UPJOKE

Drunk Man Jokes

A very drunk man in a bar orders another scotch. The bartender says, "You're too drunk, Joe, go home.

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.

A few minutes later he walks back in and says, "I'll have a scotch."

The bartender says, "Joe, I told you. You're too drunk. Go home."

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.

A f...

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A drunk man sitting at a bar starts to dry heave (long)

The bar patrons instinctively moved away from him, and sure enough, he vomits all over the bar and himself. The man immediately starts sobbing loudly.

The bartender approaches slowly to address the mess. He says to the man "Hey, man. Don't worry about it. You're not the first guy to throw up ...

A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar...

...and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them.
He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.”
He then turns to the second priest and say...

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A drunk man was at the checkout waiting to buy more beer when...

..a young women behind him began placing her items down. She had a bottle of wine, ice cream, scented candles, a magazine, and some tampons. She notices the drunk man watching her and decides to add condoms to her pile from off the rack. The man looks the at the items, then back at her and drunkenly...

A drunk man goes into a restaurtant

A drunk man goes into a restaurtant. He tells the waiter: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."

The waiter tells him: "Sorry, we don't serve drunk people. Please leave."

The man angrily leaves, comes back 15 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 ...

A drunk man walks into a bar

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"


The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My frien...

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A drunk man with a sheep under his arm walks into his bedroom

Where his wife is in bed. He says "this is the pig I have sex with when I'm not with you"
His wife hardly looks up and says "you daft twat, that's a sheep"
"I know," says the man, "I was talking to the sheep..."

A drunk man who smelled like beer

sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Sa...

Drunk man: "Is life worth living?"

well, it depends on the liver.

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A drunk man walks up to the bartender

A drunk man walks up to the bartender and asks for a drink.

The bartender tells him, “No way man. You’re already hammered and your tab comes out at over $200.”

The man responds, “Please I’ll do anything. I’m having really bad withdrawals I just need a beer or two.”

“Really? Any...

A drunk man hails a taxi. When the cab pulls over, the drunk sticks his head in the passenger side window and asks the driver, "Have you got room here for a whole lobster and three bottles of wine?" "Sure." replies the driver.

"Fantastic!" and throws up on the passenger seat.

Drunk man at a party ..

Asks the host if lemons have legs. Host answers no, of course not. Drunk replies Oh dear, I must have squeezed your canary into my drink

A drunk man is stumbling around outside...

He smells of beer and looks absolutely plastered. A priest walks by and asks him why he's getting drunk so early in the day. The man wobbles a bit and belches out "Why, I'm your lord and savior". The priest is, obviously, unconvinced and begins to walk away. The drunk calls out "Look, I'll prove it!...

A drunk man walked into a bar.

As a bystander, I couldn’t help but laugh as I watched a bruise form on his head.

A drunk man drops his keys

After a night of heavy drinking, at around 2 a.m. a man staggers to get home. He hears his keys fall out of his pockets. Annoyed by this he swears and starts looking for them.

Some time later a cop car patrolling the area stops by him and a policeman gets out of the car and asks him:

...

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A drunk man walks into a bar...

A drunk man, 35 years old, walks into a bar. Stumbling through the bar, he finds a seat and asks the bartender for a whiskey.

The bartender, seeing how drunk he is, is hesitant to serve the man. "How much have you had to drink today?" he asks.

The man responds, "Today's my Anniversar...

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A drunk man at a bar shouts "all lawyers are assholes!"

Another man replies "TAKE THAT BACK!"

"Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an asshole"

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As a drunk man is walking home from the bar

He gets sick, leans against a wall and pukes. Some of it gets on his shirt and now the man worries that his wife will know he was a drunk mess tonight. But then he gets a bright idea and puts $20 in his shirt pocket. When he arrives home his wife looks at him and says, "look at you! did you puke on ...

A drunk man ran over a policeman, and immediately dials 911

- 911?
- Yes
- Well, now you're 910.

A drunk man

A drunk man is questioned by a police officer at midnight, asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture on alcohol abuse & ill effects on my health."
Officer: Really....??? Sounds interesting, Who is giving that lecture at this time of ni...

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A drunk man is walking through the park at night...

when he sees a small, dark figure in the distance. He is curious, and gets closer and sees a small person with his back to him. He touches the small man on his shoulder to turn and identify the person and is shocked...

"I can't believe what I am seeing! This has to be my lucky day! Are you.....

An already drunk man walks into a bar,

shouting "happy new year, everybody."
The bartender answers "its easter already, you moron."
The man becomes pale and mumbles "oh no, i am gonna be in real trouble with my wife, when i get home..."

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A guy traveling through a small town walks into the only bar. There’s one other patron in the entire place, already drunk. The drunk man stumbles over, wraps an arm around the traveler’s shoulder and begins to talk:

“Did you see that fence on your way in? I built that fence. Do they call me Fence-Builder Johnson? No...” He downs a shot of whiskey.
“Did you see that barn down the road? I built that barn. Do they call me Barn-Raiser Johnson? No...” He downs another shot of whiskey.
“Did you see those storef...

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Drunk Man Gets Arrested

Police Officer: 'Anything you say can and will be held against you' .........
Drunk: 'Boobs!'

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A drunk man walks into a bar looking for a fight...

.... so he stands up in the front of the bar and yells out "All lawyers are assholes!" The bar falls silent for a few seconds before a man finally gets up from his table, taps the drunk man on the shoulder, and says "Take that back." The drunk man responds- "Why, are you a lawyer?" to which the man ...

Drunk man enters taxi

A drunk man staggers into a taxi cab after a long night of drinking. He wants to keep drinking so he says to the driver while slurring, "take me to the bar on 3rd street"

The taxi driver is bewildered and says, "but sir, we're here".


The drunk takes out his wallet, throws money d...

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2 drunk man are sitting in a bar

2 very drunk man are sitting in a bar, one of them throws up on his shirt and says "Man, my wife is going to kill me. I was only supposed to get groceries"

The other man looks at him and says "I have a idea, put 50$ in your shirt pocket. If you're wife asks about the shirt you just say, that ...

A drunk man tried to enlist in the Army

He heard they had an excellent draft.

A drunk man staggers into an empty church.

He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.

"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ...

A drunk man is shouting "twenty five" while

Looking at the open manhole infront of him....
Another man comes seeing the drunk man shouting
"Twenty five" again and again while looking inside the open manhole.he asks why he is doing that...
Drunk man doesn't replies....
He keeps shouting "twenty five" while ignoring what other man ...

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A drunk man staggers onto an elevator

There's a woman already in the car. The drunk slurs, "Can I smell your pussy?"

"No!" the woman exclaims angrily.

"Must be your shoes then."

A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...

and says to them:

"Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?"

Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!"

"Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely *whales* from?"

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A drunk man approaches the bartender...

And he says, I bet you $100 I can stand on one end of the bar, and piss into a shot glass at the other end without making any mess at all.

The bartender laughs, and assumes there will be a little mess but for $100, cleaning it up wouldn't be a bad wage, so he agrees.

The man places the...

A drunk man walks into a library

He stumbles to the counter and says to the librarian, "I'll have a double cheeseburger please."
Confused the librarian says, "Sir, this is a library."
Clearing his throat, "oh sorry. ᴵ'ˡˡ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵃ ᵈᵒᵘᵇˡᵉ ᶜʰᵉᵉˢᵉᵇᵘʳᵍᵉʳ ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ."

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A drunk man is playing around on a roof.

A drunk man is playing around on a roof when suddenly he trips and starts falling down the 13 story building. As he's falling he starts praying, "please God, I promise if I survive I will never drink again." A miracle happens, he breaks his landing and doesn't die. Checks himself to see if this is r...

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door."

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

"Can I help you?"

"Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man.

"Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the doo...

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A pissed drunk man stumbles onto the bus on his way home...

When he finally hobbles his way to the last empty seat, he turns to see a posh stiff lady seated with her frilly pink French poodle.

He turns his head shakily and slurs, "Where'dh ye get tha' pig?"

The lady huffs and retorts, "Ugh! Why, I'll have you know Mr. Squiggles is **not** a pig...

A drunk man at the carnival...

A horribly drunk man stumbled up to a carnival game booth and sloppily picked up the air rifle. On his very first shot he knocked the target down, much to the game operator's astonishment.

"Wow, sir that was amazing," said the operator as he handed the drunkard a live turtle. "You'll be going...

I dinna do it ! Said the drunk man

An Irishman was drinking in a bar. He starts to get up and throws up on a shirt.

" oh no ! Now we wife is gonna know I drank to much"

Guy next to him says "nah your okay. Here's what you do. Put a fiver in your pocket and throw the shirt on the laundry pile. When your wife finds it te...

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A drunk man pukes on himself

A man is at the bar drinking with his buddies, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," one of his buddies says, "give me a ten-dollar bill." The friend folds up the bill and puts it in the drunk guy's shirt pocke...

A drunk man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in the confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies "No use knockin' mate, there's no toilet paper in this one either.”

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A drunk man stumbles into his house with a chicken under his arm...

His wife is waiting for him in bed, pissed off. The man looks at his wife and says “this... this is the pig... that I been fuckin”
His wife says “you stupid son of a bitch, that’s a chicken!”
To which the man replies “I was talking to the chicken!”

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A drunk man driving is stopped by a police control

The drunk man says, "officer take this but don't take my car " and hands the police officer 100 dollars

After some minutes again the same guy finds another police control, same thing again 100 bucks and he lets him go

2 minutes driving and again police control, 100 bucks and good to go...

A guy in a tall building walks into a bar and sees a drunk man.

The drunk man comes to the balcony and jumps off. A few moments later, the man comes back, perfectly fine.

Later, the man gets drunk and jumps off again. He comes back again perfectly fine.

The guy watching asks "Wow, how did you do that?"

The man responds "Anything can happen w...

A drunk asks the police man

A drunk man asks the police what he has in his left hand. The police man answers there’s nothing in his left hand. Then the drunk man asks again what he has in his right hand. The police man answers there is nothing in his right hand as well. Then the drunk says “damn it. Then I’m peeing my trousers...

A drunk man boards a subway and sits next to a priest.

A drunk man boards a subway and sits next to a priest. The priest is disgusted to see his miserable condition and says, "You are going to hell". The drunk guy looks up frightened and says, "damn I got on the wrong train".

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the counter and starts getting himself really good and drunk. Like, properly pissed. After a while, he feels a certain heaviness in his colon, so he calls over the bartender.

"'Scuse me," he asks blearily. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Oh, it's right down the hall!" the bart...

A drunk man walks into a music store...

...and slurs: "I want to buy the trumpet and the accordion there".
The seller replies: "Sorry, I'm not selling those".

The drunk man starts grunting and leaves the store.
The next day he comes back and says: I want to buy the instruments there!
The seller reacts annoyed: Not. for. sa...

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

A drunk man falls down the front steps of the W Hotel in New York.

He lands at the feet of a cab driver waiting for his next fare. The drunk man stands up and says, “Take me to the W Hotel!”



The cabby looks at the drunk man and tells him, “Buddy, you’re at the W Hotel.”



Perfect,” the man says, handing the driver a twenty-dollar bill, “...

The Drunk Man

comes home at 3am completely wasted. Staggering into everything he knocks over the tv, breaks all of the china, and passes out on the floor. The next morning he wakes up tucked into bed, with a rose and an I love you note beside the bed. The man walks cautiously into the kitchen, where he smells ba...

So a drunk man walks into a bar...

... into a chair, and into a table.


(tough crowd)

A drunk man looking at his empty bottle of beers...

Drunk : ( picking up 1 empty bottle ) You're the reason my wife left me! ( then throws it on the wall )

Then he picks up another empty bottle.

Drunk : You're the reason my children left me! Then throws it against the wall!

Then he picks up another empty bottle.

Drunk : Y...

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A drunk man stumbles into a bar...

A drunk man stumbles into a bar and approaches the bartender and orders two shots of whiskey.

Bartender says "damn man, you look like you've had a shitty day"
Drunk man, slightly crying says "it'sss been the worst day of my whole liffffe! I wassss standing on the corner of street taking ...

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A drunk man stumbles around downtown..

and he is approached by a cop.
The cop says, "Excuse me sir, where are you going?"

The drunk replies with a slurred "I'm just looking for my car, but I can't find it. I think someone took it."

"Well where was the last place you saw it?"

The drunk says "Right h...

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A very drunk man walks in to a pub

He tells the bartender "bartender, I want a drink. In fact, give everyone in here a drink on me. You have a drink with us, too." The bartender serves everyone a drink of their choosing and himself then hands the drunk man the bill. The drunk man pats himself down looking for his wallet and says "...

It is 1am when a drunk man at the bar decided to call it a night.

He leaves the bar completely drunk, tries to take two steps and collapses miserably on the floor.

He says to himself: "Well, my poor old man, you’ve had a bit too much .... let's to crawl to the exit to breathe some fresh air, it'll be better afterwards”.



He crawls outside an...

A drunk man staggers out of a bar late at night.

Struggling to keep his balance, he grabs on to a nearby pole to be able to stand still. A few minutes later a fire engine zooms by blaring its sirens. Looking at the truck, the man started running furiously after it and yelling incoherently, but after a good kilometre, he finally collapsed and panti...

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A drunk man walks into a bakery...

He approaches the baker and says "I fucked your mother!"
On which the baker replies "Go home dad"

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In a crowded bar, a drunk man enters and calls out one of the customers:

\- Hey you! I've been at your mother's place before, and I fucked her good! everyone looks shocked at the guy but he was just sipping his Scotch in peace. The man leaves and arrives after 30 minutes, saying to the same guy:

\- Hey you! I fucked your mom so good that she still hasn't recovered...

A drunk man was kicked out of the bar.

He is desperately wanting another drink but they won’t allow him back in. He notices two young blokes walking up tot he bar. “Hey you, buy me another drink,” he mumbles.
“Do it yourself,” the two young men laughed.
“I can’t, I was kicked of the bar,” the drunk man exclaimed.
The drunk man w...

A drunk man is sitting on a bar stool.

He leans over and asks the guy on his left, “did you shpill your drink on me?” The guy says “no I did not.” He then leans over and asks the guy on his right, “did you shpill your drink on me?” “No, I certainly did not.”

“Then I guess it must have been an inside job.”

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A drunk man goes to a bar

and asks the Bartender " How tall is a Penguin"?
To which bartender replies "hmm, 2 feet"
Man: Don't they get any taller?
Bartender: 3 ft at most , no taller than that. Why?
Man : Shit, in that case i just drove over a nun.

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A drunk man killed 25 driving his truck

While being persecuted, the judge asked: "Why did you drove over that many people knowing there was another road you could've diverted to?"

"Okay, hear me out" the driver said, "if you were driving a truck, and you were faced with a fork in the road; one direction has 24 people on it, and ano...

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A drunk man goes to chemist & shouts: “I want condom”

Chemist: “Sir, please be decent”
Drunk man puts his dick on table and said: “ Do you have clothes for this gentleman”

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A completely drunk man gets on the bus.

He sees a woman and mumbles to her:
- Excuse me, you remind me of my wife.
She says: "Sit down, you fucking soak!"
- Oh, you even sound like her.

'When 3 Drunk Man in a Bar'

One day there were 3 men in a bar. They all got drunk and went home. The next day, they gathered together and talked about how drunk they were. The first guy said, "I was so drunk last night, I made out with the lamp." The second guy said, "That's nothing, I got my DUI." The third guy said, "I went ...

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A drunk man is at a bar and says that he can fart the Star Spangled Banner... (Nsfw)

The bartender says "go ahead!"

The man stands on the bar completely naked and proceeds to shit all over the bar.

The bartender says "What the hell did you do that for?"

The drunk then says "C'mon! Even Frank Sinatra has to clear his throat before a performance!"

At the end of a busy night in a bar a clearly drunk man approaches the bartender. "Hey man," he says, "I'll bet you $50 I can stand at one end of the bar and pee clear to the other end." He has to clean the bar anyway, so this sounds like an easy 50 to the bartender. He agrees.

"Great! I'll be right back." The man then approaches a group of wasted guys in expensive suits and after a little bit of chatting and back slapping, he returns. He climbs onto the bar, whips it out and proceeds to pee...no more than a foot or so distance. The bartender laughs to himself, thinking h...

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SUPER DRUNK MAN JOKE

This Guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down and chugs a large beer, walks over the window and jumps out.

Five minutes later, the same guy walks into the bar again with not even a scratch on him and repeats the process again.

Every five minute he repeats...

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A drunk man enters his house after a late night at the bar...

Not wanting to wake up his wife and receive a scolding from her, he decides to take off his shoes. While taking off his shoes, the Coo-coo Clocks goes off.

Coo-coo, Coo-coo, Coo-coo.

Thinking the noise will surely wake his wife, he thinks quickly and decides to extend the Coo-coo sound...

A drunk man is walking home from the bar...

and he is walking up the driveway when a robber bursts out of the house with a bag of jewelry. The man is surprised at first, but then he chases and tackles the robber

"Please don't hurt me man! Let me go, I have a family to feed!"

The man pauses, and then says,"Alright, I will let y...

A drunk man was looking confused at a hand mirror

"I've seen this person before" he said.
His drunk friend grabbed the mirror from his hand to take a look "That's me you dumbass".

A drunk man walks out of the bar

A drunk man walks out of the bar and sees a nun standing at the bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she is on the ground crying he says," Not so tough are you now Batman!"

A very drunk man walks into a bar

He yells:

two large beers and a packet of crisps please!

Lady: sir, this is a library.

Man, whispering: two large beers and a packet of crisps please!

A drunk man stared at a huge billboard for more than an hour.

The billboard, advertising soda, wanted the world to Drink Canada Dry. So the drunk bought a bus ticket to give it a shot.

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A very drunk man is in the pub complaining about his current reputation.

A man named Johnny is in the local pub one night and as usual, he is quite drunk. Although he is only talking directly to one of the locals, he is talking loud enough for everyone to hear. He says:

"You see the fucking wall out there, do ya? The fucking wall that fucking stretches from one en...

A drunk man was walking to his apartment, late one night, and accidentally fell down an elevator shaft.

When the paramedics arrived and pulled him out, he said, "Boy, that was a fast elevator!"

A bartender refused to serve a drunk man at a bar last night

He told him to be on his way because of all the trouble he was causing.
"Fine," the man said, "I'll go now."
As he tried to leave the bar, he kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this kept happening until he later spoke with his girlfriend.
The man tells her, "I was so drunk that...

A drunk man has a tooth ache...

...he goes to the local pub, and asks for a drink, saying that one of his tooth hurts, and wants to numb the pain.
After one drink, he tells the barman his tooth still hurts, and asks for another drink.
Then again, after his second drink, he continues to express his pain, so the barman serves...

Drunk man refuses to pay bus fare.

On Friday night a drunk man gets on a bus. Bus driver tells him its $1.25 and the drunk reaches into his pocket slowly trying not to fall. The bus driver notices this and steps on the gas causing the drunk to fumble to the back of the bus. Then the bus driver steps on the break pedal and caused the ...

Police officer approaches a drunk man urinating on the street late at night and said.

"Sir, you'll have to accompany me to the police station" the drunk guy responded with a grunt "Jeez! You became a police officer, and still afraid of walking in the dark? Okay I'll walk you home, but don't tell anyone"

A cop stops a drunk man and asks: How high are you?

The man replies: This is wrong english, you should say 'Hi, How are You?'

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A sober man shines a flashlight up into the air and asks a drunk man to climb the beam, who angrily refuses to do so.

He says, "You think I'm fucking drunk?"

The sober man replies "no," but is interrupted by the drunk man.

"If I tried to climb it, you would turn the light off and I would fall!"

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A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over...

A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over by a police officer.

As the officer approaches the car, the drunk man jumps out of the door and tries to make a run for it. The cop, furious, catches up to the drunk man and brings him back to his car.

The officer proceeds to reach into...

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