UPJOKE

All Of Jokes

Believe all women. Really? ALL of them?

That’s the dumbest thing I’ve Amber Heard.

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

All of the heroes of Overwatch have natural hair colors...

Because heroes never dye.

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All of the passengers on a plane are seated and ready for takeoff.

The pilot and copilot are late, the passengers and crew are getting frustrated. A couple of minutes go by and suddenly the copilot boards and is wearing dark glasses while waving around a mobility cane. He clumsily makes his way to the copilots seat. The passengers feel uneasy. A couple more minutes...

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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

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A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , ...

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What do you call the cockpit if all of the pilots are female?

The box office

How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?

Invite two of them.

My wife kicked me out because she's tired of all of my bad Schwarzenegger references, but...

I will return

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal…

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes...

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I went into a sex shop today and was shocked to find out how much all of my wife’s vibrators cost...

She’s sitting on a small fortune...

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

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The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history

Edit: Holy shit this blew up

A college professor asks all of his students to yell out stereotypes for a class project

For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.

"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.

"Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.

I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I've ever had.

It had an ex axis, and a why axis.

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A Jewish guy and a Chinese guy or sitting in the bar when all of a sudden the Jewish guy walks over and punches the Chinese guy in the face.

"What the hell, man?"
"That was for Pearl harbor, asshole."
"That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese!"
"Japanese, Chinese, same thing."
The Jewish guy shrugged his shoulders and sat back down to his beer.

A few minutes ago by, when the Chinese guy walks over and punches the Jewish guy ...

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...

Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?

So when they come back to port, they can *scandanavian*

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood..

Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, doe...

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

When he asked him who the best composer was, they replied, "Bach Bach Bach"

I’ve been saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican friends.

It means a lot to them.

All of these presidents are so corrupted

Except for Abraham Lincoln, he was in a cent.

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Bob did like he always does, kissed his ol lady, crawled into bed and fell a sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Bob. "I want you to send me back immediately." ...

All of Snow White’s

seven dwarfs were in a hot tub, feeling happy.

So Happy got out..

I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack.

I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way

Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice

My wife let me remove all of her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

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I object to all of the sex on the TV, these days...

I mean, I keep falling off!

Legend has it there was a Sensei who is said to have bested all of his opponents by waiting for just the right moment to strike

He went by "Tai Ming"

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to ...

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method ...

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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him

Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinalsthat he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was ha...

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Bec...

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All of the suggested ads I'm seeing online today are for Viagra and it's frustrating and annoying.

I think they're just trying to get a rise out of me.

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A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.

The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed.

The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!”

The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare...

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For all of you croupiers out there...

Q: What's the difference between a roulette dealer and a stagecoach driver?

A: The stagecoach driver looks at the same six assholes all day.



It was a day like any other at the office for Dave, when all of a sudden, a bear opens his door.

"We're out of coffee," says the Bear, and it left.

Dave was obviously surprised that a literal bear opened his door. He almost thought he may have been smoking something, but he brushed it off immediately. "Maybe someone is pulling a prank, I don't know." But later when he goes to the break r...

Did you know, that if you take all of the human organs and spread them out on a football field.

You get arrested

If God has a plan for all of us...

Why does mine have so much spicy diarrhoea?

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Do all of you want a drink?"

The first logician says, "I don't know."
The second logician says, "I don't know."
The third logician says, "Yes!"

Where do dads store all of their jokes?

In the Dadabase

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Who took all of the toilet paper at the store?

Assholes.

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A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million do...

I got mail from Mr. T saying that he was getting rid of all of his gold necklaces and he wanted me to share that with ten of my friends.

It was a chain letter.

A man lay dying in his bed in the upstairs bedroom when all of a sudden...

...he could smell his favorite cookie in the whole world: chocolate chip. His mouth watering, he slowly made his way out of bed and crawled to the stairs, where he painstakingly went down step by aching step. At the bottom of the stairs he sat down to rest. After a moment, the smell of the cooki...

Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled. "What happened to you?"...

Seeing all of these coffee jokes lately..

Im getting Deja Brew

After my grandfather died, his lawyer told us that all of his assets were Frozen.

Why he bought so many DVDs of the movie—no one knows.

As a serial killer, I keep all of my trophies in a snack pack.

The proof is in the pudding.

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

Did you hear that McDonald's is implanting all of its employees with technology that gives them all a common hive mind?

They're calling themselves the Burg.

A burglar stole all of my lamps

I should be upset, but I’m delighted

My son accidentally invented the end-all-be-all of kid jokes

Knock knock

\-- Who's there?

Chicken

\-- Chicken who?

Chicken from across the road

TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.

Kept hitting on 17.

What’s the loneliest hand in all of poker?

Jack King off

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A psychologist has a party for all of her patients

She instructs everyone to come dressed as an emotion. As the party begins, she sees her first patient come in dressed in all red. The psychologist asks her "what are you dressed as" and the patient replies "I'm dressed as anger and rage." The next patient comes in and is dressed in all blue. The psy...

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

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A woman who is pregnant with triplets (boys) is walking on the street when all of a sudden she gets shot 3 times in the stomach.

Upon arrival at the hospital the doctor tells her she will live and so will the 3 boys. He also tells her surgery isnt necessary to remove the bullets and the bullets will find its way out the natural way.

10 years have passed since the accident .when 1 of the boys runs up to his mom screamin...

I started dating a guy, but then I found out he lost all of his toes in a freak work accident

Unfortunately, I'm lack toes intolerant.

(This joke inspired by an 8 year old)

Out of all of Aesop's Fables, my favorite is the one about the herbs

It's a thyme-less tale that ends with some really sage advice.

All of the toilets were stolen from the police station.

Detectives have nothing to go on.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

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