UPJOKE

Do You Have Jokes

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Do you have a Vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.

He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same ...

“Father, do you have anything to declare?”

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate i...

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?

Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”

He said, “Of course. Which one?”

I said, “William.”

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

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A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

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[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”

“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man

“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”

“Well, what about your patch eye?”

“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the ...

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My mate down the pub asked me last night “why do you have so many sex noises saved to your phone?”

I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."

He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"

I replied, "No, I work in a morgue''.

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

I went on a job interview, Interviewer asks, Do you have any experience?

Me: Yes, of course, "This is my 20th interview"

A Man walks into a pet shop and asks the owner "Do you have any chameleons?"

(Looks around) No idea mate.

Boebert asked her coworker, "Do you have any kids?" "Yes," she replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

Then Boebert said, "I might be stupid, but I know how many one is."

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Do you have a pen?

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass. She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.” I looked at her said, ”Have you got a pen.” She said, “I sure do." I said, “ Well, you better get b...

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If you have a donkey and I have a rooster and your donkey eats the feet off my rooster what do you have?

Two feet of my cock in your ass?

A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."

The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"

The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."

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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

If you have have a small green ball in one hand and another small green ball in the other, what do you have?

Kermit the Frog's full attention.

What do you have when Dolly Parton is doing the backstroke?

Islands in the stream.

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

**Big hands.**

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

What do you have when you have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?

A hundred sows ‘n bucks.

What kind of ceremony do you have for a catholic stoner who died?

Wake & Bake

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I was rolling a cigarette when a guy came up to me and asked me " Do you have a filter?"

"Well, my fat cunt of a wife says i really need to get one", i replied.

Restaurant hostess: Do you have reservations?

RestaurMe: No, I’m confident I want to eat here.

What do you have after the hardest class in school?

The aftermath.

What do you have when life gives you melons?

Dyslexia.

What do you have if you have NaCl and NiCd?

A salt and battery.

I asked my Asian friend, “Why do you have to always get A’s in class?”

He said, “An Asian without an A is a sin.”

I asked the pharmacist, “Do you have any medicine for pain?”

Pharmacist: Of course. Where exactly?

Me: How would I know? It’s your pharmacy.

Why do you have to be careful when trees start dropping feathers instead of leaves?

It could be your down-fall

What do you have when you have 16 copies of the Wizard of Oz?

The Wizard of Lb.

I went to an English pharmacy and asked the guy, “Do you have anything for dry skin?”

Pharmacist: Aloe.

Me: Uhh. Hi. Do you have anything for dry skin?

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Engli...

Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?

"Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"

"No- wait, Dracula?"

"Yes!"

"You're vampires?"

"Yes. We have pamphlets."

"Vampires have missionaries?"

"Where else would new vampires come from?"

"I assumed you bit people."

"There are many h...

What do you have if you eat 3.14 cakes

No self control

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How do you have sex with a redditor?

Tell her to spreddit.

She won't regreddit.

Do you have seasonal depression?

Or are you just feeling a little under the weather?

Do you have any Outgoing Mail?

No. It's all Stationary.

Someone asked me "why do you have a miniature guillotine?"

It's for when I'm in the mood for a little head

Why do you have to wait while at the gym

because you get buffer

Why do you have to deport sick birds of prey?

Why do you have to deport sick birds of prey?

>!it might be an illeagle!<

Do you have any Sodium Hydrobromide?

Or NaHBrO?

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Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

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Do you have any special skills?

The interviewer asked if the applicant had any special skills. The applicant responded that they had been practicing day and night to become the best masturbator.

The interviewer was flabbergasted…and not knowing what to say….said “how is that a skill that is useful”.

The applicant rep...

True story: Wife asked the 7yo, "Do you have any girlfriends at school?"

7yo, "No, just 'personal complications'."

How do you have a serious conversation with a stoner?

You have to be very blunt with them.

[corny joke alert]

Do you have brain cancer?

Just stop having brain cancer! It's all in your head!

Blonde: "Do you have any children?"

Me: "Yes, I have one, thats just under 2."

Blonde: " I may be blonde, but I do know how many 1 is."

Teacher: Johnny do you have a fairy godmother?

Johnny: No, but we have an uncle we keep a close eye on.

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An elephant asked a camel, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel was stunned for a second and then replied, “That’s a good question, especially coming from a freak who has his penis on his face!"

Girl, do you have 67 protons?

Cuz you a Ho

What do you have if you're intolerant to cheese?

You have allercheese.

If you have a six pack and get shot four times in the stomach, what do you have?

A Tupac

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How do you have nasal sex?

Fuck knows

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Do you have a PSP?

If so you have a Pretty Small Penis.

You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?

Diabetes

If I have 10 cookies and you take 5, what do you have?

A broken hand.

"Do you have elections in China?"

"Yes, evely molning!"

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How many prostitutes do you have to kill until someone notices?

I'm not sure yet.

Why do you have to use email to communicate with a flat earther?

You can't reach them with fax.

Do you have a favorite material? Mines Limestone...

But a lot of people take it for granite

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Do you have an Oedipus complex

Because you seem like a real motherfucker

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Do you have any broccoli?

A lady walks into a grocery store and goes to the produce isle. She frantically looks around for broccoli, but to no avail. She finds a stock employee, and goes to him and asks, "Do you have any broccoli? " the employee replies "sorry ma'am, I don't believe we do right now."

she accepts this...

I went to the library and asked "Do you have a book about pantomimes"?

'It's behind you' said the librarian

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

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Do you have the Lady Gaga Oreos?

Customer: Excuse me, do you have new Lady Gaga Oreos?

Employee: I'm sorry, we only have the Cardi B ones.

Customer: What's that like?

Employee: Soggy. It's a wet-ass cookie.

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shop keepers heart melts.

He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there..?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, ...

"Do you have a date for Valentines Day?"

I said, "Yep!! It's February 14th."

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