UPJOKE

Beautiful Lady Jokes

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A beautiful lady of the evening owns a penthouse on Lake Shore Drive. She’s entertaining a young man who is deciding what he’d like.

“So, how much would a reach-around set me back?”

The woman replies without hesitation, “Five-hundred dollars.”

The man is taken aback! “$500!”

The woman replies, “See this apartment? Handies paid for it!”

Convinced, the couple repair to the bedroom. A little later, they a...

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A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which po...

Walking around NYC, and a beautiful lady stops me,

She asked me "how do you get to carnagie hall?"

I told her "with a lot of hard work and dedication, ma'mn"

A beautiful lady walks into a bar

and asks the bartender for a double entendre, and he gives it to her.

Albert Einstein walks into a bar

He sits down and the bartender asks what he wants. He says "2 beers, one for me and one for the stool next to me".



The bartender pours 2 beers and asks, "are you waiting for someone?"


Albert says "No, but there is a chance that quantum fluctuations could align themselves ...

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Jane was a very beautiful lady

But she had one issue: her breath was horrible, and because of that, she had a really hard time with getting to know new people.

Despite that, she was determined to get a date. One night, she went to a club. A guy approaches her, and says: "Hey, wanna dance?"

Jane just nodded her head...

Beautiful Lady

I was walking down the lane and saw a beautiful lady with her kids.

I remarked - your husband must be real ugly.

My mom who was next to me snapped at me - what did I teach you? If you got nothing good to say, just keep shut.

Feeling sorry, I apologized to the beautiful lady - I ...

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As Santa was putting out the toys, the beautiful lady of the house appeared wearing a robe.

“Santa, stay with me” she said.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Have to deliver the toys to all the children you know!”

“Please Santa. Stay with me” she cooed, opening her robe to reveal the sheer nightie underneath.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Ha...

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Saw a beautiful lady out the other night...

...so I went up to her I asked what her name was and she said "Carmen Gold."
I said, "What a beautiful name! What nationality is the last name 'Gold?'"
"Oh no, I changed my name to reflect what I really love. I love cars, men, and gold jewelry. So what's your name again?"
"My name's BJ Tits...

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An old man offered a lady $100 to lick her nipples...

An old man saw a beautiful lady walking down the street of the bar he just walked out of.

He catches up to her and says, "Ma'am, I'll give you $100 dollars if you let me lick your nipples!"

Stunned, she says, "What kind of dirty old pervert are you?? Absolutely NOT!"

The old m...

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A city slicker buys a farm…

…and walks to his neighbor to buy some farm animals. He tells his neighbor that he wants a rooster and a hen. The neighbor says, “Ok, but we don’t call them that around here, we call a rooster a cock and a hen a pullet.”

He then asks for a donkey but again the neighbor says, “Ok, but we call ...

A beautiful lady came and sat next to me on the airplane.

I said, "I'm sorry, but this is not your seat."


"How do you know that? It's the same seat number as on my ticket"


"I don't know about that, but I do know my fate pretty well."

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A man meets a beautiful lady at the bar, and decides to ask her name...

Lady: "I'm Carmen."

Man: "What a nice name, does it run in the family?"

Lady: "Actually I named myself after the two things I love most in life; cars and men."

Man: "Very interesting."

Lady: "So, what's your name?"

Man: "Titsgolf."

A guy asked a beautiful lady sitting next to him 'Nice perfume, which one is it? I want to give it to my wife!'

Lady: 'Don't give her. Some idiot will find an excuse to talk to her!'

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What is the funniest military-based joke you know?

I will go first ...
A beautiful lady was speaking to a General at a party:
Lady: When was the last time you had sex?
General: 1945.
Lady: Oh my God! How about some now ?
General: [Looks at his watch] No, I'm cool. It's only 2030.

A beautiful lady once asked me what I like in a woman.

I got six months for indecent exposure.

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I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions.

In the morning, she told me she had a confession.

"Thats the first time I've done that" she said.

"Sex?" I replied.

"Yeah, you see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex with a man."

"That's fine, I don't mind" I said.

She...

A frog wanted to know about his future and goes to meet an oracle. The oracle prophesied that in his future, he will be touched by a beautiful lady.

The frog grew curious and wanted to know when and where it would happen, to which the Oracle replied, 'next year, in a Biology lab'!

A male frog calls a medium line and he is told he'll meet a beautiful lady frog.

"Will it happen at a ball?" he asks. "no , in a biology class"

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The Portrait Artist

A local Irishman was making quite the name for himself as a portrait artist... His fees were very reasonable and the Locals kept him busy.... One day a stretch-limo pulled up and a beautiful woman exited the car.... "I will gladly pay you 10,000 Euros if you'll paint me in the nude.".... The Irishma...

An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership…..

To find out the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful Lady.
“I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $75, 000 asking price,” said the man.
“Yet I just heard you close the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady over there. You insiste...

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Off to the Crusades! (NSFW)

There was a knight married to a beautiful lady. One day, a crusade is called and the knight is forced to leave his castle and head off to the crusades. Before he goes he arranged for his wife to wear a chastity belt, to ensure that none of his servants sleep with his wife in his absence. Yet this is...

A young private and an elderly officer on a train...

A young private and his commanding officer are on a train and they're sharing a compartment with a beautiful young lady and her father. The private and the young lady exchange glances much to the chagrin of her father.

A voice from the hall announces that they are approaching a tunnel. The yo...

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Weight loss program

This fat man was disappointed in his body. We was watching TV and saw this weight loss program and decided to join. There was 2 programs, average and advanced, and decided to start average.

The next day, the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, there was a beautiful lady. She was nude, and...

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I was on a train, about to get of..

So I stood there at the door as the train slows down and I wanted to adjust my backpack..
But when I did, I bumped my elbow against something soft behind me.
I looked behind me, and there was this beautiful lady with the biggest bust I’ve ever seen, and apparently bumped my elbow against.
I...

A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.

One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four ...

Lawyer in a train

Once a lawyer was travelling in a train alone.

After sometime, a Beautiful lady came and sat in the opposite berth!

Lawyer was pleasantly Happy!

The lady kept smiling at him! This made the lawyer happier!

Then she went and sat next to him!

The lawyer was bubbli...

Once a woman was playing golf in a dark forest.

She hit the golf ball so hard that it got lost in the forest. She went in search of that ball.

She found the ball near a bush. As she kneeled to pick it up, She heard a voice

“I am stuck in the the bush. Help me and I will grant you three wishes.”

She saw that there was a frog i...

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A snooker player just won a tournament

and met a beautiful lady at the after party. They have a few drinks and go back to his hotel room. Things get hot and heavy real fast.

She is aching for him, and says "Take me from behind. Have your way with me" and lays on the floor on all fours.

A few minutes go by with no action. <...

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The cottage in the middle of the woods

An explorer was lost in the forest, and luckily came upon a cottage in a clearing. He knocked and an old Chinese man opened the door. The man was willing to let the explorer stay on one condition: he didn't approach his daughter or he would impose the three worst Chinese tortures upon him.

D...

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A man sits in a bus when...

a beautiful woman enters the bus. She takes the seat next to him and both start to exchange looks.

After a while the man takes all his confidence and asks her "So, what's your name, beautiful lady?"

She smiles and says "Carmen! ... but my real name is Sarah actually."

"So why do...

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A Trip to the Brothel

One day a man comes home to find his wife having an affair with the neighbour, obviously Infuriated by this he storms out of the house and goes on a ride to the towns brothel. Upon entering he is greeted by a beautiful lady in skimpy lingerie, seething with anger he walks up to her and says "I want ...

Daily life of girls in bars.

A girl would leave the bar's restroom, a man would walk towards her.



>Man : You are one beautiful lady, may i get you a drink ?
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>Girl : I came here with someone.
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>Man : I am the bartender ...

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Old joke slightly different. An old peach salesman drives up to a house and knocks...

- Beautiful lady answers door with not much on. Asks old man what she can for you

- old man asks if she’d like to buy some peaches

- she says, I don’t know, takes his hand and puts it on her breast. Asks “Are your peaches as firm and nice as this.”

- he says, “yes ma’am”...

A man sees a woman and falls madly in love...

In an investment seminar a man saw a beautiful lady and falls madly in love instantly,


He proposes to her, But being a financial planning expert she asks about his background..

He said - "..well, I am an ordinary man today, but few months later, after my ailing father dies, I would...

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