UPJOKE

Anyone Know Jokes

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Anyone know of a cure for sex addiction?

I’ve tried fucking everything

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

Does anyone know how to avoid click bait?

Apparently not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed... "Anyone know CPR?"

I said hell I know the entire alphabet.
Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy.

Does anyone know what the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

The teacher asked the class: "Does anyone know how ventriloquism works?"

"Me!" I said. "I do, I do!"

"Put your hand up before you speak."

I said, "Exactly."

Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with?

Asking for a friend.

If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges..

..my door is always open.

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Does anyone know a good dick joke?

I do. But if I type it out on here, it would be too shlong.

Does anyone know any good Groundhog Day jokes?

Because I keep hearing the same ones over and over

I want to watch Hamlet on a streaming platform. Does anyone know which one it's on?

Is it Tubi or not Tubi?

Anyone know what a whey is??

Apparently my dad just passed one.

Does anyone know the quote one mans trash is another man's treasure.

Its a great quote but a terrible way to find out your adopted.

Does anyone know any good tree puns?

I'm pining fir a new one, but they're not that poplar.

Does anyone know what an ink blot test is?

I Googled it, but all I can find are pictures of my parents yelling at me.

Anyone know that one horror game?

I think it’s called “amnesia” but I can’t remember

Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet?

Because I'm drawing a blank.

does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have...

...a duel meaning.

Anyone know how to diagnose a guy with erectile disfunction? Anyone?

Come on guys, it's really not that hard

Does anyone know how many beans are in 1 can of beans?

Two hundred thirty nine, because one more would be two farty

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Anyone know where I can get some ivermectin?

I don’t have Covid, but I am a little hoarse with an itchy butt

Does anyone know of any forums for fellow ax murderers?

We can share LifeHacks ...

The Sargent walked into the barracks asking if anyone knows shorthand.

When a few raised their hands, hoping for easy work, the Sargent said, "Good, they're shorthanded in the mess hall!"

Does anyone know?

If we can shower yet, or just keep washing our hands?

Does anyone know where I can get a longer dipstick from?

Mine doesn't reach the oil anymore..

Does anyone know who Pavlov is?

His name rings a bell...

Anyone knows a joke about sodium ?

Na!

Does anyone know a good joke in sign language?

I don’t think I’ve ever heard one.

Barely anyone knows about Napoleon's younger brother

They were Bonaparte

Joke request: anyone know a good knock knock joke?

This is the best one I know (sorry).

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupt——

MOOOO!

Why doesn't anyone know about Napoleon's siblings?

Because they were born apart.

Does anyone know the actor that played forest gump?

T hanks

Anyone know the best thing about the invention of e-mail?

People stopped judging me so much for being an anti-faxxer

Did anyone know Lawrence Welk had 4 daughters?

Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4.

Does anyone know how to fix a noisy dishwasher?

I've tried flowers and chocolates, but she's still whinging

Does anyone know of an office job that will hire someone with zero verifiable experience?

Yes, the White House recently did. Apply there.

Anyone know why Waldo wears stripes?

He doesn't want to be spotted.

Everyone knows what sin city is. But does anyone know what is den city?

Mass per unit volume

Anyone know the address of the church?

There's no listings on the rectory.

Yup I'm a dad who told this joke to my daughter and she found it NOT amusing.

Anyone knows a good way to downgrade?

I installed this 2020 upgrade, but it came with a virus.

Anyone know what "obtaining information through deception" means?

I'm asking for a friend.

Does anyone know what a manocleptiac is ?

A person who walks into a store backwards and leaves stuff on the counter ! Sorry

Does anyone know the latest age that someone could get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

Does anyone know why tik tok data is getting stolen?

I thought they would be looking for intelligence.....

Anyone know how to lift a house?

My girlfriend wants me to put foundation on her face.

Anyone know a good pair of scissors?

Mine just aren’t cutting it

Does anyone know of any actors that can help cure my lisp?

I’m pretty sure Anne Hathaway, but I’m going to ask Colin Firth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does anyone know what this Japanese rice wine is called?

I can't remember the name, for Heaven's sake.

Anyone know where I can buy some camo pants?

Can't find them anywhere.

Does anyone know what happened to the Tetris Movie?

All the pieces were in place, but it disappeared

Does anyone know how long it takes to fix a hearing aid?

I sent mine away two weeks ago and heard nothing since!

Does anyone know of any crematoriums...

that give discounts for burn victims?

Anyone know any good anti jokes?

Anti jokes are basically jokes that are so serious and deliberately not funny to the point where they are funny. Yeah its hard to explain. But I was looking for some good ones that aren't already on the anti joke website so share them if you know any.

Does anyone know who this Rorschach guy is?

He keeps drawing pictures of my parents fighting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations?

Asking for a friend.

Anyone know how to write an original joke that doesn't rely on an overused punchline?

Asking for a friend.

Does anyone know if Jerry Falwell Jr. is still scheduled to speak at the Republican National Convention?

Or is he just going to sit in the corner and watch?

Does anyone know how to easily peel a kiwi?

All those feathers keep getting in the way

Does anyone know what's so special about Vantablack?

I think it's really lackluster.

Does anyone know where they sell Less?

People have been telling me for years I have to eat it, and really should be drinking it too!

Does anyone know how long human blood will keep for if it’s not refrigerated?

Asking for a fiend

Quick! Does anyone know the Heimlich maneuver?

England just choked.

Anyone know a good roofer?

Nevermind, the glass ceiling didn't get smashed...

Does anyone know a good phlebotomy joke?

I've been trying to come up with one, but my efforts have been in vein.

[meta] Does anyone know the one...

mugger and priest show up to the pearly gates in heaven and only one gets in. A friend of a friend heard a joke that started this way and can't remember the punch line.

Also, maybe other people have jokes where they can't remember the punch line.

Does anyone know where I can find the "Surrender" Emoji?

Nevermind the French flag works fine. 🇫🇷🇫🇷🇫🇷

Does anyone know where Engagement, Ohio is?

About halfway between Dayton and Marion

Does anyone know if Donald Trump saw his shadow this morning?

Six more weeks of government shutdown coming if he did!

Does anyone know any good gags?

Said Kim's robber.

Does anyone know the cost to maintain Fenway Park from season to season?

I don’t need exact figures, just a ballpark estimate.

Does anyone know what Barack Obama’s favorite nut is?

Yes, pecan!

Does anyone know what happened to the spice girls?

They all became old spice

Does anyone know any good renal/kidney jokes?

I'm in nursing school right now and there's a competition in one of my classes for the funniest renal joke. I can't think of any! Help?

While living alone and always wearing a mask in public, I grew a mustache without anyone knowing.

It’s my secret ‘stache.

Merry Christmas everyone! Does anyone know how to take care of birds?

I just received a bird in a tree anonymously, if anyone could help me, thanks!

If anyone knows how to correct cosmetic surgery that's gone horribly wrong?

I'm all ears.

Does anyone know how much a blimp is worth?

I was going to google it, but I was worried it wouldn't account for inflation.

Does anyone know any sad, lonely people who are going to be spending Christmas alone?

Cause I need to borrow some chairs.

This is my 27th wedding anniversary, does anyone know the gift for that year?

Is it concrete or lead?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"If you could push a button and would receive $100 million, but you would whipe out 50% of the earth's human population (without anyone knowing it was you), would you push that button?"

A friend of ours: "I vould push it three times".

Does anyone know where concentrate is?

I've been drinking lovely orange juice from there for years now..

Did anyone know what happened to that passion fruit truck crash yesterday?

It caused traffic jam.

Does anyone know how long it takes to cook those boil in the bag fish.

I didn't get any instructions at the fun fair.

Does anyone know where I could hire a friend for a few hours?

It's not for me though, i'm looking for a friend.

Anyone know the title of Steven Tyler's new cook book?

Wok this way.

Does anyone know where to find about 454 graham crackers?

I'm making a pound cake for dessert

Does anyone know why people are buying Chris Brown's new album?

Because it beats me.

Does anyone know what the tiny little bumps around the nipple are?

They're braille for "Suck me"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

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