UPJOKE

All Of The Jokes

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All of the passengers on a plane are seated and ready for takeoff.

The pilot and copilot are late, the passengers and crew are getting frustrated. A couple of minutes go by and suddenly the copilot boards and is wearing dark glasses while waving around a mobility cane. He clumsily makes his way to the copilots seat. The passengers feel uneasy. A couple more minutes...

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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

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What do you call the cockpit if all of the pilots are female?

The box office

All of the heroes of Overwatch have natural hair colors...

Because heroes never dye.

I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I've ever had.

It had an ex axis, and a why axis.

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

Did you know, that if you take all of the human organs and spread them out on a football field.

You get arrested

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All of the suggested ads I'm seeing online today are for Viagra and it's frustrating and annoying.

I think they're just trying to get a rise out of me.

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way

Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?

So when they come back to port, they can *scandanavian*

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Who took all of the toilet paper at the store?

Assholes.

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I once travelled the Trans-Sahara Highway in an old funeral coach with all of the badges removed.

I suppose you could say I've been through the desert in a hearse with no name.

How did the DJ threaten his unruly apprentice who was responsible for all of the electronic beats

He threatened him with real percussions

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After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assassin position — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent replies, "Then you’re not the right man for...

All of the toilets were stolen from the police station.

Detectives have nothing to go on.

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it arrived I found all of the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Can we please ban yo mama jokes on this sub? All of the yo mama jokes have been done thousands of times by thousands of people.

Kinda like yo mama!

I’ll have you know, I know all of the Capitals in the UK

UK

All the blondes of the world are finally fed up...

Sick of all the dumb blonde jokes - thousands of blondes have a huge convention in a football stadium to prove once and for all that they are just as smart as anyone else. So, they all fill the stadium and have a teacher on the field ask one blonde volunteer a math question.

The teacher asks...

The chief of staff of the US air force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of the armed forces. He directed that a nearby Air Force base will be open and all eligible young men and women would be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F - 15 fighter jet, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff struck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and said...

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All of the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I proc...

TIL that if reddit is down you can still see all of the top posts of the previous week

You just have to visit Buzzfeed or ebaumsworld

All of the staff at the CoCo pops factory were murdered last night

They say it was the work of a Cereal Killer.

What happened to the all of the good chemistry puns?

The best chemistry puns argon.

Every time I take my dog for a walk in the park, he gets attacked by all of the ducks there.

Thats what I get for having a pure bread dog

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

A foreman of a factory was making his rounds inspecting how all of the workers were doing their jobs.

“Well," he said to one blond worker, "I see you are doing a very diligent job stamping all of the boxes 'THIS SIDE UP'."

"Yes," the worker replied, eager to please, "and just to be extra sure I stamped the bottom also!"

Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in Heaven.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.I knew she was into so...

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