UPJOKE

Deaf Guy Jokes

A deaf guy walks into a bar

The bartender says

Did you hear the one about the deaf guy?

Neither did he.

Why can't you sue a deaf guy?

He can't go to the hearing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with a deaf guy, and later found out he's married

It was a quiet affair.

A mute guy, a deaf guy and a drunk guy walk into a bar...

The mute guy says

“What are you guys having to drink?”

The deaf guy realizes that the mute just somehow talked and asks him

“How come you just spoke if you’re mute?”

The drunk guy starts to come to his senses about the situation that the supposed deaf guy somehow heard...

A deaf guy lost a lawsuit.

He didn't even know that there was a hearing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 deaf guys walk into a bar

1 sits down and the other walks up to the bar. The deaf man says "I'd like 2 pints of bitter please" the bartender pours the pints and says to the man " that would be £16" the man says "£16 why £16" the bartender replies "that's 8 for the bitter and 8 for the music" the man asks "music what music. I...

HEY! I've got a joke. Have you heard the one about the deaf guy?

Neither did he.

A woman has two admirers.

One of them is a doctor, and the other is a deaf guy.
Every day, the doctor gives the woman a rose.
And every day, the deaf guy gives her an apple.
One day, the woman says to the the deaf guy: "Hey, that doctor gives me a rose every day, and I get the symbolism of that. But why do you give...

A blind guy, a deaf guy and a disabled guy in a wheelchair pass by a magic lake.

Just for fun, they decide to try out this supposedly miraculous lake. The blind guy stumbles in first and stays around in the water for a while, Then he comes out, bouncing with joy, saying "My sight has returned! I can see now!". The deaf guy went in right after and took a swim. He came out just as...

Why do deaf guys like upskirt??

Because they can read lips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf guy stole his neighbor's chicken

Next morning, she sees him and says "good morning"
He responds "WHAT FUCKING CHICKEN!?"

A blind guy, a deaf guy and a disable person cross a river that grants you one wish.

Blind guy: "My wish is to able to see again"

He crosses the river and he is able to see again.

Deaf guy: "I wish to get my hearing back"

His wish is granted as he crosses the river.

The disabled guy sees that the previous two wishes were granted and rushes in the river in...

What do you call two deaf guys and a blind guy

Anything you want, two don't know what's going on and the third can't find you.

What did a drunk guy say to a deaf guy who accidentally hit him with his elbow?

"Hey, watch your language!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two deaf guys stop off in a pub one night on the way home from their lip reading class.

Communicating by using their new lip reading skills one offers to buy the drinks and gives the money to the other who goes to the bar to get them.

At the bar he asks for two pints of lager which the barman puts on the bar and then says “that’ll be £15 please.”

The deaf guy looks shocke...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two lip-reading deaf guys walk into a pub.

One turns to the other and says (in a mongy deaf voice), "You go find a seat...I'll get the drinks in".
He walks up to the bar and says, "Bartender, could I please have two pints of lager?"
"Certainly," replies the barman, "That'll be £10."
"Ten pounds?" gasps the deaf guy, "That's a...

Two deaf guys...

Two deaf guys, Ed and Harry, were hanging out talking, when Ed told Harry a joke. Harry laughed so hard he broke three fingers...

Dad: Hey son, have you heard that joke with the deaf guy and a dumbass?

Son: No, what is it?

Dad: I'm sorry, what?

Son: What's the joke?

Dad: I can't hear you.

Son: I hate you.

I was playing charades with a deaf guy

Or as he called it, "having a chat".

Did you hear about the Deaf guy with Parkinson's?

His sign language was a little shaky

Did you hear about the deaf guy who could sing?

Ya, well he didn't

What do you call a deaf guy with three legs, two noses, four ears, and a unibrow?

It doesn't matter, he isn't gonna hear you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Deaf guy finds a loophole to get jerked off when his wife isn't in the mood

An old deaf couple was sitting on their couch when the wife wrote, "Honey, if you want to have sex, squeeze my left boob once. If you don't want to, squeeze my right boob twice."



The husband wrote back, "If you want to have sex, grab my dick once. If you don't, grab it a 150 times."

Did you know Trump nominated a deaf guy to the Presidential cabinet?

Congress confirmed him without a hearing.

My impression of 2 old nearly deaf guys at the park sitting on a bench together.

Old guy 1. Boy, it sure is windy.

Old guy 2. No it's not! It's Thursday!

Old guy 1. Yeah me too. Lets go get a beer.

What do you get when a deaf guy tries to talk to you at a urinal?

Wet

At a monastery

3 disabled friars are walking the grounds of the monastery. 1 blind, 1 deaf and 1 in a wheelchair. They walk past a lake and the blind one says it is a holly lake that miracles occur in. The guy in the wheelchair says let's try. The blind guy enters and when he comes out he says "what a beautiful mo...

Doctor: *panic*

Disabled guy: Stands

Blind guy: “did he just stand?”

Deaf guy: “did he just see?”

Mute guy: “did he just hear?”

A joke

A priest, a rabbi and an imam enter a bar, order a drink and finds a place to sit.
Then a construction worker, a native american and a police officer comes in and do the same thing.
And then a dane, a swede and a norwegian enters too.
Then a blind guy, a deaf guy and a mute guy.
And the...

What is logic?

A mute telling a deaf guy that a blind guy saw a paraplegic running behind a bald guy while grabbing his hair.

Karaoke night at the bar...

... they have a pianist who’s trying his best to play along with the singers and doing a fairly good job.

It goes along merry as a funeral bell till a particularly plastered and tone deaf guy takes the mic. The pianist bravely attempts to keep up, but has to give up. The drunk starts yelling ...

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