UPJOKE

I Know Jokes

I know every single digit of pi!

Just not in the right order

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Worst joke I know (nsfw)

I was eating out this chick and I tasted horse semen.
So I looked up and said " Ew grandma! Is that how you died?"

The only joke I know.

How does a cow introduce his wife...?

He says, "meat patty".

I am very sorry.

Edit: it makes sense that my only popular post is a dad joke. I've never received any awards before so thank you everyone, this is insane.

Also, I understand everyone is upset about the cow vs b...

What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little. (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)

The driest, most esoteric joke I know.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to...

Worst Geometry Joke I Know

When does a Pentagon have only 4 sides?

When it is intercepted by a plane.

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit which gives you your entire daily potassium requirement?”

Her: That’s bananas.

Me: I know. I was shocked too.

Here’s the oldest dirty joke I know

Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day, and they stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette before finishing their walk back to their apartments.


One day, just as they lit their cigarette, it starts to rain. Neither ladies brought umbrellas.


Gladys, the innovator s...

you're not the dumbest person I know.

But you better hope he doesn't die.

I know now why Trump wants to build a wall

It's been years since he managed to erect anything

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know a woman who has been married 3 times and is still a virgin

Her first husband was a psychologist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. Her second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. Her third husband was a gourmet and all he wanted to do was eat it.

.

The good news is that I just heard she is gettin...

My dad told us, “I know you guys hate it, but I’m going to wear Velcro shoes from now on….

..I mean, why knot?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only good joke I know, and it's about blind people

Two guys are walking their dogs and come across a bar. One of them smiles. "shit yeah, let's get wasted!" he says. The other guy isn't sure. "I dunno, man. I don't want to leave my dog outside around these parts." "Dude, relax. Just follow my lead."

The first guy puts on some sunglasses, then...

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

I think I have a fetish for the last paragraph of an essay. How do I know?

I just came to that conclusion.

I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch.

He can binomial.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke I’ve ever read on Reddit, one of the first I’ve ever read here too: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do I Know You?

An older couple from Detroit are driving through Florida one afternoon when they are pulled over by a state police vehicle for speeding.

The patrolman approaches the car, and asks to see the man's license and registration. His wife, who is hard of hearing, yells out "WHAT DID HE SAY??!" The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do I Know You?

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me? To which she
replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids! Now his mind travels back to the o...

I want to tell you about a girl I know who only eats plants...

...you've probably never heard of herbivore.

"I know where babies come from."

After coming home from school and sitting down on the couch, young Jenny proudly proclaimed "Mommy, I know where babies come from!"

Imagining storks and unicorns, her Mom said "OK, then why don't you tell me Honey."

Jenny says "The Mommy and Daddy take off their clothes and start huggi...

There's this girl I know, and I'm like a god to her.

Because I'm always watching her.

And she's never seen me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The costume party (Sorry if this is a repost. Best joke I know.)

A man, lets call him jim, goes to his buddys costume party wearing nothing but a pair of pants.
Jim's friend walks over to him and says "hey, jim... uh what are you supposed to be?"
Jim smiles and says "well im a premature ejaculation."
His friend looks puzzled and asks "okay, well why a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is the worst joke I know. "A mad scientist is developing an immortality serum..."

"...and so far it works perfectly in cell culture, in worms, in mice and rats, and in racoons. Next step is testing it in dolphins. As she's reaching for the syringes for her test subjects, she notices that she's run out of serum and has to prepare a new batch. The primary ingredient is a chemi...

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

You know how i know you play bullet hell?

You don't own any umbrellas for rainy days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know this might make me sound big headed

But I can’t get my fucking sweater off!

I know a place where the recycling rate is 98%

/r/jokes

I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed... "Anyone know CPR?"

I said hell I know the entire alphabet.
Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy.

As a doctor, I know I should never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.

But let me give it a shot.

Went to a diner with a couple I know. They started arguing.

Normally, I'm not one to take sides, but they were so distracted by yelling at each other that I stole her fries and his cole slaw...

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal. Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

I know why this entire country has gotten so cold.

It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.

How did I know the crow got sick?

He had a really bad ca-cough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says I can never find her G spot, but I think I know the problem

I’m looking in the wrong vaginas

Probably the longest joke I know

So this man is driving in his car to work, and he hears this beautiful noise that he needs to immediately hear.

He drives to the noise and it brings him to a church where he encounters a priest, the noise is louder now, he asks the priest:

“What is that noise? It is so beautiful!”
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

I know a lot of unemployment jokes...

Unfortunately, none of them work.

I know a guy who gets his vodka imported from Central Africa

Absolut Chad!

I know a communism joke

But it's only funny if EVERYONE gets it.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.

But he says he can stop anytime

I know The Little Mermaid's breast size.

It's obvious. She's wearing C-shells.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man tells his wife "you've been watching the food channel for years and you're still one of the worst cooks I know..."

"Honey," she replies, "for how many years you've been watching porn?"

As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees.

Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.

How do I know China has Free Speech?

No one says otherwise.

Do You Know How I Know I Have A Buddhist Vacuum Cleaner?

It doesn't have any attachments

I know why social distancing is 6 feet...

A prequel for life in the grave.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I was the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz, I know what I’d be singing

Oh, I’d while away the hours
Wanking in the flowers
My heart all full of song

I’d be guilding every lily
As I waved about my Willy
If I only had a schlong

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Cheesiest Joke I Know

What did the cracker say to the slice of cheddar?

"Say, you're looking mighty sharp today!"

To which the cheddar replied,

"Fuck you, white boy."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most women I know look at sex like driving a car.

“Is it safe? Is it reliable? Could it kill me?”

But most men I know look at sex like *parking* a car.

“There’s a spot…there’s another spot. Oh, I have to pay? Never mind. Handicapped? I hope no one sees *this*!”

I asked out this European Girl I know.

But she said she'd rather just be friends, so now I'm stuck in the PAL Region.

Well, I know it's childish, but me and my girlfriend have just had a great time having a pillow fight and I won!

The secret is to stuff a few bricks in there..

I asked God for a car, but I know God doesn't work that way...

So, I stole a car and asked for forgiveness.

I know what you did

A little kid is often picking his nose. His mother tells him: "Honey, don't do this". The little kid asks "why?". The mother wants to think of some excuse so she says: "because... when you do it, then when you grow up, you will be fat like our neighbour next door."

After some time the lit...

I know Jeremy Clarkson's PIN number.

It's Zero-Two-Sixty

Credit: Michael Mcintyre

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know I must be really good in bed, because women always ask me

if there’s any possible way I could make it last longer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know about oral sex and anal sex... but... nasal sex?

Fuck knows.

I know what happened to that crazy frog!

Fame went to it's head. It went so crazy It had to be Kermitted.

I used to believe that my stencil drawings served a purpose, but now I know they're meaningless

I'm an ex-stencilist

I know I’m gonna get hate for saying this, but there are some races that I just don’t like.

For instance, anything with an obstacle in it. Like if I’m running 10k, don’t make me climb over a wall halfway through it.

I know a guy, who used to be a great hockey scorer, who now works at a nursing home, his name is

Jerry Hattrick

Me: "Yea, I know man. I can't believe it's risen 1500%

Me: "Yea, I know man. I can't believe it's risen 1500%

My professor stops writing on the chalkboard and turns around. "Nothing that raises 1500% that quickly is a good investment. I'm so tired of hearing about Bitcoin this Bitcoin that"

Me: We were talking about the cost of Colle...

I’ll have you know, I know all of the Capitals in the UK

UK

I know Vin diesels favorate cartoon

Family Guy

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.