoy!

* So two Irish guys walk out of a bar...

* An Irishman walks into a pub and orders dozens of martinis, removing the olives, placing them in a jar, and drinking the martinis. When the jar is filled with olives a...

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There were 3 men...

There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question.To he first he said “what was your biggest sin on earth?” and the man replied “Oh man I just love alcohol and being drunk man” so the devil showed the man to a room ful...

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American P. O. W

At the end of the cold war their was an American Prisoner Of War still being held at a Russian military camp, The Russian commander walks up to the American and says "Your in luck my American friend for the war has ended." I am a fair commander but you have killed several of my men, I will however g...

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[Long] An old gambler sits down at a bar and orders a drink. After a few drinks the gambler calls the bartender over and says "I'll bet you $100 dollars I can wrap my knee around my neck.

"The bartender thinks to himself that's impossible there's no way that old man is that limber so he says "I'll take that bet" and pulls a $100 dollars from the drawer. The old gambler removes his prosthetic leg and wraps it around his neck grabs the hundred dollars and buys another round.

Af...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.

The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. “This is the cheapes...

Father O’Brien was driving home after lunch when a policeman pulled him over ...

Father O’Brien was driving home after lunch when a policeman pulled him over. “What have you been drinking?” asked the cop. “Only water,” replied the priest. “Then what’s that next to you?” said the policeman, pointing to the half-empty bottle of pinot noir in the passenger seat.

“Good Lord!...

A guy walks into a bar after a long day.

I thought this up today. My exhausted mind thought it was funny as well as my slap-happy friends.. we were all a bit out of it. Anyway..

This guy is walking home after a really long, hard day. He decides to stop by his favorite bar to wind down a bit.

He walks in and sits at the counte...

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The Forest Incident

The animals of the forest are having a meeting. For months on end, there was one big party and the forest lookes like the end of spring break. Vomit everywhere, empty bottles and trash on every clearing.

They agreed that this can't go on and voted to go teatotal. The bear was elected sheriff...

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