UPJOKE

As If Jokes

My wife treats me as if I'm a god.

She acts like I don't exist until she wants something.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My body hurts as if I had been having sex all night long

But that "as if" is what hurts the most

I live each moment as if it’s my last.

That’s why I’m always clutching at my throat, gurgling, while cutting people out of my Will.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

"When out of ammunition, just hold your hand as if you were holding a gun, and say 'bang bang'"

It was just before a critical offensive, and the troops were being issued their weapons. Lenski was last in line, and they handed out the last rifle to the man in front of him. Furious, Lenski shouted, “Hey, what about my gun?”
“Listen, bud,” advised the munitions officer, “just keep your hands o...

I’m told that I should speak to people as if tomorrow is their last day alive

But apparently yelling, “if you screw up tomorrows order I’m gonna kill you!” at the barista gets you banned from Starbucks for life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As if being dyslexic wasn't bad enough!

Now I read I might have racoon virus!

Remember when you feel as if time slowed down?

It's caused by the gravity of the situation.

My neighbor speaks to her cat as if it could understand her.

I told my dog and we both had a laugh over it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wake up at around 7am to hear this pounding at my door as if it’s about to cave in

So I open the door and I see this 6ft cockroach. Before I can even ask him how’s he doing he picks me up and flings me across the hallway of my house. Moving at rapid speed he’s got me in a headlock and delivers some devastating punches. I’m gutted to say I passed out from the sheer pain. Next day w...

Loving noodles is almost as if you are religious

Can I get a ramen?

My neighbor sometimes undresses as if...

.... someone is watching her.

My friends and family treat if as if I'm a god!

They don't believe in me

My flatmate drank my cannabis tea earlier, and he is now walking around the flat as if he owns the place.

He's so high on my tea.

A vegan girl came up to me and spoke as if she knew me.

But I had never met herbivore.

I’ve recently been told that I should live every moment as if it was my last.

My neighbors are starting to get annoyed with the constant screaming and crying.

I like to spend every day as if it’s my last.

Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.

My body looks as if it were chiseled from marble

I'm not muscular whatsoever I'm just really white.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I pass gas and people look to me as if I was the culprit,

I blame the asshole behind me.

A store manager heard his clerk tell a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for a while, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Horrified, the manager came running over to the customer and said, “Of course we’ll have some soon. We placed an order last week.” Then the manager drew the clerk aside. “Never,” he snarled, “Never, never, never say we’re out of anything- say we’ve got it on order and it’s coming. Now, what was it s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy at a bar is talking on his hand as if it were a phone....

After many beers a guy started talking on his hand as if it was a phone. The bartender notices but doesn't say anything. Guy ordered another beer, and gets another call. By now the bartender is curious and asks the guy what he is doing with his hand. Guy responds that it's a cell phone and he is a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy from Apple promised me a pre-release of a new product if I sucked his cock this morning. As if I would compromise my values for such a materialistic item!

Sent from my iPhone XI

The other day I saw two squirrels making noises at each other as if they were arguing.

You could say they were squarreling.

There's a beautiful irony in the fact the history channel is showing less and less history...As if the history

Is in the past.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An oldie but a goodie, middle school legend. Its worded in a way as if its a conversation, bear with me.

So there's this kid, kinda stupid, going to kindergarten. He's set to learn his alphabet. His teacher tells him to go.home, and memorize the first 3 letters of the alphabet.

He goes home, and goes to his mom, who's talking on the phone with her ex-boyfriend. She's talking away, things are ge...

I took my boat out the other day and it made sounds as if it were sick.

So I took it to the dock.

John decides to take a different route to office and on the way spots an old guy sitting next to an open pothole shouting loudly at it. As he approaches the old guy he realises the old guy is shouting the words 'TWENTY SEVEN' at the open pothole, almost as if expecting someone to respond from below

He drives past him, goes to office but then while he's returning he sees the old man again, still shouting. Taking pity, he parks his car, goes up to the old guy, and sits next to him, 'Hey buddy... You okay?'
The old man says nothing, just points at the pothole and whimpers.. 'Twenty... Seven'. ...

My wife called me at work and asked "Do you ever feel a piercing pain across your body as if someone just stabbed a Voodoo doll of you?" Concerned i replied "No".

"How about now?" she asked.

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