UPJOKE

Bleary Eyed Jokes

A comment made in retort to my wife this morning made her laugh through the day

Not really a joke, but see if you people think its funny.

We got a young puppy atm and myself an wife usually get up at same time early each morning to sort her out. As she hasn't seen us for a few hours as she sleeps downstairs with cats, she gets excited and clingy first thing, so one of u...

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A man walks into work with a smile

Every morning, he walks in and passes the security guard with a great big grin on his face. One day, bleary eyed, the security guard asks him why he's so chipper every morning.

"Well, it's simple. Every morning when my alarm goes off, I rub my wife on the shoulder and say 'Blondie, Blondie, e...

The stormy seafarer

One stormy evening, a seafarer was thrown overboard whilst passing through the strait of Dover. As luck would have it, the ocean currents pulled him unconscious to the English coastline, where he was found and revived by a man adorned in a cape, deerstalker hat and smoking a pipe.

When coming...

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A bus full of nuns gets into a terrible accident and there are no survivors.

They arrive at the pearly gates to see a bleary eyed St. Peter sitting there with a list of all their names. "Sister Martha," he calls out. "Please come here." She comes out of the group and they begin to form a line. St. Peter continued, "You as a nun understood your vow of chastity and what that e...

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Breakfast was a very late affair that day...

and the husband and wife were fragile indeed -- badly hungover from a particularly wild party the night before. Bleary eyed, with two trembling hands holding his very black coffee, our hero said to his wife, "Was it you I had anal sex with in the garden last night?"
She struggled to bring him int...

At a bar, the Sailors and Marines are arguing about who can drink the most.

The bartender says, "Can anyone drink 10 pints in 2 minutes?"
The place goes quiet until one sailor pipes up, "I'll bet I can."
Instead of running up to the bar, he runs out the door.
A few minutes later, he's back. "Line 'em up," he yells.
The bartender pours the pints and sure enough, ...

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NSFW: Little Johnny's Grandma is visiting the family for the weekend...

After a nice dinner and chatting, everybody goes to bed; Johnny to his room, his parents to theirs, and Grandma to the guest bedroom.

In the middle of the night, Little Johnny bursts into his parents' room exclaiming,
"Mom! Dad! Grandma's got a shrimp!!"

Bleary eyed, they both wake...

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Dry cleaning (long)

So this guy meets a mate after work for a "couple" of beers, on a pomise to his wife that he wont get too drunk. That plan obviously goes out the window and after a few too many he ends up throwIng up all down his shirt.

"Shit!" He says's, "I promised the wife I wouldn't get hammered tonight....

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