UPJOKE

Eat A Lot Jokes

When I get stoned I like to listen to Pink Floyd & eat a lot.

I have become comfortably plump.

I used to eat a lot of cold cuts, but I recently stopped.

I quit cold turkey.

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When I eat a lot of veggies I tend to poop a lot...

Guess that’s why they call it pro-deuce.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods,

until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

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a healthy diet

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans....

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste.

When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

My mom doesn't like it when I eat a lot of sweets

So whenever she asks me how much I've had I just fudge the numbers.

Why did the anthropologist eat a lot of yogurt?

So that he could understand culture.

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

The other day I saw a boy eating a lot of chocolate on a bus.

The other day I saw a boy eating a lot of chocolate on a bus. I told him:"Stop! Eating too much chocolate is bad for your health and makes you fat!" He looked up and said:"My grandpa has lived for 95 years and he is still well and healthy, you know." "Do you mean that this is because he eat a lot of...

If you're broke you can just go eat a lot in london. You will profit as you gain pounds.

Only works if American.

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A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, "Don't eat candy, kid. It's not good for you."

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97."

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"Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?"

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The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

You are what you eat

son: if you eat a lot of bananas will that make you go bananas?
Dad: hmm maybe. Your brother eats a lot of corn and he’s corny. Your sister eats a lot of cheese and she’s cheesy. Your mother eats a lot of nuts and she’s nuts and I eat.. I guess you could say I’m a scaredy cat
Son: huh?
Da...

TIL humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

To be fair, most humans do not eat a lot of monkeys.

Doctor, how can I live 100 years?

Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?

Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Then why...

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A man sits down on a park bench...

and sitting next to him is a small boy eating chocolate bar after chocolate bar. The man turns to him and says, "It's probably not that healthy to eat so much chocolate." The boy stares at the man and eats another piece of chocolate. After swallowing, the boy says, "My grandfather lived to be 110 ...

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Bear and Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the forest, and the bear turned to the rabbit and said, we eat a lot of the same things, I'm curious, does shit stick to your fur? The rabbit replied, the one good thing about being so fluffy is shit never sticks to my fur. With that the bear promptly picked...

A man goes to the the doctor with terrible constipation,

The doctor examined him and said "do you eat a lot of peas?"

The man nods his head and the doctor says "if you cut them out then everything should go back to normal" so the man does and everything is fine.

Years later he is drinking in a bar with some old guys and one of them says "I c...

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An American was talking to a Japanese friend on why he wouldn't eat french fries and hamburgers...

The Japanese friend said: "In Japan normally we don't eat a lot of unhealthy stuff because it'll make us fat".

The American said: "Why do you care about being fat?"

The Japanese friend said: "You don't want to know what happened last time when we had a fat man in Japan..."

I sure hope Pennywise isn't lactose intolerant...

He seems to eat a lot of Derry

As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made.

His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.

In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair.

The dentist was shocked that it ...

A man with erection problem go to the doctor

The doctor says:"in order to solve your problem you have to eat a lot of bread.
The man says:" how the bread can help me?!? ".
The doctor says:" trust me and eat a lot of bread.
The same day the man went to buy the bread in a trust shop and asks for 3kg of bread.
The baker knows that th...

Why did Mario move to the country?

To eat a lot of Peaches!

A grandma and her peanut jar.

Everytime I went over to my grandmothers place there was always a full jar of peanuts.

Since I love peanuts, I would always eat a lot of them whenever I was at her house.

One day I finally asked my grandmother why she always had a full jar of peanuts lying around.

Grandma: well...

Women are like the police

Once they've settled on a partner they eat a lot of donuts and then grow a mustache

Was at the cremation of and old buddy last week

He was always the funny one. His last joke was to eat a lot of corn before he died, knowing they'd burn him.

Quite the spectacl!

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An old Man Sees a young boy sitting on the curb

The man notices that the child has a rather large bag of candy, and is shovelling it into his mouth at an alarming rate.

The old man , Feeling obliged to pass on his knowledge , Tells the boy.

"Hey Kid , If you keep eating candy like that , you wont live for much longer!"

The yo...

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A couple I heard today.

An old man walks up to a kid eating candy at the park and says, "You shouldn't eat candy; it's bad for you." The kid looks up at him and says, "Well my great grandfather lived to be 100 years old." "Oh, did he eat a lot of candy?" "No, he minded his own fucking business."

A little boy saw ...

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