UPJOKE

Double Shot Jokes

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A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.

Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order."
Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay..."
Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone.

-Next day-
The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks.
Bartender: "Still not over ...

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Guy walks into the bar and asks for a double shot of tequila. Bartender pours it and immediately the guy drinks. Guy then immediately asks for another double, bartender pours it and guy drinks immediately. The bartender in shock that he drank the shots so quickly asks"whoa, what are you celebrating?

Guy " I just experienced my first blowjob"

Bartender "Congrats, this ones on me bud"

Guy drinks it "Thank you"

Bartender " so how was it?"

Guy " Not bad, but I'm still trying to get the taste out my mouth"

An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him

“Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!”.

The drunk looks at her and asks “How do you know that drinking is so bad for you?”.

The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The drunk says “Have yo...

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My go-to joke: the monkey who dunks his balls in the whiskey

This joke has probably been posted in here before, but what the hell, it’s my favorite.

So this guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a glass of whiskey, double shot, no ice.
“There you go, sir”, says the bartender, and hands the man his whiskey.
Suddenly, a monkey appear...

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Three vampires walk into a bar.

The first vampire orders a shot of blood, the second vampire orders a double shot and the third one orders a cup of hot water.

Confused, the bartender asks the 3rd vampire, "Why didn't you order any blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and replies, "I'm making tea".

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I went on a date with a lovely woman and we started talking about sex.

"I'm quite inexperienced. Could you give me some advice on how I might make a woman orgasm?" I asked.

She said, "I suggest that you use two fingers instead of one."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," she added. "It's a good way to tell the barman that I'd like a double shot next."

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All lawyers are assholes...

A man walks into a bar, obviously pissed off. He orders a double shot of whiskey, downs it in one gulp, slams his fist down on the bar, and exclaims "GodDAMN it, all lawyers are ASSHOLES!"

The guy next to him stands up, looking ready to fight. "You take that back!"

The first man backs ...

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Guy walks into a bar upset

Asks the bartender for a double shot of whiskey. Bartender pours it, and as fast as he puts I’d down the upset guys throws it on back.

He then asks for another double shot of whiskey. Bartender feels bad for the guy and says “This one is on the House.” Upset guy doesn’t flinch and downs it ag...

A man was driving in a deserted road at night, when suddenly his car starts to cough and splutter as the engine dies

He is forced to pull over to the side of the road in the complete darkness and silence of the night. He grabs his flashlight and pops the hood to see if there's anything he can do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he can't seem to figure out what's wrong with it and he starts to get anxious.
...

Longneck!

A guy walks into the bar with his giraffe and they order a drink. They drink for a while but realize it's almost closing time and they start to do shots. The bartender is a bit worried and finally says okay guys last call. So the man says give us two doubles. He tips generously so the bartender pour...

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down and orders a drink and looks to the end of the bar to find a giant glass vase filled with hundred dollar bills. He asks the bartender, "What is that big vase of hundreds for?" "Oh that's for our challenge, but nobody can complete it." replies the bar keep. Naturally, the man is curious ...

Drunk Money

A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details".

He asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?". The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. The bartender says "if you can knock him out with one punch, you...

a chicken walks into a bar

A chicken walks into a bar and sits down. As the bartender approaches the chicken, he can see that the chicken's eyes are bloodshot and that the chicken seems to have a nervous shake. The bartender asks the chicken if he's alright, and the chicken says he's fine. So the bartender asks the chicken wh...

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