UPJOKE

A Guy Goes To The Doctor Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor because his wife can't orgasm.

The doctor explains his wife is probably over heating and needs to find a way to cool her down.

The guy goes to his best friend and asks him to waft a towel over him and his wife while they have sex to keep them cool.

The friend agrees and the next day he shows up and wafts the towel w...

A guy goes to the doctor.

A guy goes to the doctor.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

A guy goes to the doctor

for his annual medical. “Give it to me straight, doctor. Am I going to live to be 100?”

“Well, do you drink, smoke, do drugs, gamble, drive fast, or mess around with loose women?”

“No, certainly not!”

“Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor. The doctor says "I need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a semen sample."

The guy says, "Look doc, I'm kind of in a hurry. How about I just leave you my underwear?"

A guy goes to the doctor.

Guy: "Doctor, I have a problem. Put your ear next to my left thigh & listen."

Doctor does this & hears a tiny voice: "Lend me $20 please? I'll pay it back next week."

Doctor: "How strange."

Guy: That's nothing. Put your ear next to my left knee."

The doctor obeys...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor

He says, ”You got to help me, Doc! I have the song, “What’s New,Pussycat” stuck in my head. It just keeps going around and around. It’s driving me CRAZY!”

Doctor replies, “Hmmm, that sound like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Tom Jones Syndrome? Is that serious??”

“Well, it’s not unusual....

A guy goes to the doctors.

Doctor: Okay Dave, try not to get an erection during

this prostate exam.

Patient: My name is Steve.

Doctor: I know, I'm Dave.

A guy goes to the doctor

The doctor informs him that he was given a placebo. The guy asks,
“What’s a placebo?”

The doctor replies,
“It’s better if I don’t tell you.”

A guy goes to the doctors.

A guy goes to the doctors complaining of feeling generally unwell. The Doctor examines him, then looks at him and says, 'Well, Mr Jones, it looks like you have Yellow 24'. 'What's that? ' asks Mr Jones, and the doctor explains 'Sadly its not a good prognosis. First you start feeling unwell, as you h...

A guy goes to the doctor...

... and says "I would like to get castrated".

The doctor is confused saying " Are you sure? That's a big step."

But the guy insists, so the doctor performs the operation.

When the guy gets home his wife asks "Did you get vaccinated?"

He slams his head "ahh VACCINATED"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I have a problem"

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday, and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need three Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says "You know, taking Viagra three nights in a row can be very dangerous. I will give them to you on the condi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor with bowel problems

"Doc. My butt just ain't right the past few days." he says.

"Alright," says the doctor.

"Pull your pants down and tell me where it's hurting exactly."

The guy does so, points and says,

"It's particularly painful near the entrance here."

The doctor is taken back and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor

A guy goes to the doctor and tells him: "Listen, I felt a weird lump on one of my balls and all of a sudden it began tingling. Next day I wake up and I got a freakishly huge testicle and a regular one and I have no idea how it got like that."

Doctor: "Well, let's see it."

Guy: "No way,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor because of blue balls.

He comes in to the doctors office and says

"Doctor! Doctor! One of my balls is completely blue! It doesn't hurt, but im really afraid"

The Doctor looks at the patients testicle and agrees that it doesn't look very good. The doctor decides to be on the safe side and removes the patien...

A guy goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him "I'm sorry sir but you only have 3 minutes left to live." The guy says "My god doc, is there anything you can do for me?" and the doctor replies "Well, I could boil you an egg."

A guy goes to the doctor

Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant and we always used protection and the rubber never broke. How is this possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story: "There was once a hunter who always carried a gun where ever he goes. One day he took his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion sud...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor

A guy goes to the doctor for his annual checkup, and the doctor says, "You need to stop masturbating."

"Why?" the man asks.

The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

A guy goes to the doctor.

When they are done with all the checkup they proceed to do the prostate exam.

In the middle of it the doctor says:
-"Don't worry it's perfectly normal to get an erection during a prostate checkup"

Guy: -"But I don't have an erection"

Doc: -"Yes, but I do"

A guy goes to the doctor to get his test results.

"So what's the prognosis, Doctor? Just tell me, I can take it."

"Ten," says the doctor.

"Ten years. Well, it could be worse."

The doctor shakes his head slowly.

"You mean - months? No? Weeks? Please, not just 10 days!"

"Nine," says the doctor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor for a physical. [Long]

The doctor tells him they have a new machine that can diagnose all ailments with 100% accuracy with a urine sample and would like to have him be the first to use it. The guy, curious, agrees.

The guy gives a urine sample and the doctor pours it into the machine. After some beeping and boopin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor, and finds out that he's got chlamydia on his toes...

The Doc says, "Hmmm... what an odd coincidence. Last week I had a woman show up with a case of athletes cunt!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor because he’s been having trouble with his sex life.

The doctor gives him an examination and says: “Look, you’re just out of shape. Run ten miles every day and I guarantee you’ll start to feel better.”

A week later the guy calls his doctor back and says “Gee thanks for the advice doc, I’ve been running ten miles a day and I feel great!”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Guy Goes to the Doctor

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.

The doctor looks at it and says, “I haven’t ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?” The man says no.

The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc my pecker has turned orange".

The doctor takes a look and says, "I've never seen anything like this before. We'll have to run some tests to see if you have been poisoned or something. Where do you work, a chemical plant?"

The guy answers, "No. As a matter of fact I've been out of work for a couple of months now, and I've ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to Doc because his dick is orange.

A guy goes to the doctor because his dick is orange;

Doctor looks at it and say, “yep, it’s orange alright”

Guy says, “why is it orange doc? What could it be?”

Doc thinks for a minute… then asks the guy, “do you work around dyes or paints or anything like that?”

Guy says,...

A guy goes to the doctor with a sore leg....

The doctor runs the normal tests and takes some x-rays. Unable to find the problem he finally decides to listen to the leg with his stethoscope, at the knee he hears "hey give me $5" at the calf he hears "hey give me $10" at the ankle he hears "hey give me$15". He takes off the stethoscope, looks up...

A guy goes to the doctor:

“Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”

Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”

Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor

A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.

The doctor examines the guy's knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, "Well,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor (NSFW)

A guy goes to the doctor and he says:
"Doc, you gotta help me! I wake up in the morning and I fuck my wife. Then on the way to work I carpool with the neighbours wife and she blows me! I get to work and I fuck one of the girls on the photocopier. Coffee break I fuck the bosses wife. Lunch brea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor for his test results...

The doc pulls out the patient’s file and says “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

The guy sighs and says, “Well, what’s the bad news?”

“You’ve been eating so much salami, pepperoni, corned beef, bacon, chorizo and prosciutto that you’ve developed a very rare fatal disease.”

“Wha...

A guy goes to the doctor...

He says, "Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye."
The doctor asks, "Did you take out the spoon?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor..

Guy: “Doctor, whenever i have sex with my wife my dick gets stuck inside her”

Doctor: “That’s impossible”
Guy: “but Its true!! ”

The doctor doesn’t know what to do so he gives him some medicine

The guy returns the next day and tells the doctor that the medicines didn’t hel...

A guy goes to the doctor for a respiratory ailment...

...He says he's been coughing day and night for a week. His throat hurts all the time and he can't sleep.

The doctor examines him and notices he has a very distinct cough. "You're in luck," the doctor says. "Your illness is rare, but I happen to know of an excellent treatment for it. It may s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor's...

He tells the doctor he is constipated. The doctor prescribes him some suppositories and tells him to come back in two days. Two days pass. The guy goes back to the doctor and the doctor asked him how everything worked out. He says "doc, with all the good they've done me I might as well have shoved t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor and asks if there is a test to determine if he's gay...

The doctor replies, "Why, yes, there is. Drop your pants".

The doc puts on his rubber gloves and grabs the guy's balls and ays to him, "Say 44". The guy looks at the doc and says, "44".

The doc takes the guy's dick in his hand and says to him, "Say 44".The guy looks at the doc and says...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[for the Aussies & cricket fans] A guy goes to the doctor...

...Doctor: what’s the matter?

Patient: doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my ass (arse for the Aussies)

Doctor: how’s that?

Patient: don’t you start

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.