UPJOKE

Being Married Jokes

The best part about being married is not having to worry whether or not about I’m getting laid tonight

I already know it’s not gonna happen!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Before getting married, my wife and I used all sorts of sexual positions, but it wasn’t until after being married for years that we discovered the Quantum Super position…

… where it’s rather hard to tell if my wife is alive or dead.

Being married is solving problems together.

Problems I wouldn't have, if I was single.

What's the difference between being married and being crucified?

Crucifixion only lasts days.

For many years, Jack and Emily have been living together without being married.

One day, Emily says:

• Jack, this situation isn't working like this, let's get married already, she said.

Jack, quite calmly:

• Who would marry us at this age, Emily?

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."


She asked, "What does that mean?"


He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."


She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about ...

My wife says being married to me is like being on vacation for the rest of her life

She always tells people that I was her last resort.

"Being a doctor, and being married to you..." said my wife. "..it feels like I'm living two lives."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"In one life there's medicine, scarring images and long, painful hours," she replied. "And in the other life I'm a doctor."

Reddit is a lot like being married...

You are free to express your opinion on anything you like but you will quickly be informed as to why you are wrong.

I asked an old man, "Even after 60 years of being married, how can you still call your wife 'Honey', 'Darling' and 'Sweetheart'?"

He replied, "Well I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her!"

My wife and I decided after 13 years of being married we aren’t going to have kids.

We’re still trying to figure out how exactly to break the news to them

Being married is great.

You never have to worry about the next time you might get laid because you already know it’s never.

Being married with Children in this quarantine, looking at all the single people going through it alone, I'd kill to be alone right now.

Probably the only way it could happen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa brought up sex the other day. He told me after being married to my grandma so long, they still have sex almost every day of the week.

They almost had sex last monday, almost on tuesday, wednesday etc.

Being married taught me so much about myself

That only my wife seems to know

Being married to a photographer is depressing...

...they're always looking at the negatives.

After 5 years of being married, the wife finds $7.500,00 and 4 eggs on the top of the wardrobe.

Perplexed, she goes running to her husband to ask what that was about, and he says:

- Honey, during these 5 years together, everytime you irritate me I get an egg and put it on the top of the wardrobe.

The wife gets happy because there were only 4 eggs, and then asks:

- But what...

What's the best part of being married?

You will never be alone.

What's the worst part?

You will never be alone.

In a recent interview, Mark Zuckerburg's wife stated she wasn't bothered at all about being married to a lizard person.

But rather, she only took issue when Mark would drink heavily and behave erratically, calling it a reptile dysfunction.

According to a recent study, being married is the fourth best thing that could happen to a man.

The first three, in order: being single, being a widower, being dead.

Do you know what the gift theme is for the 27th anniversary of being married?

Concrete.

After being married for thirty ones years and having three children, I can safely say...

Nothing

My son asked me what it was like being married.

So I told him to stop talking to me, and later asked why he was ignoring me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Would you remarry if I die?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course ...

My wife was proud that I admitted to also being married to someone else

...she said it was big of me

Being married is like playing cards

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

Told my girlfriend that we'll be married one day.

That's much better than being married to her for years.

How is being married like puttin' on a tin roof?

If you don't nail her good she'll be at the neighbors.

Who is Jack Schitt? (Long)

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was ma...

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