UPJOKE

Just Remember Jokes

If you’re feeling paranoid, just remember…

… you’re not alone!

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

I just remembered this joke to leave a comment in r/mariners, and I thought some of you would enjoy it. It was my dad's fave.

A Californian, a Texan, and a Washingtonian are out on a hunting trip, but it's not going well. Three hours, nothing.

The Californian pulls a bottle of wine out of his bag, throws it way up in the air, and shoots it.

"Wha'd you do that for?" asks the Texan. "That was a perfectly good b...

If you ever feel useless... Just remember that

If you ever feel useless...


Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...


the Taliban

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just remember, Hitler is one of histories heroes.

After all, he DID kill Hitler.

Just remember, Police are like a box of chocolates..

..they'll kill your dog.

If you ever think your job is pointless, just remember...

You could be the guy who installs indicators on BMWs.

If you ever feel worthless, just remember

It's someones job to install blinkers on BMW's

If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember...

that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.

Just remember you are someone's reason to smile.

Because you're a joke.

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

If someone calls you a nobody, just remember

Nobody's perfect.

To all the people out there suffering with paranoia just remember,

You're not alone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you have diarrhea and feel really REALLY bad , just remember this

Some people are going through some harder shit than you.

Just remembered a classic from my childhood

When I say childhood, I mean from the playground at primary school.

3 men are out for a walk when a man approaches them.

"Come with me, I have a magic slide. Whatever you shout as you slide down it, you will land in"

The first man climbed into the slide "Gold!" He shouted and la...

Just remember this if you ever feel poor:

Your closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos ever will.

Just remember, voting is like driving!

D to go forward, R to go in reverse.

Just remember…

if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

When you feel down, just remember that you are never really completely useless...

You can always serve as a bad example.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard this one a few years ago and just remembered it after some time. I don't know if it's already been posted here or not, and if it has, I am sorry! I've also made some edits to it because, well, I don't have the original at my fingertips right now.

When I was in high school - in 10th or 11th grade I think - our class got two new students about midway through the school year. They were twins - a brother and sister - and they were from China. They'd moved to the U.S. only recently, yet they still had a pretty good education in English and I assu...

No matter what statistics partisan hacks use to back up their lies today, just remember that mathematics....

...is the true source of division.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my classmates in elementary school was mean to me sometimes, but looking back, I just remember the good things.

Like punching that bastard in the face.

Just remember to be nice to all your UK friends tomorrow, reddit....

It's our 9/11.

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, just remember...

There is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

Guys, just remember that every yo mama joke that exists has been done hundreds of times by hundreds of different people.

Like your mom.

If a black person calls you a whitey or a cracker just remember...

It's fine for them to say that, you can say things they never will be able too.

Like, "thanks for the warning officer"

In honor of the eve of April Fools Day... just remember that tomorrow you need to be cautious of many tweets and news reports because most of them will be lies and simply there to try and trick you. Believe nothing, and trust no one.

Just treat it like it's any other day.



Have fun!

I know many people have been appalled by reopen protestors risking public health for questionable reasoning. But, just remember 2-3% of em’ will be dead in the next few months anyway....

....not from Coronavirus but from fireworks accidents and ATV rollovers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Eyelids (sorry if repeat. Just remembered an old joke because of current circumstances)

So my cousin was in this crazy ass accident. His house was on fire and he went back in to save his daughter. Crazy as fuck. Dave ran in there, was able to save his little girl, but he got crushed and pinned under some beams and shit. The firemen were able to drag him out but he was badly burned. Wor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just remember that you can do whatever you want and be who you want to be. No one can stop you from fulfilling your dreams.

Unless you live in Russia. Then you can only do what Putin lets you do.

Edit: Guys, a few black vans just showed up at my house. I'm scared.

Edit2: Holy crap there are more! They're starting to get out of the vans. I think they're armed!

Edit3: They're coming in! I don't know ...

If you ever have trouble spelling the word "Christmas" this holiday season, just remember:

There's Noël.

Just remember

Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there’s an idiot pulling a door that says “PUSH”

If you’re ever feeling down just remember that...

People in hell are always looking up to you!

Just remember, son

When you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you want to stay strong and it's dark, and you feel blood rushing to your head, and it's getting really hot, and it feels like the world is closing in around you, just remember...

... You're a Penis and this is normal.

Just remember you’re unique,

just like everyone else!

To anyone who works at McDonalds who is feeling bad about their life choices just remember...

You can technically put White House Catering staff on your CV now

Just remember - An annoying song about a Lions nocturnal habits.....

.... is never more than ‘A Whim Away....’

Next time you say Michelangelos statues suck just remember

>he had to go into the Nether to get all the quartz to make it. Have some respect for hard work.

If you're worried about not getting a New Year's Eve kiss this year, just remember

Valentine's Day is coming up and you're probably going to be alone for that, too.

If you think you've hit rock bottom, just remember that my bank...

once froze my accounts because I bought a healthy ready meal at my local supermarket, and they classed it as an "uncharacteristic purchase"

Just remember Americans, if Ajit Pai wins tomorrow...

At least he will feel pride and accomplishment.

A joke I just remembered

Waiter: how did you find your meal sir?

Me: yeah it tastes good

Waiter: that's not what I meant and you know it

Me: another waiter told me where you hid it

No matter how worthless you may think you are, just remember; ...

...you are always worth something on the black market.

Programming takes time. Just remember...

Chrome wasn't built in a day

If your ever feeling like you can't achieve something, just remember...

Today, Amy Winehouse is six years clean.

If you ever feel like you can't do something, just remember...

Suicide Squad is an Oscar nominated film.

When you really want fried potatoes, just remember....

Keep your eyes on the fries

Just remembered my favourite dad joke of all time.

"Bring me a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy."

Just remembered my favorite Abbott and Costello joke

Costello: Bud, you should make sure to marry a homely girl.

Abbott: Why's that?

Costello: Well, a pretty girl is liable to run away.

Abbott: Isn't a homely girl liable to run away, too?

Costello: Yeah, but who cares!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old joke that I just remembered

So , two hookers were out on their usual street corner
And one of them says "it's going to be a good night tonight, I can smell cock in the air"
The other one replies "sorry I just burped"

The first student walks into the room, where he will take an oral history test.

The teacher asked, "Who is the father of communism?"

The first student replied, "Karl Marx."

The teacher asked, "In what year?"

The first student replied, "1848."

The teacher asked, "Are ghosts real?"

The first student replied, "The Party says no, the people say ye...

When struggling between which grey/gray to use…

Just remember this helpful tip:
Europe=grEy, America=grAy.... and for the Canadians, grEHy

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery...

...and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. 'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your moth...

Jesus and Moses

One beautiful day in Heaven, Jesus and Moses were fishing in a lake. After a while of silence, Jesus asked Moses, "Hey Moses, can you still do it? You know... 'Your thing'?" Moses then answered, "I don't know, let me see if I still got it!"

He then stood up and drew his arms forwards, and the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working on an oil rig

So the new guy is being shown around the offshore oil rig. And while being fascinated by the ship and machinery, he nervously asks the old-timer, "We're going to be out here for over month, and I don't see any women. Not one. What do we when we get horny?"


The old timer nods knowingly a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

Jesus, the Christ, decides to to give humanity a second chance...

Arriving on Earth, he does a tour.

He travels the Middle East and everything goes well. He then goes through Australia and he's welcomed with open arms. Afterwards, he goes to Europe, and all the Europeans love him. Then he goes to America...

whilst in one of the Southern States, one...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Winter is nearly here...

Winter is nearly here & our native birds will soon be finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There's no finer sight on a winters morning then a pair of tits around your nut sack. Just remember however its a bit late in the year to expect...

An 80yr old couple had been arguing for months.

After having enough the husband said that’s it I’m going to leave you for a 20 year old.

The wife said that’s fine I’ll find me a 20 year old as well.

Just remember 20 goes into 80 a lot more than 80 goes into 20.

What kind of stone do you need to evolve eevee into a ghost type?

Easy

any stone can do the job, just remember aim for the head

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm from behind the bathroom door.

She knocks and asks, 'honey ,what is it?'

Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, 'The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having and no matter what I do, I just can't get the sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me ho...

Old Man on the Fast Moped

Just remembered this one today. It's a great joke for around a campfire.

\---

Guy's driving down the road in his new Lamborghini. Stops at a light next to an old man on a moped.

The old man looks over and says "Say, that's a pretty spiffy looking car there, son. It looks f...

For my New Years resolution I promise to never steal money out of my wife’s purse

But then I just remembered she’s got a birthday coming up

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.



The hostess leave...

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