UPJOKE

Do You Have Any Jokes

I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”

He said, “Of course. Which one?”

I said, “William.”

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

I went on a job interview, Interviewer asks, Do you have any experience?

Me: Yes, of course, "This is my 20th interview"

A Man walks into a pet shop and asks the owner "Do you have any chameleons?"

(Looks around) No idea mate.

A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?"

The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

Boebert asked her coworker, "Do you have any kids?" "Yes," she replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

Then Boebert said, "I might be stupid, but I know how many one is."

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

I asked the pharmacist, “Do you have any medicine for pain?”

Pharmacist: Of course. Where exactly?

Me: How would I know? It’s your pharmacy.

Do you have any Sodium Hydrobromide?

Or NaHBrO?

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Do you have any special skills?

The interviewer asked if the applicant had any special skills. The applicant responded that they had been practicing day and night to become the best masturbator.

The interviewer was flabbergasted…and not knowing what to say….said “how is that a skill that is useful”.

The applicant rep...

True story: Wife asked the 7yo, "Do you have any girlfriends at school?"

7yo, "No, just 'personal complications'."

Blonde: "Do you have any children?"

Me: "Yes, I have one, thats just under 2."

Blonde: " I may be blonde, but I do know how many 1 is."

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Do you have any broccoli?

A lady walks into a grocery store and goes to the produce isle. She frantically looks around for broccoli, but to no avail. She finds a stock employee, and goes to him and asks, "Do you have any broccoli? " the employee replies "sorry ma'am, I don't believe we do right now."

she accepts this...

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shop keepers heart melts.

He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there..?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, ...

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Do you have any to speak of?

So, there was once a man named Frank who lived in South Florida, and his life was virtually ideal. He had a beautiful wife and two kids, lived in a very nice home on the intracoastal waterway, and had a very successful yacht sales business. However, he had one problem that had plagued him his whole ...

Waitress: Do you have any questions about the menu?

Me: What font is this?

I was going through airport security and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?"

Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the right answer.

An exasperated and weary Joseph asked the innkeeper, "Do you have any rooms?"

The innkeeper shook his head and replied, "No, we're all full."

Joseph pleaded, "Listen, my wife is pregnant..."

The innkeeper retorted, "Hey, that's not my fault!"

Joseph shouted, "It's not mine, either!!"

/r/jokes, I have a belief that EVERYTHING bad or upsetting can be improved with humor. Do you have any chemotherapy jokes for me?

I am a 15yo guy, she is a 17yo girl who has a nonsmokers lung cancer. Any positive or uplifting jokes will be appreciated.

A man checked his office email on Monday morning. He saw an email from this co-worker that said "Do you have any naked pictures of your wife"? Angry, he replied” I certainly do not!"

A short while later he got a second email "Want to buy some"?

Priest: Do you have any idea who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: Don’t make this about you.

Do you have any experience with debate?

Why yes I use debate to catch the fish

I was stopped at the border by a guard who asked me "do you have any weapons?"

I said, "what do you need?"

do you have any sodium hypobromite?

NaBrO

I walked into the store and asked "do you have any helicopter flavoured chips?"

The cashier says "no , we just have plain".

Interviewer: Do you have any weaknesses?

Me: yea, I like to point out other people’s mistakes. By the way, that’s a stupid interview question.

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.

“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”

"Do you have any experience with child care?"

"Yes - I just quit my job at the White House."

A photon is at the customs window when the agent asks: "Do you have any luggage to declare?"

The photon answers: "No, I'm traveling light."

The capital police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the congressional riot?" The officer responded, "I'd like to question the senator wearing high heels and a spandex leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

I brought my car to a mechanic and asked him, “Do you have any idea why my car is humming?”

He replied, “Probably because it doesn’t know all the lyrics.”

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Do you have any helicopter flavored chips?"

The Bartender says "No, we only have plane"

Do you have any idea how heavy a chili pepper is?

Why don't you go ahead and give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

AskJokes: Do you have any classy "yo mamma" jokes?

Would be nice if you guys could help out:

http://www.reddit.com/r/yomamma

Here's something to warm you up:

Yo mama so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

A man in a job interview is asked "Do you have any experience?"

A man in a job interview is asked

Interviewer: "Do you have any experience?"

Man "I was a woodcutter in Sahara."

Interviewer: "But Sahara is a desert."

Man: "It is a desert now."

Interviewer: "The job is yours."

A Blonde on a date, asked the guy, do you have any children? Guy replies, yes I have one that is just under two.

She says, I maybe blonde but I know how many one is!

A guy walks into a Kinkos and asks, "Do you have any colored printers?"

To which the clerk responds, "It's 2016 man. You can use any printer you want."

In a library: "Excuse me, do you have any books about paranoia?"

"They are right behind your back."

A British tourist visits Australia. The customs officer asks him “do you have any criminal history?”

The tourist replies, “I didn’t know that was still required!”

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After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

The doctor could not find any explanation for this.

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'E...

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?"

Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

I walked into a pet shop and said, "Excuse me, do you have any blenders?"

The man said "yes" and handed me a chameleon.

A vulture goes to the airport and the agent says, Do you have any bags to check?

The vulture says: No, just this carrion.

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked "do you have any luggage, Sir?"

The photon replies "no, I'm travelling light"

A man walks into a chip shop with a fish under his arm and asks "Do you have any fish cakes?"

"No," replies the owner "we've sold out."
"That's a shame," says the man "it's his birthday."

A man and his girlfriend died in a car accident and meets Peter at the Pearly Gates

Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?"

To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?"

Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer."

Left...

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A man walks into a library and asked the librarian "do you have any books for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says
"I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one."

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.
Adam: Pretty good, I guess.
God: You seem to be holding back. Do you have any questions?
Adam: Well, why did you make her so much more beautiful than me?
God: So you would enjoy looking at her.
Adam: And why did you mak...

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Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."*

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, *"Do you have any Rye...

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A man meets a beautiful, really sexy girl.

He really wants her. So he invites her to a movie, and she tells him:

\- Listen, if it's sex you're after, then there is no need to get me dinners, movie evenings and all that. Just buy me a good Swiss Army knife.

The guy thinks. It's true, he's not interested in something long-term, s...

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Last night my date asked me, "So, do you have any guilty pleasures? Don't be shy, you can tell me!"..........

Last night my date asked me, "So, do you have any guilty pleasures? Don't be shy, you can tell me!"

I hesitated for a bit then said, "Well, sometimes when I'm masturbating I like to stick my thumb up my arse. If I'm feeling really kinky I use my whole fist. How about you?"

She repl...

A sophisticated-looking lady was returning by plane from Switzerland

She talked to the Father sitting next to her, "Excuse me, Father, may I ask you a favor?"


The priest replied, "Of course, my child, what can I do for you?"


The woman explained, "Here's my problem: I bought myself a new epilator and paid quite a lot of money for it. I thin...

My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer. ‘But it’s onl...

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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

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The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
...

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

Redneck Divorce

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you...

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

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A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her

He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would ha...

A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist...

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in ...

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An Arab man is wandering lost through the desert

An Arab man is wandering lost through the Sahara. He sees a man in the distance and struggles to get there hoping it's not a mirage. He finally arrives and sees a nice Jewish man with a table of ties.

"Please, I've been lost for hours and so incredibly thirsty, do you have any water?". The Je...

A homeless man is on the street corner begging for money

A wealthy lawyer walks past him. "Pardon me, sir, but do you have any spare change?"

The lawyer looks annoyed, and turns to him. "No, no I don't. I don't believe in giving handouts to bums. But I tell you what," he said, handing him a business card, "if you come to my house tomorrow morni...

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How do I keep her awake?

A man went into work one day and asked his best friend for advice on a “personal matter.”

“Every time me and my wife are 69ing; she always tends to fall asleep. Do you have any ideas how I can stop this from happening?”

His friend surprised says “I used to have the exact same problem!...

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St...

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An elderly woman goes to the doctor for a check up. NSFW

The old woman enters the doctors room and the doctor asks her to sit on the table so he can examine her. He starts by testing her reflexes.

The doctor takes out his reflex hammer and taps on one knee. The elderly woman gasps but her leg doesn't jerk. Concerned the doctor hits the other knee,...

A gentleman walks into a store tells the sales associate “I need an anniversary gift. Do you have any perfume?” Lady shows him a bottle, he asks “how much?” She replies “$50”. He asks for a cheaper bottle. She shows him another bottle. “How much?”, “$20” she replied. He asks again “anything cheaper?

She shows him a mirror.

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

A couple was going to get married…

but unfortunately they had a car crash and died. Before the gates of St Peter they stood thinking maybe they could get married in heaven. So they ask St Peter, and Peter says ”Well it’s quite rare, but let me see what I can do.” So St Peter goes into heaven. As the couple sits for a couple of months...

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