UPJOKE

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the sad life of a penis?

His whole family is nuts, his nextdoor neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him………

Did you hear about the Doctor on the United Flight?

[removed]
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who was dyslexic and gay?

He’s still in Daniel

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the non-binary gold prospector?

They dug up a fortune in them/their hills.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the penis-less man who ejaculated ?

He just came out of nowhere.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will be a pizza history.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?

His name was Rick O'Shea
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it is race-related
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded ?

There was nothing left but de brie
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went around killing gingers.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit

Did you hear about the new Ceremony the Royal Palace Guards preform when Prince Harry is in town?

It's called, "The Changing of the Locks".
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the team of mutant trans-women super-heroes?

They're called "The Ex-Men".
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the drummer who got a cymbal stuck in his rear?

Doc says it was a freak injury. I mean, what are the odds? Must be a Zildjian in one!
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the girl in the nudist colony?

Nothing looked good on her.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero?

He is 0K now.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy with 5 penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

Did you hear about the hipster who burned his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the guy that tells everyone what the colors on the graph mean?

That guy’s a legend.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.


I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the man arrested for sexual relations with a sheep?

He's no longer on the lam.

Did you hear about the suicide bomber performing at the comedy open mic night?

He had everyone in pieces!
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns?

The first one had a stroke.

The second one had a stroke.

And the third one didn't touch him at all.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the masturbating guy with heart disease?

I heard he died of a stroke.

Did you hear about the mansplainer that got injured?

Apparently he fell down a manhole, but it was a well, actually.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the anti masker who died?

They went scuba diving
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the farm hand that got fired for having sex in the herbs?

He was fucking on company thyme.

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were prime mates
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the 'no-bell' prize.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the communist sniper?

He was an incredible marxman
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the crazy guy that only kills on trains?

I was told he has a loco motive.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the guy who was cut in half?

At first, I thought he had left us for good, but he's all right now.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the three old ladies who got flashed the other day?

One had a heart attack, another had a stroke, but the third was too offended to touch it.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to commit suicide?

She closed her garage door

and sat in her Tesla

while she left it running
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

De-brie went everywhere.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the cyber criminal who got away?

They ransomware.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the scientist who attempted to clone himself for his own sexual pleasure?

He had done great strides towards his goal over the years. But after the most recent attempt, he finally topped himself.

Did you hear about the Anorexic Jedi?

She had to be force fed.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the fella who walked into the psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear?

The doctor took one look at him and said “well I can clearly see your nuts”
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the judge who gave the jaywalker a very long sentence?

"Jaywalking laws require that pedestrians obey traffic control signals unless otherwise instructed by law enforcement which, in addition to traffic signals, jaywalking laws dictate how pedestrians may legally cross the street when no signals are present and though many states require that pedestrian...
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the mathematician who had constipation?

He had to work it out with a pencil.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the reckless vampire?

He raised the stakes!
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the woman who had 100 kids?

Well she sucked at naming children, so she decided to just number them in birth order. One, Two, Three, etc. Well, one day, her and all of her children were in a tragic plane accident and the only one who survived was 90. After years of grief and growing, 90 got married and had some kids of her own....
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the prostitues fresh ink?

She traded tit for tat.

Did you hear about the blind mohel?

He got the sack
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the airline stewardess who accidentally backed into a propeller?

Disaster!
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the cannibalistic lion?

He swallowed his pride.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the magician who made an art gallery disappear?

Now museum, now you don't.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the confused homosexual?

He couldn't think straight.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy that dipped his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts, huh ?

Did you hear about the elephant with herpes?

Turned out to be pachydermititis.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who could ejaculate cash?

He made loads of money

Did you hear about the man with a lethal stutter?

He died of natural pauses.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief?

He had loco motives.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the insomniac agnostic dyslexic?

He lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school for the deaf?

Neither did they.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the constipated vampire?

Doctor put him on blood thinners.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the time Trump took viagra?

He just got taller

Did you hear about the nun who was caught with cannabis sewn into her robe?

She had a drug habit.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the poorly-secured portapotties that fell off the flatbed?

It was a lose-loose-loos situation.
upvote downvote report

(NSFW) Did you hear about the rapper that only raps on her period?

She has a mean flow
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the Jewish mother doll?

You pull the string on its back and it says, “Again with the string?”
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

The wedding was awful, but the reception was great!
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the OceanGate company that lost the Titan sub?

Apparently their business is going under.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?

Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the talking scale?

It speaks for the masses.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the guy who went around murdering people with a melted clock and long-legged elephant?

He was a Surreal Killer
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the man who assaulted someone with a woodwind instrument?

He's a registered Sax offender
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the cow who spent all day every day in the gym?

It was pretty beefed up
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the fight between two campers?

It was in tents
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the agnostic scientist who had twins?

She had one of them baptised, the other one is the control.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the Amish prostitute?

She was sleeping with two Mennonite

Did you hear about the new frog movie?

I hear it's ribbiting.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the old Nintendo console which burned down a house?

Turns out Wii *did* start the fire.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the dating app for comedians?

It's called FunnyBones
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the man who installed a window in his butt?

It was a pane in the ass.

Did you hear about the mathematics prof who had a problem with constipation?

He worked out his problem.

With a number 2 pencil.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break?

He got fired for sleeping on the job.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy that got fired from the Herb Farm for defecating in the field?

Yeah, he got caught shittin' on company thyme.

Did you hear about the Mexican magician who disappeared?

Uno, dos, and POOF he was gone without a tres.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the cow that can’t produce milk?

They’re an udder failure.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the man who was fired for Stealing potatoes?

He got the sack
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the two fries walking down the street?

They were a salted.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel prize

He was outstanding in his field
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman that had twins?

He named one José.

He named the other one hose B.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the surgeon who branded his initials on a patient's organ?

Apparently it was an inside joke
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end...

But a beautiful finish
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the deaf accountant?

Her payments were in arrears.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?

Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the existential pirate?

Me thinks, therefore me arrrr!
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers and got rich?

He made a mint
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the new birth control pill for men?

You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the pole vault champion of North Korea?

He’s now the pole vault champion of South Korea.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the priest who got arrested?

He had the rite to remain silent
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the Mucinex truck that collided with a Nyquil truck on the highway?

Amazingly, the entire area was congestion-free for over 8 hours.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the racist chemist?

He joined the Potassium Potassium Potassium
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the first time offender who was in to BDSM?

He got off with nothing but a slap on the wrist.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the monkey sex addict?

His name was Kink Kong

Did you hear about the narcissistic, self-destructive, cannibal?

He was full of himself.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the guy who dated Supergirl and Wonder Woman?

Turns out, he was a heroine addict
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the rooster that draws pictures of poop?

The cock will doodle doo.

Did you hear about the guy who drowned in the vat of beer?

He got out two times to go to the bathroom
upvote downvote report

did you hear about the ghost ship?

i heard they were only working with a skeleton crew
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the three holes in the ground?

Well, well, well…
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the Venetian streetwalker?

She drowned.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the thousands of laundry machines that were found on the beach?

They washed a shore...
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the baker that got arrested?

He spent a dozen weeks in custardy
upvote downvote report

I asked my friend, “Did you hear about the book about Sherlock Holmes’ son?”

Friend: What son?

Me: No. That’s his doctor sidekick.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the Israeli barista?

He brews
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the duck who got a nose job?

He didn't like the bill.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the sandwich who went to the doctor?

He went to the mayo clinic.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the baby French royal who couldn't get milk into his own mouth?

Bottle-nosed dauphin
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the rapper who made a killing in the stock market?

Lil' Nas Daq
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the snake who worked for the government?

He was a civil serpent.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the poltergeist that got arrested by the DEA?

Yeah, he got busted for possession.
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information