UPJOKE

Do You Think Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

What do you think is history's SHORTEST joke? My submission is Miss Piggy's 2 worder :

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ?"*

Do you think Jeff Bezos sleeps naked?

...or with pajamazon?

How old do you think I am?

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you
don't mind me asking, but how old do you thin...

Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?

Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.

Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.

Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an Itheberg

- Mike Tyson

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

How do you think the unthinkable?

Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rihanna was asked; "why do you think Chris Brown was denied a visa in Australia?"

She replied:


"Beats the hell outta me"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

A woman said to her husband: "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"

The man smiled and said: "You'll know tonight." That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She embraced him, and then slowly and unwrapped the package. It contained a book entitled, The Meaning of Dreams.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50....

Do you think a dinosaur could beat a mammoth in a fight?

You bet Jurrassic can.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy 1: Why do you think it's ok to harass women?

Guy 2: I don't, her ass meant nothing to me.

Reporter: Herschel Walker, what do you think of the latest abortion bill?

Herschel Walker: I think we should pay it.

do you think this is a good one

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

A friend asked me "What do you think about West Africa"

I said "I've never Benin there, but I want Togo there sometime. However, I don't know if I'm Ghana be able to do that, since it's quite expensive."

"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

Do you think i should get breast implants ?

Nah

Just rub some toilet paper on ‘em

Do you think it will help?

It did wonders for your ass

My wife asked, “Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?” I chuckled and replied...

"No, I think most kids smell that way!"

Do you think CIA interrogators

go waterboarding on their days off?

2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?"

The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"

Do you think they would write a book about Ellen Page's transformation into Elliot?

They really should.

It would be a real Page-turner

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do you think we are here?

John, Paul, and Bill sit around a campfire.

John turns to Paul, and asks him "Why do you think we are here?"

Paul says "Man, I wonder that all the time. Some people think we exist on Earth in purgatory. We suffer here through the trials and tribulations of life in order to determine if...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: "So, what do you think is the reason for you to have problems socializing?"

Me: "Well, that's for YOU to find out, you stupid cunt!"

Do you think Donald Trump get his hairpieces for free...

...or does he have toupée?

How do you think the unthinkable ?

With an itheberg.



Btw.. every single person i’ve ever told this joke to said they didn’t get it or that it wasn’t funny.. why am I the weirdo that finds it funny? And why am I picturing Mike Tyson?

Obv not my joke I heard it on Come Dine With Me

Me: "I want to divorce my wife." Lawyer: "On what grounds?" Me: "She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar." Lawyer:"Is she an alcoholic or do you think she might be cheating?"

Me: "No, she's looking for me."

Do you think oranges become juice willingly

Or are they getting pressured into it?

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg!

PS: Probably an old repost but I haven't seen it in awhile and it's a favorite of mine.

Do you think at the very first KKK meeting

Anyone pushed for the correct spelling of "*Klan*"?

Interviewer: "Why do you think you are qualified to work as a physcologist?"

Me: "Well, why do *you* think I'm qualified to work as a physcologist?"

Interviewer: "You're hired."

Do you think my neighbour will ever stop smoking?

I doused the flames hours ago.

Do you think Bill of the Celtics kids were referred to as

B. Russell Sprouts?

How do you think the unthinkable?

You think the unthinkable >!with and eyeth-berg!<.

Do you think they can bury two people in the same grave?...

I've just been wondering ever since I saw a headstone that said, "here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

Just wondering, do you think it's ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school ?

Or am I just a terrible teacher?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you think Hawkeye is a virgin?

I know he has kids but he always says he shoots better from a distance…

Do you think the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying . . .

"If you build it, they will come."

What do you think when you see a deer with no eyes?

'Good shot!'

I was really getting the hang of ice skating and my son said “Dad, you’re doing great. Do you think you can do some tricks?” And I said “I don’t know. I’ll try…”

And then I pulled a rabbit out of a hat.

A mom asked her son, "Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?"

He stared and replied, "My name's Paul."

I think silence is the best answer sometimes. What do you think dad?

Dad: .....
Me: dad, what do you think?
Dad: .....

Do you think America's gone nuts?

Nah. They've gone coup coup.

Son: Mom, do you think the kids at school will pick on me?

Mom: Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would you say that?

[At the museum] Her: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?

Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.

My friend was recently blinded and asked "Do you think I'll ever see again?"

I told him we'll play it by ear

Who do you think you are?

The bus was crowded, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldn’t let him aboard.
“It is too crowded, “they shouted.” who do you think you are?”
“I am the driver.” he said.

If Bruno Mars married Venus Williams on Earth, do you think they'd have a Sun?

Only if they planet.

Do you think Jesus ever broke a nail?

If he did, I bet he was cross.

"Do you think there's any sign that Dad hates us?"

"I dunno... Beats me, I guess."

How much money do you think an ATM have inside it?

80M because it's 80M

Do you think since they make Gatorade

They will ever make straitorade?

What do you think of german sausages?

I think they are the wurst...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do you think this joke is funny?

A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club, and after a while things start to get hot and heavy. After some heavy kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return to her apartment for the night.

When the couple arrives at the woman's apartment, they begin passiona...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The first time my girlfriend saw my penis she chuckled and said, who do you think you're going to satisfy with that thing?

"Me."

Do you think Mr. Cheese has been going to the gym?

I mean look at him, he's shredded!

Do you think Earth makes fun of the other planets...

...because they have no life?

Who do you think is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

The guy that can carry 12 donuts and 2 cups of coffee.

Do you think Amy Schumer knows about this community?

Her career could skyrocket if she discovered us.

People say Elon Musk is a mad scientist. Do you think he relates to Dr. Jekyll?

Because I've always heard he benefited from having a part Hyde.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Maritime History Professor: So, what do you think is the most important sea in Europe?

Student: Undoubtedly the one in Amsterdam Canal Experience.

Do you think David Bowie just had one set of clothes when he performed?

Or do you think he had several different ch-ch-ch-changes?

Do you think if Jesus clapped hard enough..

The holes in his hands would whistle?

Do you think the US government mishandled the Pandemic?

I’m not just certain, I’m COVID positive.

Mr. President, what do you think about the constitution?

"It's truly awesome. I defeated the virus in only four days and I feel better than 20 years ago."

And what do you think is your worst quality asks the job interviewer?

Honesty, answers the guy

Well, i don’t think that honesty is that bad chuckles the interviewer..

I don’t really give a f what you think…

Johnny raises his hand in class and asks, “Teacher do you think someone should get in trouble for something they didn’t do?”

The teacher responds, “Of course, not!”

Johnny: “Oh, good. I didn’t do my homework.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you think only sadists drive VW Beetles?

Just to drive around and watch strangers punch each other.

"The moon is waning. Do you think it's sad?"

Nah, it's just going through a phase.

Do you think Jack can tell me what a person from Corsica is called?

Corsican

Interviewer to Pelè: Do you think Barzil's 1970 team can beat today's Argentina?

Pelè: Yes.

Interviewer: By how much?

Pelè: 1:0

Interviewer: That's it?

Pelè: Well, most of us are over 75 now...

Do you think Germans can count past eight?

Nein

What do you think of my wife?

A man was having a conversation with his friend about his wife.

He asks his friend, "What do you think of my wife?"

His friend, knowing the wife very well responds, "I think she's a pedestrian."

The man, confused, asks his friend, "What do you mean?"

He answers, "She belo...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.