UPJOKE

A Road Jokes

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Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip…

Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip, and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies.

The cop says “You were going 80 miles an hour.” Heisenberg throws up...

A knight rides on a road. Suddenly, a frog comes to him.

\- I am under a spell, - the frog says. - Kiss me, and I'll become a beautiful princess, and will be your wife and love you forever.

The knight kisses the frog and - Bamf! - it indeed turns into a princess. And the princess is so beautiful, he embraces her, takes her clothes off, makes love t...

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...

I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there

A penguin decides to take a road trip and drive across the country to see the world.

A penguin decides to take a road trip and drive across the country to see the world. So, he hops into his car and starts driving. He's cruising down the highway when suddenly, his car starts making strange noises, and smoke starts pouring out from under the hood.
Panicked, the penguin manages t...

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A man is driving down a road when he breaks down next to a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door and says "my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and go...

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.

"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.

The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.

Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it...

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette go on a road trip

In the middle of the night, their car breaks down next to a farm with an old barn. They decide that, instead of knocking on the door and waking people up in the middle of the night, their going to spend the night in the barn.

In the morning, the girls wake up to the sound of the old farmer wh...

Why a snail cross a road?

We don't know. It hasn't made it across yet.

Two professors of Entire Economics were walking down a road when they saw a dead rat

The older one said - “If you eat this, I’ll pay you $10,000”. The younger one makes a quick cost-benefit analysis and eats the rat.

The younger professor experiences a bad after-taste and wants the older professor to experience the same. Suddenly he sees another dead rat on the road and dare...

Where does a sheep sit in the car during a road trip?

In the Ba a a ack

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A family is on a road trip

When suddenly a dildo bounces off their windshield.

"What was that?" asks the daughter.

"It was just a bug, dear" the mom replies.

"Damn" the son says, "did you see the size of it's dick?"

I had the great honour of being hit by a road roller today.

I feel flattened.

What's a road's favorite condiment?

Tar tar sauce

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Guy pulls into a road-side restaurant after a long day on the road.

Sits at the counter next to another guy, who's hovering over his bowl of chili. The guy is famished and is about to order food, when he leans in and asks the other guy hovering over the bowl, "Say, is that chili any good?"

The hovering guys responds, "Yes."

The traveler, slightly confu...

A man and his dog were walking along a road

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them..

After a while, they came to...

Two city kids take a road trip

Two city kids are taking a road trip deep into the countryside. After a long day of driving, they manage to find a diner, way out in the farmland, and decide to get dinner.

To their amazement, the restaurant is run entirely by cattle. The fry cook is a longhorn. A Holstein takes their order ...

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Schrodinger, Heisenberg and Ohm are all on a road trip...

Schrodinger, Heisenberg and Ohm are all on a roadtrip and they are zooming down a highway on a summer night. Heisenberg is driving, Schrodinger is riding shotgun and Ohm is in the back-seat tinkering with the light. They get pulled over for speeding.

The officer walks over to the driver's si...

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So this panda is driving down a road,

And he sees a prostitute standing on the corner, he thinks ' cor im gonna have some of that' and he stops to pick her up. 'Fancy a good time hun?'
'well i would, but im a panda and i dont have a house'
'i know a place' so he lets her in and they drive off. They get back to hers and make their ...

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Two nuns are travelling down a road late at night

And suddenly a vampire jumps out in front of the car.

The first nun says to the second nun,

"Quick! Show him your cross!"

the second nun then leans out the window and shouts,

"Get the fuck out the way, you pointy mouthed weirdo!"

A bunch of politicians were on a road trip...

....when their bus rolled over into a ditch. The top collapsed and killed a number of them, leaving the rest to die of their injuries. A farmer was the first on the scene and of course called 911 to report the accident.

About 30 minutes later, the local sheriff rolled up with an ambulance to...

A physicist is walking along a road when she looks up at a tall building...

She sees a man on the roof getting ready to jump and shouts out to him, "Don't do it, you have so much potential!"

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There is a road nearby called Berlin Street.

True story, and not quite a joke, but this just happened. All I can say is our daughter pays a lot of attention to things. Anyway, I needed to drop off a letter, and asked my wife, "Isn't the post office on Berlin Street?"

"Yes, but I think I heard it's actually pronounced BERL-in, not ber-LI...

(Tagged NSFW to be on the safe side)This penguin is out in a road trip.

You know, just seein’ the sights, being a tourist.

He gets out on the freeway and really opens ‘er up tearing siwn the road.

Suddenly, his car gives a pop, and smoke starts billowing out of his hood.

Cripes, he thinks, and he pulls off the freeway and slowly works his way to a m...

I peed on a bush in texas during a road trip

Now the secret service is looking for me.

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An elephant and a camel meet on a road

Elephant: Say, why is it you have your breasts on your back?

The camel paused for a second.

Camel: That's an unusual question coming from someone who has a dick on his face.

A daddy hedgehog is teaching his sons how to cross a road

He explains 'if you see a car coming, go to the middle and curl up in a ball, it will pass right over you.' He then demonstrates, walking across the road and, when a car comes, curling up into a ball and letting it pass safely over the top, and then heading to the other side.

He then tells th...

A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.

On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over. One of the bees says, “Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.” It works, until they run out of gas again.

The second bee steps up and says, “Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.” I...

A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill...

...with a touch of laryngitis - but being a dedicated employee he went to work.

The boss felt rather sorry for him and didn't want him to do any physical labor - as they were repairing a part of the freeway. He says, "Why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through t...

Two tomatoes were crossing a road..

One of them looked at the other and said: "Hey, you screwed up the joke!"

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2 Hobo's are walking along a road

They come across a bridge with a man dangling another man by his ankles over the edge.

They rush over and hear "YEP". With that the man is lifted up holding a fish in his hands.

The Hobo's hungry and desperate for food asked if they could have a go and were quickly chased off by the 2 ...

A man and his wife were driving along a road...

(reposted due to an error in the title hahah)

The wife says "I know we've been married for five years, but I want a divorce."

The man speeds up slowly.

The wife opens her mouth again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, I've been having an affair with your best friend...

A large group of Taliban soldiers in Afghanistan are moving down a road when

they hear a Voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Newfoundlander soldier is better than ten Taliban".
The Taliban commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Newfo...

A friend of mine who works as a road repairer was recently accused of theft.

None of us believed it was true, but when I went to see him at his house, all the signs were there!

Two drunk people are walking down a road.

The first one says, "What a beautiful night...look at that bright, full moon." The second man stops and looks at his drunk friends. "You fool, that's the sun, not the moon", he mumbles. Soon, they start arguing.

As they are arguing, they pass by another drunk man. They both stop his ask him,...

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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

What do you get when you cross a road with a chicken?

To the other side

What does a road and a woman have in common?

They both have manholes

A little boy was walking down a road.

A policeman comes up to him and asks him whether he has seen a thief running away.
The little boy says, "Go along this road, and you will come upon and intersection of four roads.
Go along the fourth road, and you will find four wide alleys.
Go in the fourth alley and you will come acros...

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If you build a dozen roads,will they call you a road builder? No. If you raise six wonderful sons, will they call you a child reader? No.

But if you fuck ONE sheep...

Two blondes were driving down a road

After a while they see a blond woman in a field trying to row a boat. Disgusted, one of the blondes said: "It's women like her that make us look dumb." "Agreed", says the other blonde, "she's just lucky that I cannot swim, otherwise I'd swim over to her and punch her in the face..."

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A lawyer is driving at night, on the road to his hometown. Suddenly...

*Thud!*

The lawyer stops the car with fear in his eyes. His heart pumps fast. "Oh my God, did I just roadkill an animal? My name will be stained, forever!"

He leaves his car and goes to check the front. The headlights are illuminating an armadillo, rolled inside his shell. He gives the...

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3 men are speeding down a road

Their names are shut up, manners and crap. They are being chased by the police for speeding. Crap gets scared and jumps out of the car and into the woods next to the road. Manners says "Where's crap" and jumps out of the car and into the woods to look for him. The police officer catches up to the ca...

I took a road trip to Alaska.

I took a trip to Alaska and stopped at a resort that lets you rent out gold pans that let you sort out gold in their river. They let you keep what you find.

Excited, I go out to find some plunder. I sat there searching for hours, and I couldn’t find a single speck.

When I walked into ...

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Four women go on a road trip

No real reason, they just need to blow off some steam.

They pick a random highway and start driving. They're having a great time, laughing and joking the whole time. It's starting to get late, and they see a billboard advertising a hotel for women only.

Intrigued, they take the turnoff...

A prist, a minister and a youth pastor are standing by the side of a road, holding up a sign.

The sign reads "The End Is Near! Turn Back Before It's Too Late!"

Well, along comes a redneck, driving a jacked-up pickup truck and swiggin' a Coors Lite.

He screeches to a halt before the three men of the cloth, surveys their sign for a moment, and bursts into uncontrollable guffaws....

A wife and husband are going on a road trip

After a few hours, the wife decides thay she is tired

Wife: Y'know honey, i think i might take a nap

The husband gives her a nod, and after putting her chair into a comfortable position for sleeping, she dozes off

A while later, she wakes up,and notices that they are completely ...

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I'm not a road builder

Guy #1: You see that house over there? I built that house with me bare hands. Do they call me a house builder? No!

Guy #2: Okay

Guy #1: You see that bridge over there? I built that bridge with me bare hands. Do they call me a bridge builder? No!

Guy #2: Sure

Guy #1: You s...

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