UPJOKE

Be Comfortable Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How much money would I need to be comfortable

to jerk off in public?

It's either billions of dollars or no dollars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant. A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away. The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistress, and she has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce."

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. ...

An Engineer in Heaven

An engineer up in Heaven was bored because there was nothing to do. But he heard that lots of things were in disrepair in Hell, so he went down there to see if he could help. Sure enough, everything was broken down, and he started tinkering with things. He started fixing one system after another and...

Sour Patch Kid Walks into a Support Group

Sour patch kid walks into a support group for separated couples.

He says, "Hello, I'm new, and my name is Barry. My wife, Godiva, and I have been together for 15 years, and have been separated for 2 of those years. She claims my mood swings are 'unbearable' "

Everyone says "Hi Barry ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John was visiting Germany when he met a local named Gunther.

They immediately struck up a friendship and began chatting. After a pleasant chat John asked Gunther what he did for a living. Gunther explained “while, I am the creator of the minions from the Despicable Me franchise.” “Wow, that is so cool, John says excitedly.” “My son loves those little guys. On...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man with a nervous stomach sits at the dinner

table with his girlfriend's entire family. The uncomfortable bloat he feels is ruining his chances of making a good impression. Despite his heroic efforts a small fart leaks out. "Spot!" the grandma scolds. Looking down the young man sees the family dog cower near the base of his chair. "Great!" th...

Joe walks into a bar...

...when he comes inside he sees Billy sitting by the bar wearing a huge watch, which is way to big to be comfortable.

Joe walks up to him and says "hey Billy, where the hell did you get that watch?"

Billy points into the corner and says "do you see the old man sitting in the corner th...

A Man With One Wish

There was once a man named Benny. Benny was old, tired, and most of all sad. He had no friends, no family, and worked the worst job. The only thing he ever looked forward to was seeing his beautiful neighbor on his way home from work, Jenny.

One day after coming home from work he say a stran...

be careful what you wish for!

so this guy is walking down the street one day and he sees this other guy on the other side of the road with an orange for a head and hes like "whoa, oh my god that guy has an orange for a head!" so he goes over to him and he's like "hey man, you've got an orange for a head!" and the other guy nods...

I’ve been thinking about becoming a witch for hire...

But idk if my boyfriend would be comfortable with me being a hex worker.

How to get two black eyes in church

Today, my aunt’s father passed away, after a long life and leaving behind a great family. He was a very funny man, and told me one of my favorite jokes of all time. I’m going to post that joke here; stay to the end, it’s worth it. RIP, Marcel.

A man walks into his neighborhood bar and sits do...

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