UPJOKE

Did You Know That Jokes

did you know that Ukraine has no Walmarts?

only targets.

Did you know that you can't run through a campground?

You can only ran... cause it's past tents

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, but he is

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read that in a medical journal on page 64, at 2:34pm on Friday 15th of August, 2021.

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

Did you know that if you rearrange the letters of "Postmen"

They get really angry

Did you know that Iceland...

...is only one sea away from Ireland?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that pigeons die after having sex?

Well the one I fucked did.

Did you know that 20 pirahnas can demolish a small child down to the bone in under 30 seconds?

In other news, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

(My nephew told me this joke yesterday, totally deadpan! Thought it was worth sharing!)

A joke from my 8 year old......Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?

10+10=twenty
11+11=twenty too

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says, "You must be single." The man answered, “Wow, how did you know that?”

The cashier replied, “Because you’re ugly.”

Did you know that the invention of the shovel was...

Ground breaking.

Did you know that koi fish will travel in groups of 4 for safety?

>!When in danger, kois A, B, and C will flee and escape, leaving behind the Decoy.!<

Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid?

Luckily im in the other 5%

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that communists don't have orgasms?

they have ourgasms

Did you know that William Shatner once tried to start up his own line of lingerie for women?

Unfortunately for him, Shatner Panties was a terrible brand name.

Did you know that Milk is the fastest liquid on earth?

It's pasteurized before you even see it.

Did you know that every zodiac sign has different hair?

Well, besides cancer.

Did you know that 'Muffins' spelt backwards...

...is what you do, when you take them out of the oven ?

Call me a nutter, a conspiracy theorist or as mad as a hatter, but did you know that if you take the first two letters from the title of every Harry Potter book, it spells out a secret message?!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?

It’s eel-eagle.

Did you know that Captain Kirk had 3 ears?

A left ear, right ear and the final front ear.

Did you know that the state vegetable and official state pastime of Alabama are the same thing?

Pumpkin

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

Did you know that when you shoot different guns the smoke smells different?

For example a pistol won’t have a strong smell since it’s tiny.
An Assault rifle would smell like a lot of gun powder for how fast the bullets come out.
And apparently shotguns smell like teen spirit

Did you know that cows are actually aliens?

They come from the mooooooon

Did you know that if you play Nickelback backwards you can hear the devil?

But what's even worse is that if you play it forwards you can hear Nickelback

Did you know that they don’t serve Thanksgiving leftovers at rehab?

People there are trying to quit cold turkey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that penguins scream during sex?

Well, I don’t think all of them do, but the ones I cornered at the zoo sure did...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?

They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that the average ejaculation contains nearly 16,000 MB of data?

I don't know if I can stomach this information...

Did you know that some special kinds of mushrooms make people think more clearly?

That’s just some food for thought.

I asked my wife, “Did you know that there’s a fruit that gives you your entire potassium requirement for the day?”

Her: That’s bananas.

Me: I know. I was shocked too.

Fun movie fact: Did you know that the movie "Speed" featuring Keanu had no director?

Because if it had direction, then the movie would be called "Velocity"

Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans.

Did you know that the couch scene in friends marked a big turning point in the script?

It was a pivotal moment.

Did you know that the Mario Bros have a sister?

It's Amy Mario!

Did you know that Paul Walker had dandruff?

I didn’t know either, until I saw his Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.

Did you know that the original Easter took place on April 1st?

That Jesus sure knew how to pull off a prank!

Did you know that antivaxxers don't last as long in bed?

Especially if the bed is in a hospital.

Did you know that birds like hawks and falcons can commonly be found at churches?

That's because they're birds of pray.

Did you know that light travels faster than sound?

That's why some people look bright until they start talking.

Did you know that Ringo Starr (drummer for The Beatles) had two daughters?

He named them, Anna One, Anna Two.

Let's have some fun with statistics. Did you know that in Vatican, there are...

.. two Popes per square km ?

Did you know that France have started making a line of American-style cars for goats?

They're called Chevreolets

Did you know that they're rebooting the Teletubbies in South-East Asia?

At first I'd read that it was due to be set in Vietnam, but then I realised that it was a Thai Po.

Did you know that birthdays are good for your health?

It’s a scientific fact: People who have more birthdays live longer

Did you know that the vast majority of convicted criminals are married men?

It's the only way they get to finish a sentence.

Did you know that people who celebrate Ramadan can still have McDonalds?

Really - that’s because it’s fastfood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that the penis and the testicles are not the same thing?

There's actually a Vas Deferens between them.

Did you know that as Christ was getting nailed to the cross...

He actually became holier?

Did you know that Archaeopteryx ate worms?

After all, it's an early bird.

Did you know that 2 and 4 are parents?

They had six

Did you know that 69 is now 96?

With this worsening economy, it costs a lot more to eat out.

Did you know that Germany is only second best at recycling

The first place is taken by r/jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that scientists have named the core of Uranus?

It's called urectum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that there is not even one canary in the Canary Islands?

And it’s the same for the Virgin Islands…


… not one single canary!

Did you know that if you tie $100 bills to your belt...

it's a waist of money?

Did you know that Norway puts barcodes on their ships??

It’s so they can scan da navy in

Did you know that sandals were invented by a Frenchman?

His name was Philippe Filoppe.

Did you know that you don't actually need a parachute to skydive?

But you do though, if you want to skydive \*again\*.

Did you know that an airplane's propeller is only a big fan and is there to keep the pilot cool?

Don't believe me?

Turn it off, and see how much the pilot sweats!

Did you know that Mrs Doubtfire served time in prison for…

Male fraud.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that a pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes?

Well, your mom’s did last night.

Did you know that every planet in our solar system is named after a god?

Except Earth...which is named after all that stuff on the ground.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that strippers don’t have air conditioners in their homes?

Onlyfans!

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16?

Apparently, the only difference between a raven and a crow is a matter of a pinion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that there are no canary’s on the Canary Islands? Same thing applies to the Virgin Islands

There are no canaries on the Virgin Islands

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that there are 4 different kinds of orgasms?

There are the positive ones, "yes, yes, yes oh yes! "
There are the negative ones, "no, no, no oh no!"
There are the religious ones, "God, God, God, oh my God!"
And there are the fake ones, (insert name of person you're telling it to) moan (name again)

Did you know that necrophilia is legal in some places?

I wouldn't be caught dead there!

Did you know that there was a corvette known for exploding?

It was the C4

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that your ass can’t be trusted?

It’s always talking shit behind your back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that Jesus Christ was Italian?

He lived with his mother for 33 years; he thought she was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

Did you know that British serial killers can't die?

They're immoral, but with tea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that a penis can't be longer than 12 inches?

Because if it is, then it's a foot.

Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end

You'll go to prison for a very long time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that an American president gave the order to drop two atomic bobs on Japan?

It's Truman

Did you know that Tony Stark started cross dressing?

Sometimes he goes out dressed as FE male.

Did you know that 80% of Korean businessmen have caddaracts?

The other 20% drive Mercedes

Did you know that when ants are young, they have small appendages at the ends of their legs?

They lose them as they get larger, and they also begin to produce the same proteins found in milk.


They lack toes in taller ants.

Did you know that if you mix diet coke, bicarb soda, table salt and bleach together in a mop bucket....

You get yelled at by the manager of Walmart

Did you know that Eric the Red had a sister named Barb?

When they went to raid cities together, people said they were barbaric.

Did you know that the capital of Algeria is Algiers?

Algeria's capital is doubly named... but Libya's capital is tripoli

did you know that bees are allergic to pollen?

Because when they get exposed to them they develop hives

Did you know that JFK only had 2 names?

The F was added to pay respects.

Did you know that the first french fry wasn't cooked in France?

It was cooked in Greece.

Did you know that according to 911...

Choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a "bear attack."

Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that there was 4 types of orgasms?

There’s the positive orgasm, negative orgasm, holy orgasm and the fake orgasm

The positive orgasm goes “Oh yes, ohh yess”,
the negative orgasm goes “Oh no, Ohh nooo”,
the holy orgasm goes “Oh God, ohh Godd”,
The fake orgasm goes “Oh •insert friends name•, ohh •insert friends name•...

Did you know that this week is National Diarrohea Week?

It runs from today until Friday

Did you know that University of Florida was not the first school to invent a hydrating sports drink with Gatorade?

Turns out Florida State couldn't make the marketing work for Seminole Fluid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that Flemish people are consistently rated as highly attractive, but have a low average IQ?

Stupid sexy Flanders.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that the medical name for Viagra is...

Mycoxaflopin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that Einstein married his Cousin

Did you know that Einstein married his Cousin,
Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.?

At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa "because she was so well endowed".

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large mammary glands, the attraction...

Did you know that a paraplegic can't be in AA?

There's something about them having a "12 step program".

Did you know that Yoda had a last name?

It was Layheehoo

Did you know that there's actually no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

Did you know that tree branches are the best tools for catching bugs?

They're very sticky.

Did you know that when a shark has a stroke...

it can smell toast from up to fifty miles away?

Did you know that Albert Einstein was completely made up?

He’s just a theoretical physicist.

Did you know that the boomerang is Australia's biggest export?

It's also their biggest import.

Did you know that Marriage is like a Tornado?

At first there's all this sucking and blowing, then eventually you lose your house.

Did you know that 50 cent's mother was german? Every time he did something wrong, she screamed

59!

Did you know that Jesus was actually crucified for starting fires everywhere?

He died for arsons.

Fun fact: did you know that HIV is actually Roman for “high five”?

Pass it on – or, rather, don’t.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that Viagra prescriptions are given at a higher rate in nursing homes than anywhere else?

It helps the men stop rolling out of bed!

Did You Know that Diareah Problems are Hereditary

It Runs In your Jeans

(Plz excuse any spelling errors if I made some. English is my first language Im just Dumb)

Did you know that a school of hungry piranhas can eat a man's flesh in a minute?

Sadly, I also lost my job at the aquarium.

Did you know that all frogs decended from a small colony in Poland?

even now they are all born a tad-polish

Did you know that eskimos have their own lottery?

You have to be Inuit to win you it.

Did you know that ants can't contact COVID-19?

Because they have anty bodies.

Did you know that toads are just frogs that have farted too much?

Ran out of gas, had to be toad

Did you know that Helen Keller had a dog?

Neither did she.

Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014?

of course, he was, after all, his double. I’ll see myself out.

Did you know that Chewbacca's brother Pannubacca died when Princess Leia's home planet was destroyed?

Pannub, as his friends called him, had never had much luck with the ladies and was horribly shy due to his terribly crooked teeth. After years of loneliness Pannub decided to do something about his problem and flew to Leia's planet, which everyone knows was well known for their excellent orthodontis...

A Circle was talking to his other circle friends, he said did you know that our buddy circle hooked up with that lady circle? And circles asked...

Venn?

Did you know that the U.S. Constitution protects the right to wear a short-sleeved shirt?

It says "the right to bare arms shall not be infringed."

(credit to my dad for this one)

Did you know that kangaroos can jump higher than houses

This is due to the fact that kangaroos have very strong hind legs, and the fact that houses can't jump.

Did you know that Scarlett Johansson kept getting lost on the set of Black Widow?

She kept Romanoff.

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