UPJOKE

Do You Know Jokes

Do you know why batman doesn't have a police badge?

Because he doesn't kill people

How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallow.

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

How do you know a redditor is not a native english speaker?

They'll apologize for potential mistakes after 10 paragraphs of perfect english

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Obviously not

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


-

How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?

His son wasn’t cast in it.

How do you know you're at a Mormon wedding?

The bride isn't pregnant but her mother is

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?

They know what grams are.

Do you know what LGBTQ stands for?

Every time I ask I can never get a straight answer

How do you know a joke isn't a repost?

When it doesn't reach the front page.

Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait?

Obviously not.

gg y'all, inbox = rekt

Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

Do you know 10+10 is equal to 11+11?

10+10 is twenty, 11+11 is twenty two

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How do you know Dave?

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?”

“Sir, do you mean a choir?”

“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”

How do you know a redditor has left a hotel?

Username checks out

Everyone knows why 6 was afraid of 7, but do you know why 10 was scared?

10 was in the middle of 9 11.

Hip-hop is now 50 years old. Do you know what this means?

It means hip-hop is now old enough to complain about today’s youth being corrupted by hip-hop.

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.

(Old joke, I know, just heard it though, made me laugh.)

Do you know the Football player whose missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.



(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X)

Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it's only Wednesday

How do you know aliens are not vegan?

Because they haven't contacted us to say it.

Do you know why I don't do threesomes?

Because if i wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.

Do you know how to make $20B in the Tech business?

Start with $44B

How do you know that a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

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Do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands ...

Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is?

Mass over volume.

Do you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. I'm German and my engineering is perfect.

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why Ms. Pac-man is considered the greatest prostitute of all time?

Because for 25 cents she'll eat balls until she dies!

Do you know the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket?

“How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

"Dad, how do you know if someone is an alcoholic?"

Dad: "You see those cars over there son? An alcoholic would see eight instead of four. "

"Dad, there's just two cars."

A small town lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a 80 year old woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Singh, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Kulkarni. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not kn...

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You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's?

Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

Do you know why I don't make fat jokes?

Because they wouldn't be appreciated by the wider audience.

How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh , give a weigh, give it a weigh now.

Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are really good at it.

You know Murphy's Law. It's "If something can go wrong, it will", but do you know Cole's law? It's...

shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.

Do you know what Mexicans think about Trump's wall?

Who cares, they'll get over it..

Do you know what Gaslighting is?

You should, we talked about this last week.

Do you know any words that end in AT?

Man 2: Gnat does.
Man 1: what does?
Man 2: yeah, what ends in AT.

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Do you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

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Do you know how to have sex?

Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away. Later, she told her husband of the ...

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

How do you know if a trans man is ticklish?

You give him a couple test tickles.

In France, do you know why they only eat one egg at breakfast time?

Because one egg is enough

Do you know what a 6.9 is?

A good thing screwed up by a period.

Do you know why women fart after they pee?

They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.

Do you know what China is famous for?

\[REDACTED\]

Do you know which countries don’t shut down like the USA does when they can’t approve their budget?

The other 195.

How do you know a mechanic has a girlfriend?

He has two clean fingers

Do you know what DNA is an acronym for?

The National Dyslexia Association

Do you know why hurricanes are just like women?

Because when they come they’re wet and wild and when they leave they take your dog and house with them.

Do you know what a robot does on one night stand?

Nuts and bolts.

Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why God invented yeast infections?

So women could know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt too.

3/15 is The Ides of March. Do you know what time it officially starts?

“At two”

.
.

If ya love Shakespeare then ya love a groaner. Enjoy!

Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars?

Me: well of course I know him, he is me

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Do you know why Oppenheimer bombed in japan?

They had already seen it

You know about Schrodinger's cat, but do you know about Cauchy's dog?

It left a residue at every pole.

Do you know why Indiana Jones never got married?

Bad dates

Do you know why Peter Pan is always flying ?

Because he never lands.

Do you know the oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve?

It was an apple, with very limited memory, one byte and everything crashed!

I said to the musician do you know what time it is please?

He said its 5/4

Do you know how to identify a Dogwood tree?

The BARK!

How do you know when a bass player and drummer are at your front door?

The knocking is out of time and they don't know when to come in.

Do you know why more vaccinated than unvaccinated children have autism?

Because you have to be alive to be autistic

Boss: Do you know why I called you in here?

Me: Because I accidentally sent you a dic pic

Boss: (Stops pouring 2 glasses of wine)
Accidentally?

credit u/zarina300

Do you know anyone selling body parts?

I'd like to buy a bowel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what the generic name for Viagra is?

Mycoxafloppin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do I Know You?

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me? To which she
replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids! Now his mind travels back to the o...

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Do you know who i am?

Boy: Our principal is so stupid.

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No

Girl: I'm the principal's daughter.

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No

Boy: Good (*walks away)

How do you know a gold prospector is non-binary?

He says that there is gold in them/their hills

Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?

Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy

Cop: there's a man in your trunk

Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at the bar in the International Airport when a small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts, like Kung-Fu, or Karate?" He says "No, why in the hell would you ask? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

How do you know if you have bad acne?

You fall asleep in the library, and when you wake up, a blind man is reading your face

Do you know what you call your parents if they were related?

Incestors.

How do you know when there’s a banjo player at the front door?

He’s got the wrong key and he doesn’t know when to come in.

How do you know when a gnat farts?

It flies in a straight line.

How do you know if a female bartender hates you?

There is a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary!

How do you know you’re eating dinner with a nerd?

They ordered their steak, “uncommon”

I asked my son, “Do you know what I surrender means?”

Him: I give up.

Me: Why? That wasn’t a hard question.

Do you know why the duck went to narcotics anonymous?

He had a quack addiction.

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

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Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

How do you know if a Scot is wearing underwear or not?

Check for dandruff on the shoes.

Do you know what my grandpa told me?

That he saw the Titanic and from the beginning,he warned all the people that the ship would sink but nobody listened to him.

He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned them again and again on several occasions…>!until they kicked him out of the cinema.!<

How do you know when a blonde has been using a vibrator?

Her teeth are chipped

Do you know where Charlie the tuna is now?

In a home for battered fish.

Do you know what’s in trail mix?

It’s nuts, man…

Do you know what the hardest part about being a vegan is?

Keeping it to yourself.....

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Do you know what happens when you put your penis in the vacuum cleaner?

The Walmart security guard throws you out.

How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

If she's only wearing one sock.

(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.)

Do you know the Pistorious drinking game?

Every time your girlfriend comes into the room you take four shots.

Do you know how many times I've stuck my fingers together when using glue?

*hold your hand up, but keep your fingers together*

This many times!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?" Me: "Can't say I do."

Therapist: "That's one of them!"

Do you know how fuel efficient a pirate ship is?

It can get 40 miles to the galleon

How do you know a girl likes you?

If she gives you a handy, you know she likes you. Especially if she uses the proper handy motion.

How do you know a girl loves you?

She'll give you another handy!

Because what's love but a second handy motion?

Sorry, Tina Turner was just on the radio.

Do you know how can I remove this stain from my dress?

- Come again?
- No, this time is red wine…

Do you know how to confuse a coal miner?

Show him a row of shovels and tell him to take his pick.

How do you know you hate your job?

When your coffee is so strong it shows up in a drug test.

Do you know why they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] How do you know when your woman is having an orgasm?

When you see my truck in your driveway

How do you know if someone is an alcoholic?

Tell them you’ve got a joke: “How do you know when it’s time to stop drinking”? If they say “I don’t know”, then they’re an alcoholic.

Do you know why the people who live in Phoenix can’t be buried there?

Because they are still alive!

I said to my tailor, "Do you know how to make a pair of trousers last?"

He said, "Sure - make the jacket first."

Do you know why Ducks have big flat feet?

So they can stomp out forest fires.

Do you know why elephants have big flat feet?

So they can stomp out flaming Ducks.

Do you know the story of the boy named Bonnie?

There once was a boy named Bonnie who was constantly harassed for his goofy name. He thought he was doomed to never find love because of it, but one day, he met a beautiful girl who didn't care, and they fell in love, got married, and had a child, a beautiful baby girl. But Bonnie was worried. "What...

Do you know why Jewish men are circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's ten percent off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know the story about the salmon in the mountain lake?

Imagine. A snow topped mountain, evergreen forests, clear blue skies, a beautiful lake reflecting the light of the sun.



Well in that lake, there was a salmon. Above the salmon a fly was buzzing around.


The salmon thinks: "if that fly flies ten centimeters lower, I can catc...

Do you know why there's no gambling in Africa?

Because there are too many cheetahs.

When do you know if you have perfect pitch?

When you pitch an accordion into a dumpster and it perfectly smashes a banjo.

Do you know why women are good at ventriloquism?

Because they have two sets of lips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?

When she can't find her pencil and there is a tampon behind her ear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

How do you know that someone is a dad

If number of bananas finished is higher than number of bananas started

Do you know what happened to the UPS driver who had an abortion?

She didn’t deliver.

Do you know what happens when your designer jeans get tangled in the dryer?

Guess knot

Do you know why they called him Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader never would have worked.

Do You know why there's religious holidays but no scientific holidays?

Because science always works

Do you know why Indian sandwich shops keep opening?

Because there is always a New Delhi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what the poop deck is?

It's a piece of ship

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know a stripper is on drugs?

You can see her crack.

My dad asked me, “Do you know what I love about the book War and Peace?”

Me: Not really.

Dad: Well, it’s a long story.

How do you know that the speed of light is much faster than the speed of sound?

Because some people appear bright until they open their mouth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know if your dog is gay?

His dick tastes like dogshit

Do you know why the sea is salty?

It's because land never waved back

How do you know if a duck is a soul singer?

Throw it in the microwave and see if it's Bill Withers

A cop pulled me over and asked "Do you know why I pulled you over?'

I Said "if you already forgot, I'm not gonna tell you"

Do you know why cows have hooves?

Because they lactose...

A cop stops a motorist. "Sir, you were playing a trombone while driving. Do you know how dangerous that is?!"

"No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it."

How do you know Jefferey Dahmer was a pretty normal guy?

He was having a friend for dinner when he was arrested.

Do you know the biggest difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Do you know the difference between a Blowjob and a ham sandwich?"

"No why?"

"Perfect, let's go to lunch"

Do you know what I hate most about memory loss?

I forgot

Do you know what make me cross?

When the signal changes to a person walking.

Do you know how you can tell Monopoly's an old game?

...it has a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why men are smarter while having sex?

Because they are plugged into a genius

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