UPJOKE

Close To Me Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

Someone close to me died recently...

Shouldn't have snuck up on me like that.

I ordered a pizza from a new store close to me and it was covered in oil.

Expected Italy; got grease.

Sitting at a bar and a friend leans quite close to me as she get up to go to the washroom. Jees, Bill you smell good. What have you go on?

Actually, I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it!

I was wondering why a fire truck was in front of a theater close to me last night...

I suppose it was Catching Fire

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man walks into a bar looking annoyed and sullen. "What's the matter, son?" asks an older patron.

The young man sighs.

"I have a girlfriend who's very nice and very pretty."

"So? What's the problem?"

"Actually, she's not just pretty. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever met in my life."

"That sounds great."

"Not only that, she also adores me and wants to b...

My neighbour is in the the GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.

What’s the most underrated joke you’ve heard in a movie?

Mine is from The Hangover:

Alan: I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.

Phil: How'd he die?

Alan: World War II.

Phil: Died in battle?

Alan: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World Wa...

I visited the library the other day.

I asked the librarian where the books on paranoid delusions were kept.
She leaned in close to me and whispered,

"They're behind you!"

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