UPJOKE

Be Able To Jokes

Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.

Oh the irony.

I bet you $20 that you won't be able to push the same thing back in my wheelbarrow.

Two workers - one big and strong, the other small and weak - are on a building site.

The small chap says "I bet you $20 that I can push something to the end of the yard in my wheelbarrow and you won't be able to push the same thing back."

"You're on," says the big guy.

"Right...

My coworker just found out she won’t be able to attend next week’s Innuendo Conference…

I guess I’ll have to fill her slot instead.

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Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime

Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.

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They told me that I would never be able to injure myself whilst masterbating.

But I managed to pull it off

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

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You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby.

You'd be way too short and weak.

My mom told me I'd never be able to make a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

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I'm devastated. I just had a look at my doctor's notes and he's written that after my accident, I'll never be able to wank again.

Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole "doctors have bad handwriting" cliche. It's meant to say walk. What a relief!

Dear son; Your mom and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time. Dad

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son

\----------------------------------------

Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They sai...

My 6th grade teacher, Miss Parkman, told me I'd never make it as a writer and said to find a career that wasn't so challenging. Well, 30 years later, after being turned down by almost every publisher on the planet, I'm thrilled to be able to announce that ...

... I heard Miss Parkman died.

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A guy told me I'm weird and asked for my deets to pass on to a therapist who might be able to straighten me out. I said "No thanks....

....I prefer to remain anomalous."

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I used to only be able to ejaculate if I couldn't taste, smell, see, hear or touch anything

But eventually I came to my senses

I used to be able to go to the grocery store with $20 and come back with food for a month

Try doing it nowadays with cameras everywhere

My father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number

Hey. 911 is a phone number.

You wouldn't be able to be a comedian in space

Because there is no atmosphere

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We may not be able to call black people the N-word

But we can say things like "hey dad" and "have a nice day officer."

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so l asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it

The doctor said, "Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it."

Tiger Woods won't be able to play the Masters this year.

Having difficulties with his driving.


Too soon?

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I need your very best knock-knock Jokes, clean or dirty for a sport my friends and I play. It needs to be able to make a complete stranger laugh.

Edit: I just thoguht of my favorite joke used in-game:
The joke teller, a girl on my team, was put on the phone with a young sounding guy:
Her: Knock knock
Him:Whos there?
Her:(Sexy voice) *Whoever you want it to be baby*
And then he laughed and she hung up. No Q for us!

**Doub...

Doctor will I be able to play piano after the procedure?

Doctor: Yes, I don't see why not.

Patient: That's wonderful I could never play piano before!

All I want from my job is to be able to put food on the table.

I'm a waiter.

Man, people with glasses must be able to see into the future.

Why?

Because they have four-sight.

You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.

You just have to have cell coverage.

All women should be able to do atleast 70 things

69 and leave

I wouldn't be able to throw the One Ring into Mount Doom but..

Elijah Wood.

I thought with my vasectomy my wife wouldn’t be able to get pregnant.

I guess it just changes the color of the baby.

It's so awesome to be able to talk to my mum again!

I must be the luckiest daughter in the world to have a dad who is both a taxidermist and a ventriloquist :)

I think that anti-vaxxers kids should be able to read the facts and be able to decide if they want to vaccinated or not

The only problem is they never get old enough to read.

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

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I told my husband that I was trying to kill him & no one would be able to convict me but he’s not complaining.

It’s the southern way of killing men. Cooking and baking. Real butter, whole milk, Crisco, bacon fat, and my deadly kitchen skills. His time is limited.

Faith may not be able to move mountains

But I've seen the impact it has on buildings.

I used to not be able to tell the difference between sine and cosine

But it was just a phase

The little fighter plane thought he wouldn't be able to fly high enough

Not with that altitude you won't

Jesus and Satan were arguing over whom should be able to walk the Earth...

God stepped in and told both of them to draft a detailed, 7 page, 10 font, MLA format, report as to why they deserve it. He gave them 1 day to complete the report.

As they both were furiously typing and conducting web searches, and citing away, the final hour was upon them. All of the sudd...

The most important thing in life is to be able to control your gag reflex

So that you can swallow pills and take the proper medication you need, perverts.

Will we be able to watch Robert Plant, while Roger Waters and Jeremy Irons?

Probably not, but Brian May!

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Women might be able to fake orgasms.

But men can fake a whole relationship.

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After My wife passed away it took a long time for me to be able to have sex with another woman.

I guess I had mourning wood.

A skydiver opened his parachute too late. He won’t be able to make it

Not with that altitude

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Thought I’d be able to have sex with my wife after we got married.....

Turns out I still have to pay to have a chance at her lootbox.

If you rush a circumcision to be able to watch the start of a basketball game

You are quickly taking the tip off not to miss the tip off

What school would politicians have to graduate from to be able to fullfill their campaign promises?

Hogwarts.

My friend Claire predicted she'd be able to float in water

Guess she thought she was Claire bouyant.

My doctor told me that, due to an obscure medical condition, I would never be able to feel shocked or frightened ever again.

I wasn't surprised.

The only diet I seem to be able to stick to is the one that just involves saying no to food.

"Is that enough chips for you?"

"No."

Dad: When this heals will I be able to play an instrument?

Doctor: yes, you will be able to in a few days.

Dad: Great, I've always wanted to play an instrument.

How come in movies the guys always seem to be able to bang anyone they want?

When I try, they won't even let me do it cloaed-casket.

An old man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"

Yes of course, said the doctor, why not!


"Oh How nice it would be, I have been illiterate for so long" replied the old man with joy.

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An Arabian oil tycoon met this very attractive lady and fell absolutely in love with her. so he proposed to her, claiming he would be able to grant her anything in the world. The lady not wanting to offend him by rejecting him outright, thought of ridiculous requests that are near unfulfillable

For the first request she said she'll only marry him if he buys her a 1000 acre mansion, thinking that there isn't and give up. Surprisingly the tycoon said "Ok, I build I build" and immediately gets his butler to contact a construction company to build it.

Next the lady decided to make her ...

I'd be able to find affordable glasses...

In an eye deal world.

I'm devastated that I won't be able to celebrate my birthday this March

I was born in November

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, Sir. You've already moved most of the earth."

One day we'll be able to put our thoughts from our brain into our phones.

Let that sync in.

I asked my karate instructor if I'd ever be able to do a dragon punch.

He said, "Suuuureyoucan!"

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I met a man who claimed to be able to make moonshine in his rectum.

He said it was the best moonshine he ever tasted and I absolutely had to try it. I thought "it would make for a pretty interesting story". Butt still...

How is Mexico going to be able to pay for the wall?

It's expensive, but I'm sure they'll get over it.

I just came back from the doctor, he told me I'm never going to be able to have children...

I asked him if I'm sterile, he said "No, you're just THAT ugly"

My friend asked me how it felt to be able to say that i was married

I said that "It has a nice ring to it"

It's good to be able to tuck it away quickly when needed

It's hard sometimes though

I’d buy a house but I’m afraid I won’t be able to carry the payments.

Buy a lighthouse!

It's obvious why Mike Pence would never be able to kneel for the National Anthem

he's already on his knees for Trump

Mom always said that I wouldn't always be able to pick and choose...

Years later, I found this to be true when I was living in Russia and election time rolled around.

I decided to bake every letter of the alphabet, when my first pastry gained sentience. It was very excited to be able to think and reason.

I guess it's a happy caked A for me!

I got a new tattoo because I wanted my friends to be able to count on me. It read:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Tomorrow we will finally be able to say, at least for a short while:

Trump hasn't said anything stupid all year.

What wouldn't MacGyver be able to escape from using a paper clip?

A desk job

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I’m holding a party for people who might not be able to reach orgasm and you’re invited...

If you can’t come, let me know

Doc, will I be able to play guitar after my arm heals?

Doc: Of course

Dude: Sick! I couldn't do that before!

If I ripped out the first 100 pages of my dictionary, will I then be able to look up well, but and actually?

Well yes, but, actually no

You know those slices of American cheese you get from the supermarket? You're not going to be able to buy those anymore.

Since Trump is going to make America grate again, apparently.

You know how Gotham citizens are going to be able to tell Bruce Wayne is Batman in the upcoming movie?

Because during the day he’ll sparkle.

My friend told me I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between drinking coke and drinking pepsi

I responded, “wait, y’all be drinking the coke?”

A bad detective will never be able to jump start a car...

They can't find any leads!

[NSFW] I think that I would be able to handle cancer better than my wife.

You're encouraged to beat cancer.

Babe, after we make love... I'll never be able to get over you

Can you grab my phone?

As a hunchback, I didn't think a Chiropractor would be able to help....

But I stand corrected.

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Fishing or Sex?

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

The first guy says:

"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second g...

A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?" "Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."

"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."

Teacher asks, "If you could be president for 48 hours, how many of you would be able to sleep?"

One student raised his hand. The teacher addressed the student, "You think you would be able to sleep through that responsibility?" The student responded, "I would be sleeping. With ever girl ever."

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A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.

She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

Prostitute: "C'mon man.... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick a...

Doctor: if this experimental procedure goes successfully, you will be able to see again , but

“There is a side effect that you will not get an erection anymore.”

The blind man was devastated and then realized that getting his sight back is more important

He then asked “ is there anything you can do to get my erections back ?”

Doctor “ it’s not in my hands but yours , d...

I’m sorry, but no matter how attractive they are, I will never be able to date a baker.

They’re too kneady.

Back in my day, I used to be able to go to the store with $1 and get 2 sodas, 3 chips, and a chocolate bar...

Nowadays there are CCTV cameras everywhere.

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A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next say, after eating more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, ...

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A famous psychic does a show in town claiming to be able to tell anything about anyone after only looking at them.

Towards the end of a successful show he does his finishing bit.

"And now ladies and gentleman, by simply looking at your faces, I will be able to tell how often you had sex."

The psychic looks around and sees a sad man.

"You sir look like you only have sex once a month."

...

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