UPJOKE

Did You Hear About The Jokes

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Did you hear about the sad life of a penis?

His whole family is nuts, his nextdoor neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him………

Did you hear about the Doctor on the United Flight?

[removed]
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Did you hear about the guy who was dyslexic and gay?

He’s still in Daniel

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
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Did you hear about the non-binary gold prospector?

They dug up a fortune in them/their hills.
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Did you hear about the penis-less man who ejaculated ?

He just came out of nowhere.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will be a pizza history.
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Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?

His name was Rick O'Shea
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Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it is race-related
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Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded ?

There was nothing left but de brie
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Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst
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Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went around killing gingers.
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Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit

Did you hear about the new Ceremony the Royal Palace Guards preform when Prince Harry is in town?

It's called, "The Changing of the Locks".
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Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.
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Did you hear about the team of mutant trans-women super-heroes?

They're called "The Ex-Men".
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Did you hear about the drummer who got a cymbal stuck in his rear?

Doc says it was a freak injury. I mean, what are the odds? Must be a Zildjian in one!
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Did you hear about the girl in the nudist colony?

Nothing looked good on her.
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Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.
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Did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero?

He is 0K now.
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Did you hear about the guy with 5 penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

Did you hear about the hipster who burned his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.
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Did you hear about the guy that tells everyone what the colors on the graph mean?

That guy’s a legend.
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Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.


I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.
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Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing.
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Did you hear about the man arrested for sexual relations with a sheep?

He's no longer on the lam.

Did you hear about the suicide bomber performing at the comedy open mic night?

He had everyone in pieces!
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Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns?

The first one had a stroke.

The second one had a stroke.

And the third one didn't touch him at all.
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Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives
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Did you hear about the masturbating guy with heart disease?

I heard he died of a stroke.

Did you hear about the mansplainer that got injured?

Apparently he fell down a manhole, but it was a well, actually.
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Did you hear about the anti masker who died?

They went scuba diving
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Did you hear about the farm hand that got fired for having sex in the herbs?

He was fucking on company thyme.

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were prime mates
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Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the 'no-bell' prize.
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Did you hear about the communist sniper?

He was an incredible marxman
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Did you hear about the crazy guy that only kills on trains?

I was told he has a loco motive.
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Did you hear about the guy who was cut in half?

At first, I thought he had left us for good, but he's all right now.
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Did you hear about the three old ladies who got flashed the other day?

One had a heart attack, another had a stroke, but the third was too offended to touch it.
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Did you hear about the blonde who tried to commit suicide?

She closed her garage door

and sat in her Tesla

while she left it running
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.
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Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

De-brie went everywhere.
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Did you hear about the cyber criminal who got away?

They ransomware.
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Did you hear about the scientist who attempted to clone himself for his own sexual pleasure?

He had done great strides towards his goal over the years. But after the most recent attempt, he finally topped himself.

Did you hear about the Anorexic Jedi?

She had to be force fed.
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Did you hear about the fella who walked into the psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear?

The doctor took one look at him and said “well I can clearly see your nuts”
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Did you hear about the judge who gave the jaywalker a very long sentence?

"Jaywalking laws require that pedestrians obey traffic control signals unless otherwise instructed by law enforcement which, in addition to traffic signals, jaywalking laws dictate how pedestrians may legally cross the street when no signals are present and though many states require that pedestrian...
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Did you hear about the mathematician who had constipation?

He had to work it out with a pencil.
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Did you hear about the reckless vampire?

He raised the stakes!
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Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space.
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Did you hear about the woman who had 100 kids?

Well she sucked at naming children, so she decided to just number them in birth order. One, Two, Three, etc. Well, one day, her and all of her children were in a tragic plane accident and the only one who survived was 90. After years of grief and growing, 90 got married and had some kids of her own....
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Did you hear about the prostitues fresh ink?

She traded tit for tat.

Did you hear about the blind mohel?

He got the sack
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Did you hear about the airline stewardess who accidentally backed into a propeller?

Disaster!
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Did you hear about the cannibalistic lion?

He swallowed his pride.
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Did you hear about the magician who made an art gallery disappear?

Now museum, now you don't.
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Did you hear about the confused homosexual?

He couldn't think straight.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field
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Did you hear about the guy that dipped his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts, huh ?

Did you hear about the elephant with herpes?

Turned out to be pachydermititis.
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Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.
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Did you hear about the guy who could ejaculate cash?

He made loads of money

Did you hear about the man with a lethal stutter?

He died of natural pauses.
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Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief?

He had loco motives.
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Did you hear about the insomniac agnostic dyslexic?

He lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school for the deaf?

Neither did they.
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Did you hear about the constipated vampire?

Doctor put him on blood thinners.
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Did you hear about the time Trump took viagra?

He just got taller

Did you hear about the nun who was caught with cannabis sewn into her robe?

She had a drug habit.
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Did you hear about the poorly-secured portapotties that fell off the flatbed?

It was a lose-loose-loos situation.
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(NSFW) Did you hear about the rapper that only raps on her period?

She has a mean flow
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Did you hear about the Jewish mother doll?

You pull the string on its back and it says, “Again with the string?”
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Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

The wedding was awful, but the reception was great!
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Did you hear about the OceanGate company that lost the Titan sub?

Apparently their business is going under.
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Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?

Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.
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Did you hear about the talking scale?

It speaks for the masses.
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Did you hear about the guy who went around murdering people with a melted clock and long-legged elephant?

He was a Surreal Killer
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Did you hear about the man who assaulted someone with a woodwind instrument?

He's a registered Sax offender
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Did you hear about the cow who spent all day every day in the gym?

It was pretty beefed up
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Did you hear about the fight between two campers?

It was in tents
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Did you hear about the agnostic scientist who had twins?

She had one of them baptised, the other one is the control.
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Did you hear about the Amish prostitute?

She was sleeping with two Mennonite

Did you hear about the new frog movie?

I hear it's ribbiting.
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Did you hear about the old Nintendo console which burned down a house?

Turns out Wii *did* start the fire.
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Did you hear about the dating app for comedians?

It's called FunnyBones
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Did you hear about the man who installed a window in his butt?

It was a pane in the ass.

Did you hear about the mathematics prof who had a problem with constipation?

He worked out his problem.

With a number 2 pencil.
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Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break?

He got fired for sleeping on the job.
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Did you hear about the guy that got fired from the Herb Farm for defecating in the field?

Yeah, he got caught shittin' on company thyme.

Did you hear about the Mexican magician who disappeared?

Uno, dos, and POOF he was gone without a tres.
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Did you hear about the cow that can’t produce milk?

They’re an udder failure.
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Did you hear about the man who was fired for Stealing potatoes?

He got the sack
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Did you hear about the two fries walking down the street?

They were a salted.
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Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel prize

He was outstanding in his field
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Did you hear about the Mexican fireman that had twins?

He named one José.

He named the other one hose B.
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Did you hear about the surgeon who branded his initials on a patient's organ?

Apparently it was an inside joke
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Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end...

But a beautiful finish
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Did you hear about the deaf accountant?

Her payments were in arrears.
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Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?

Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.
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Did you hear about the existential pirate?

Me thinks, therefore me arrrr!
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Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers and got rich?

He made a mint
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Did you hear about the new birth control pill for men?

You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.
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Did you hear about the pole vault champion of North Korea?

He’s now the pole vault champion of South Korea.
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Did you hear about the priest who got arrested?

He had the rite to remain silent
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Did you hear about the Mucinex truck that collided with a Nyquil truck on the highway?

Amazingly, the entire area was congestion-free for over 8 hours.
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Did you hear about the racist chemist?

He joined the Potassium Potassium Potassium
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Did you hear about the first time offender who was in to BDSM?

He got off with nothing but a slap on the wrist.
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Did you hear about the monkey sex addict?

His name was Kink Kong

Did you hear about the narcissistic, self-destructive, cannibal?

He was full of himself.
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Did you hear about the guy who dated Supergirl and Wonder Woman?

Turns out, he was a heroine addict
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Did you hear about the rooster that draws pictures of poop?

The cock will doodle doo.

Did you hear about the guy who drowned in the vat of beer?

He got out two times to go to the bathroom
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did you hear about the ghost ship?

i heard they were only working with a skeleton crew
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Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
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Did you hear about the three holes in the ground?

Well, well, well…
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Did you hear about the Venetian streetwalker?

She drowned.
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Did you hear about the thousands of laundry machines that were found on the beach?

They washed a shore...
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Did you hear about the baker that got arrested?

He spent a dozen weeks in custardy
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I asked my friend, “Did you hear about the book about Sherlock Holmes’ son?”

Friend: What son?

Me: No. That’s his doctor sidekick.
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Did you hear about the Israeli barista?

He brews
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Did you hear about the duck who got a nose job?

He didn't like the bill.
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Did you hear about the sandwich who went to the doctor?

He went to the mayo clinic.
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Did you hear about the baby French royal who couldn't get milk into his own mouth?

Bottle-nosed dauphin
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Did you hear about the rapper who made a killing in the stock market?

Lil' Nas Daq
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Did you hear about the snake who worked for the government?

He was a civil serpent.
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Did you hear about the poltergeist that got arrested by the DEA?

Yeah, he got busted for possession.
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