UPJOKE
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Can Do Jokes

What kind of dog can do magic?

A labracadabrador!

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Rejected porn titles. ( You can do this in the comments too. )

The grim deeper

Hole-y enlightenment

Sesame street after dark

Johnny johnny needs his sugar and milk

I think this sub can do with some more archeology jokes.

But they are hard to uncover

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done?...

Every morning I tell myself, "You have so much within you. You can do it!"

And then I sit on the toilet.

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What's the most fucked up thing you can do to a blind person?

Leave the plunger in the toilet!

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie

on a unicycle

whats something only a musician can do?

Finger A minor

When you're old, the only pole dancing you can do is....

....to hold on to the safety bar in the bathtub

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I told my wife that I can do whatever I want.

I can go out and drinking with my friends. I can smoke all my favorite cigars and attend all the football and baseball games I want. I can spend the weekend in Vegas with my buds and blow all the money in our account at the casinos.

I felt pretty good about myself, and I started walking out o...

My son asked if he can do boxing…

I said “sure knock yourself out.”

Her: "Women can do anything a man can do."

Me: "Oh yeah! Let's see you pee on the fire."

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My wife says if this post gets thousand upvotes, we can do anal.

I'm tired of the other posts. It's me in her.

I want to go to Utah so I can do acid with Mormons in a best buy looking for graphics cards

I'll call it my LSDLDSDLSS adventure

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After experiencing a dry spell in her marriage, a woman decides to see if there’s anything she can do to help her husband.

She heads to her local chemist and bravely asks the store worker if there’s anything she can buy to spice up her love life.

“Hi, can I get Viagra here?” she asks the old male pharmacist working at the local chemist.
When he confirms that they do sell Viagra she asks: “Can you get it over t...

I can do a perfect online impersonation of an extractor fan...

I used to like tractors; but I don't any more.

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Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do.

I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

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Think you can do better?

A circus came to town, places an ad for an animal trainer in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, a male and a female. The offer could be for one, so the best performer wins the job.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared because she came to the inter...

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Experts say making a child do chores can do damage.

But if you can afford a few broken dishes put the little buggers to work! It will do them good!

whenever I go to bed all I can do is stand up.

I wish I was lying.

I heard they can do brain transplants now! I was all set to do it....

...but my local doctor changed my mind.

What's the most dangerous thing a flat-earter can do?

Living life on the edge.

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Nine medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbor’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.

If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.

If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, yo...

My dad can do all the same tricks that my dog can.

Except for stay.

Can do attitude

Scientists are developing a hybrid cantaloupe/honey dew. To succeed, they’ll need to have a can dew attitude.

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Nsfw My wife said we can do anal for Valentines Day

It made my day but made her hole weak!

I heard that quitting smoking is one of the most empowering things you can do in life

I didn't want to miss out, so I took up smoking.

Guys I finally did that thing with my wife that only married couples can do!

We got our divorce!

"push push...harder.. you can do it.. little more!!" I was yelling at my pregnant wife..

But despite her best efforts,the car didn't start.

99% of people can do simple math operations.

I belong to the other 2%.

I told my girlfriend she can do anything...

...so she left me.

Murphy’s Law : “If there’s any way they can do it wrong, they will”. But Cole’s Law:

“thats just cabbage.”

I begged a judge to let me off jury duty because of my job, but he insisted that my company can do just fine without me for a few days.

But that's exactly what I don't want them to figure out.

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Lighting a firework inside of a porter potty is the most patriotic thing anyone can do.

Because in America, our history is simple: *we blow shit up.*

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I was reading some life hacks to my wife, one of them was: If you can do something in less than five minutes, don't postpone it.

Without missing a bit she replied: That was a nice try right there, wise ass.

"Your dad cant hold a candle to what my daddy can do."

"Oh Ya, what does he do?"
"Makes gun powder."

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Best joke I have heard in a few months... let's see if I can do it justice!

A guy enters a Halloween party just in his pants.

Guy 1: what are you dressed as?
Guy 2: I came as pre mature ejaculation!
Guy 1: okay? Why don't you have a shirt or shoes?
Guy 2: well, I just came in my pants!

Studies suggest that parents can do 1/3 of their kids’ math assignments

However, they struggle with the other 3/4

I'm very good at math I can do number theory, combinatorics, but I cant bring myself to do graphs

That's where I draw the line

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My penis is so small the only sex position I can do is the superposition

She never knows whether it's in or out

You are driving down a long, lonely, dark, straight stretch of road at night. What is the one thing you can do that will cause a car, bus or truck to immediately appear in the distance, heading towards you ?

Turn on your high-beam headlights. Works every time.

I can do a really bad Terminator impression!

I'll return...

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A famous magician is doing a show one night in front of a packed audience. All is going well, the people love his acts, until this one guy shouts "Aaahhh, that's bullshit! That's not magic, that's just tricks! Any idiot can do that!"

Unfazed, the magician continues, doing another one of his best acts until the same unruly guy shouts "Oh come on! Everybody knows that's just tricks, that's not real magic!"


The magician, a little rattled at this point, decides to pull out his best ever act, and cuts a guy in half on stag...

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I have a friend that can do a perfect seagull impression

He doesn't do the noise, he just takes your chips and >!shits!< on your car

Some people criticise America's current leadership, others say it can do no wrong, but there's one thing everyone can agree on.

Under the last administration, America really was an Obama-nation.

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What's the difference between a dog who can do tricks and a dog who sniffs his own butt?

One's a smart fella and the other's a fart smella.
Of course, many dogs are both...

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Best Coldwater can do

A boy went to visit his grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate.

So he says, “Grandfather, are these plates clean?” His grandfather replies, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and...

“And I can do it without hands,” said the motorcyclist

before and after the accident

"What's the most complex thing you can do in your kitchen?"

"My wife"

Every year on my birthday, I go to the track and see what I can do in the mile run. I'm proud to say that yesterday, at the age of 62, I set a new personal record!

Half a mile!

I was having trouble driving when I found a video of guy with no arms who was drifting around in a car like it was nothing. It really moved me and I decided if he can do it, so can I.

And I did do it! But there's still a part of me that misses my arms though.

What are the 3 hottest things you can do to a woman during foreplay?

1. Vacuum
2. Dishes
3. Laundry

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