UPJOKE

Do You Know What Jokes

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

Do you know what LGBTQ stands for?

Every time I ask I can never get a straight answer

Hip-hop is now 50 years old. Do you know what this means?

It means hip-hop is now old enough to complain about today’s youth being corrupted by hip-hop.

Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it's only Wednesday

Do you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. I'm German and my engineering is perfect.

Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is?

Mass over volume.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

Do you know what Gaslighting is?

You should, we talked about this last week.

Do you know what Mexicans think about Trump's wall?

Who cares, they'll get over it..

Do you know what a 6.9 is?

A good thing screwed up by a period.

Do you know what China is famous for?

\[REDACTED\]

Do you know what DNA is an acronym for?

The National Dyslexia Association

Do you know what a robot does on one night stand?

Nuts and bolts.

3/15 is The Ides of March. Do you know what time it officially starts?

“At two”

.
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If ya love Shakespeare then ya love a groaner. Enjoy!

I said to the musician do you know what time it is please?

He said its 5/4

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what the generic name for Viagra is?

Mycoxafloppin

Do you know what you call your parents if they were related?

Incestors.

Do you know what my grandpa told me?

That he saw the Titanic and from the beginning,he warned all the people that the ship would sink but nobody listened to him.

He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned them again and again on several occasions…>!until they kicked him out of the cinema.!<

Do you know what’s in trail mix?

It’s nuts, man…

Do you know what the hardest part about being a vegan is?

Keeping it to yourself.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what happens when you put your penis in the vacuum cleaner?

The Walmart security guard throws you out.

Do you know what happened to the UPS driver who had an abortion?

She didn’t deliver.

Do you know what happens when your designer jeans get tangled in the dryer?

Guess knot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?" Me: "Can't say I do."

Therapist: "That's one of them!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what the poop deck is?

It's a piece of ship

My dad asked me, “Do you know what I love about the book War and Peace?”

Me: Not really.

Dad: Well, it’s a long story.

Do you know what I hate most about memory loss?

I forgot

Do you know what they call someone who graduates at the bottom of their class at medical school?

Doctor

Do you know what today is?

I told my boss with a giant smile.
He rolled his eyes and said "It's 4/20."
"4/20! Hell yeah!" I yelled.
As I started to walk away, he said "Wait, don't you know what tomorrow is though?"
Puzzled I said "No?"
"Random drug test day." He said back.

do you know what are the most chatty shoes?

The converse.

One step.. two step.. three step.. four step.. five step.. six step.. do you know what this is?

Stairway to Seven.



That was a dumb joke, but it was the first thing that popped in my head this morning.

Jesus opened a brewery. Do you know what he called it??

HeBrew

Do you know what a male concubine is called?

A concubone

Do you know what a Trumpkin is?

It's orange on the outside, hollow on the inside, and needs to be thrown out in November.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We were looking up at the sky and my astronomer friend said, “Do you know what a white dwarf is?”

Me: Yes. I think his name is Peter Dinklage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”

“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!”

“-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”

"Son, do you know what the opposite of ladyfingers is?"

"No dad," I say rolling my eyes.

"Mentos."

Do you know what French people smoke?

Oui’d.

Do you know what is a rip off?

Velcro!

Do you know what to do if an epileptic has an attack in bath?

Quickly add your laundry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what the difference between hoarding and collecting is?

Presentation

Do you know what 50 Cent did when he got hungry?

58

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what happens if you scream "Bloody Mary" 3 times in the mirror, at 3am?

Your mom will tell you to shut the fuck up and go to bed.

Do you know what two words can wreck a man's life?

I do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what happens when you fuck a tv

pretty shocking results

Do you know what is gross ?

Having 144 of something

Do you know what's the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain?

No?

SO IT WAS YOU!!!

Do you know what grinds my gears?

Do you know what grinds my gears? I have to read the aforementioned title twice for most jokes.

Do you know what's the most important thing in a relationship?

Trust! Because if you don't trust your girlfriend, how do you know she's not gonna tell your wife?

Do you know what your momma and a vacuum cleaner have in common?

Turn them on and they'll suck.

Do you know what you get when you tie two Communist table napkins together?

A Serviette Union

Do you know what happens if we put human DNA in chimapanzees?

We get banned from the zoo.

Do You Know What Would Make Pi Day Better?

Cake.

A Republican walks up to a Democratic with a face mask and say, “do you know what I say to sheep like you?...

Whatever the Republican Party tells me too say.”

Do you know what collapses faster than my life?

the Afghanistan government

Do you know what Irish City is seeing the biggest population growth?

It is their capital. It is Dublin (doubling)...

Do you know what grade sherlock Holmes was in when he solved his first case?

Elementary my dear!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that 80% of people masturbate while in the shower, and the other 20% whistle or sing the same song? Do you know what the name of the song is?

Well I guess I know what you’re doing in the shower!

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

Do you know what cannibal tribes have said about the taste of human flesh?

It’s an acquired taste that varies person to person.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what moth balls smell like?

How'd you get it's little legs apart?

Do you know what SCUBA stands for?

Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

Do you know what TUBA stands for?

Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

Do you know what type of jokes Orthopedic Surgeons like?

Humerus ones!

Do you know what kind of bra is my favourite kind of bra?

The one on the floor!
I'm kidding, I'm kidding, it's the type of bra that only serves dyslexic people.

My own dyslexic joke!
\#OC

Do you know what game non-vaccinated kids play?

Marco Polio.

Do you know what you can hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.

Do you know what the reward is for the knight that wins the jousting tournament?

I can't tell you - it's a sirprize.

Do you know what always catches my eye?

Short people with umbrellas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what Christians, Hindus and Muslims agree on?

Chicken are Fucking delicious.

The skin on your elbow is colloquially called the Wenis, but do you know what surrounds the Wenis?

Moreskin

Do you know what square roots of negative numebrs and your girlfriend have in common?

They're both imaginary.

Teacher: Do you know what estimate means

Student: Not exactly.

Teacher: Yes you are right.

Student: About what:

Teacher: Also correct.

Student: I guess...

Teacher: Indeed.






I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO END IT OFF I'M SORRY

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

S. Holmes: Do you know what constipated means Watson?

Watson: No shit, Sherlock?

(Credit: Mark Normand)

Do you know what Miles Davis is called in Europe?

1.60934 Kilometers Davis



joke courtesy of Stephen Wright

Do you know what worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles in your pants

Do you know what is actually NSFW?

My deadbeat unemployed dad.

Not suitable for work? Yeah, all the companies he got fired from think so.

Do you know what fish get high on...

Seaweed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what 80 year old vagina tastes like?

Depends

Do you know what the last thing my grandfather said to me was before he kicked the bucket?

“Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what causes autism?

No you don't. Neither does a fucking antivaxxer!

Do you know whats the best thing about dating homeless girls?

The fact that you can drop them off anywhere you want

Do you know what today is?

10-4 good buddy.

The joke is only good once a year so I might as well post it.

Do you know what my uncle got for surviving the mustard gas and pepper spray attacks?

He got the seasoned veteran award.

I asked my friend what the sequel to E T would be called, and do you know what he said??

F U

Do you know what a will is?

You don't?! Come on, it's a dead giveaway!

Do you know what animals give you?

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Do you know whats better than 69?

88...because you get 8 twice

Do you know what’s at stake for the tired dragon?

Flaming yawn.

Do you know what's total destruction?

When leper gets an epileptic seizure

Ques.) Do you know what comes after USA?

Ans.) USB

Do you know what we would call ‘COVID-19’ if the first ten thousand people killed were politicians?

A good start.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what happens if you eat gold?

Au shit

I just dropped my biro into a vat of acid. Do you know what happens when you drop a biro into a vat of acid?

Well, it de-pens.

Do you know what's the worse part of being a paranoid schizophrenic?

Who the hell is asking? Why do you want to know? Leave me alone! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhh!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

90% of women masturbate in the shower, the other 10% sing. And do you know what they sing?

(shrugs)

Then you must be one of the ones who masturbates!

Do you know what country is first place?

Finland. They are already at the Finnish line

Sometimes you might feel like there is no one there for you, but do you know whats always there for you?

The dishes, theyre always there for you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what a Freudian slip is?

It's where you say one thing but fuck your mother.

Storks bring babies, but do you know what type of birds prevent babies?

Swallows...

Do you know what they call a bra in Germany?

Kepzemfromfloppin

Do you know what the biggest state is in the US?

DaNile it has a population of 74million.

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