UPJOKE

A Good Jokes

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A good percentage of my friends are Nazis

That percentage is zero, that’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to have

Edit: Holy SHIT I did not expect this to blow up lmfao thank you for the awards!
and fuck da haterz

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

It's a good thing Elon didn't acquire Reddit, otherwise

(Your post was removed by Reddit admins, and your account was suspended)

What’s a good name for a detective?

Mr. E

* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind

I’ve always believed that a good speech is like a girls mini skirt…

... Short enough to get everyone's attention and long enough to cover the most important bits!!

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A good percentage of my friends are Nazis...

0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.

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I need a good Knock Knock joke.

A profile on a dating profile had the prompt "I'm funnier than you," so my opener was "Knock Knock." And now I'm fucked cause I don't actually know any decent ones other than the Randy Feltface one, which doesn't work with text.

Edit: Picked one. Let's see how it goes. I did not pick any of t...

What's the difference between a good joke and

A bad joke timing

Antiwork did an interview on Fox News to try to create a good public image of their sub

It didn't work.

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

A girlfriend is like a good US president

I’d love to have one

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

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A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. ...

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

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a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

I’ve met a fairy once and it granted me a choice; to have a big p*nis or a good memory…

I don’t remember what did i choose though

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Why are wonka's a good name for testicles?

Because they're located in between a Willy and a chocolate factory

An older joke but a good one- A frog goes into the bank…

and hops up to a teller. He can see from her name plate that she is called Patricia Whack,
so he says "Ms. Whack, I'd like to borrow $30,000, please."
The teller asks for his name and the frog replies that he is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and a personal friend of the bank manager. Unc...

A good joke to ask another person

person 1: What is the unit of measurement used to measure electricity

person 2: What?

person 1: Correct!

What's a good brand name for a tofu sausage?

Not dog

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Do you guys know what makes the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

The Pizza

Wait no fuck...

I meant the delivery

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A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date...

Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two

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What’s a good title for necrophilia porn?

Good mourning.

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

A lot of women are turning into good drivers.

So, if you're a good driver, watch out for turning women!

Yeterday I found 20$ on the street on my way home. As a good cristian I thought “What would Jesus do”…

… so I turned it into wine.

What’s a quality you look for in a good lawyer?

Lie-ability

(Just getting started in comedy and want to test a few of my jokes here).

Im a good man, I give 50% of my money to charity

Except when she’s not working I give it to destiny .

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A good bar joke that always makes women laugh

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of ...

[Translated] A man saw a good deal and bought 20 panties of the same pattern and color to his wife.

Wife : Oh My God,now people will think I never change my panties.

Husband : Which people?

(Hope the joke didnt get lost in translation)

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman

But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.

What did roman soldier say on a Good Friday?

Nailed it!

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking...

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A good sex

Husband: Wanna have some really good sex?

Wife: Sure, but I thought your friend Dave was out of town?

Husband: What?

Wife: What?

Dave: *From inside the closet* What?

There are 3 keys to make a good joke

CTRL, C and V

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

Good book is like a good puppy

A good book is like a good puppy, easy to pick up but hard to put down

What’s a good name for a bra made by Spanx?

Spanx For The Mammaries.

What's the difference between a good listener and a kidnapper?

A good listener takes people seriously.



A kidnapper seriously takes people.

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Does anyone know a good dick joke?

I do. But if I type it out on here, it would be too shlong.

A good Internet Explorer joke. [Long]

Loading...

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A good software project is like a fart.

With too much pressure it'll turn to shit.

What's the difference between a good Accountant and a great Accountant?

A good Accountant knows 2+2=4, a great Accountant asks "what do you want it to be?"

Red Skelton's advice for a good marriage. Lesson 1:

Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

How does a computer respond to a good joke?

101

It's important to develop a good vocabulary.

If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven"...

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me.....

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I was in the confessional booth today and I asked the priest if he thought it might be a good idea to stop masturbating.

He said “Sure, if it bothers you, I’ll stop.”

I think it’s a good idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

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[NSFW] Why is it a good idea to learn how to masturbate?

It comes in handy.

It's a well known fact that humorists are more intelligent than the run of the mill average joe on the street. It's also a well known fact that it's not always a good idea to flaunt those extra smarts.

One day, the royal court was lounging around in a bored state. Without thinking, the jester suddenly voiced an opinion, "You know, there are times when the apology for an offense is worse than the original action."

The king immediately glowers and says, "If you can't prove that, Jester, I thi...

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During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."...

A good mom let's you lick the batter off the mixer.

A great mom turns off the mixer first.

My 8-years old finally came up with a good joke after many bad ones.

Him: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: Why?

Him: To get to some idiot's house.

Him: Knock knock.

Finally found a good joke about trickle down economics.

I’m afraid most you you won’t get it.

There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.

Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. Being a good shot, no one could argue with him.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

He said that he was willing to prove it if they would pay for the drinks a...

I tried to come up with a good joke about vampires but couldn’t.

They all suck.

What do you call a gangster who’s always on the hunt for a good deal?

Al Coupon

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I thought they testicle convention would be a good place to relax and unwind, but...

...it was just nuts!

It's hard to find a good partner in most of the US

But in Alabama, you can find a partner with relative ease

None of us thought that our friend Opie would be a good mailman.

But Opie delivered.

What does the German say when you show him a good meme?

Danke.

My dads best piece of advice growing up was "you only get one chance to make a good first impression"

I've always gone with Schwarzenegger, it's recognisable and its always a crowd pleaser

A good number of my friends are racist.

Precisely zero - and that is a good number.

Why did Aaron Paul do such a good job portraying Jesse Pinkman in Breaking Bad?

Because he’s a meth-head actor.

a good girl should be like a sun, she should light up your life and..

Go down on you everyday.

People say I'm a good swimmer

That's why I was born, and my brother wasn't

Manager: Why would you make a good waiter at my restaurant?

Me: I bring a lot to the table.

I have a good joke about the ozone layer

[depleted]

A good workman doesn't blame his fools

\*tools.

Stupid keyboard.

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Pornography is like a good sausage

As long as you don't know what went into making it, you can enjoy it.

What quality did Vincent Van Gogh have that would have made him a good counsellor?

He had the quality of lending an ear.

do you think this is a good one

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

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A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island.

The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.

The three start to build a watchtower. The stranger offers to take first watch.

While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No sex on the beach! G...

Does anybody know where I can find a good family cooking book?

It's not easy shopping when you're a cannibal.

God said a good woman would be found in one of the four corners of the Earth

Then God made the world round.

We hoped for a good clean World Cup Final.

But instead we got a Messi one.

Congrats to Argentina.

My boss told me to have a good day

So I left.

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