A Bike Jokes - 71 Hilarious A Bike Jokes

Every morning when I go out of my house, a bike comes out of nowhere and tries to attack me.

It’s a ..vicious cycle.

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Saw a kid riding a bike today that I thought was mine

I checked my basement and sure enough he was still in there.

A young kid parks a bike near the Houses of Parliament and walks on...

A police constable stops him and asks: "Why did you park your bike here? You don't know about this road? MPs, Lords, and Civil Servants pass by here daily!"

The kid replied, smiling: "No worries, I've locked my bike."

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A little girl gets a bike for Christmas one year.

All excited, she immediately takes the bike out to ride it.

A cop passing by says to the little girl, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and sa...

I asked God for a bike, but I knew God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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Sex is like riding a bike...

People don't like it when you do it on the sidewalk.

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

A tire

Why can't Timmy ride a bike?

Because Timmy is a goldfish.

(My 8 year old's favorite joke.)

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The guys were on a bike tour.

No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "M...

I went to the liquor store on a bike once

I bought a bottle of an expensive scotch, but I was worried I would tip over on my bike on my way home, and break the bottle. So instead, I drank the entire bottle before I got on the bike. Turned out to be a very good decision, as I tipped over at least 10 times on my way home.

When I was young, I used to pray to the Lord everyday to give me a bike.

But then I realised it doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.

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A traffic policeman stops some boys on a bike.

"Hey, why are there three of you riding a single bike at once? Don't you know it's illegal?"

"Three?! Holy shit, guys, did Jake fall off somewhere??"

I got pulled over for riding a bike drunk

I got pulled over by the cops for riding a bike drunk. The cop asks me; "what do you think you're doing riding a bike drunk?"

So I told him, " I'm too drunk to drive, and every time I try and walk I fall down. So I stole the bike"

Anyhow, long story short, I need bail money.

Saw a kid riding a bike that looked the same as mine in my neighborhood

I freaked out and went to my garage. Luckily he was still there; chained up and begging for food.

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Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike

My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders

What Do You Call a Doctor Riding a Bike?

Doxycycline

[OC] What do you call an Orc on a bike?

A Mordorcyclist

What's the difference between a vacuum and a lawyer on a bike?

The vacuum has the dirtbag on the inside.

Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with ...

Why does a bike have a kickstand?

Because its to (2) tired

A mathematician arrives at work on a bike

His colleague asks "Where did you get the bike?"

"That's really curious. Imagine, I was walking down the road, suddenly that young woman comes along on this bike, jumps off, takes her dress off 'til she's naked and says "Take what you want". So I took the bike."

"Makes sense", his coll...

I saw an ad looking for a bike for an 11 year old boy.

Terrible trade. He eats a ton and is not a hard worker.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

A hetero couple posted to r/twoXchromosomes to settle a dispute. One spouse had given their child a bike riding lesson but left the bike in the driveway. The other then backed their car over the bike. Who was at fault—the spouse who left the bike there or the spouse who didn’t check behind them?

The subreddit overwhelming responded: The husband.

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What's the difference between 100,000 political jokes and a kid falling off a bike.

I still laugh every time I see a kid fall off a bike....
(For real this shit just ain't funny anymore fellas.)

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I bought my Son a bike for his birthday.

He started screaming and crying about it.

Just because he's in a wheelchair doesn't excuse the fact that he's an ungrateful little shit.

I yelled “Cow!” at a woman on a bike...

She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.

-Edit: Thank you kind stranger. My first gold!

My partner laughed at me when I told her I was going to make a bike out of Macaroni

You should've seen her face when I cycled pasta.

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I just yelled "Cow" to a girl in a bike, she then turned around and called me " Fucking idiot".

Thereafter she bikes straight into the cow. I tried to warn her..

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Three men on a bike

Three men were travelling on the same bike when they were caught by a policeman.
"Don't you know it's illegal for more than 2 people to travel on a bike? Why are there three of you?"

"Three?! Shit, where's James?!"

Just got a bike for my wife.

It was a good trade.

A man is sitting in his sports car at the traffic lights when a little girl on a bike asks him if he wants to race

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves the little girl in the dust.

A few seconds later though, he sees something gaining on him in his mirror, *fast.* He just barely catches a glimpse of the little girl on her bike a...

A teenager rolled up to the Mexican border on a bike...

He had a sack of sand in his hand.

"What's in the sack?" asked the border patrol officer

"Just sand," said the kid.

The officer didn't believe him, so he opened the sack up to find just sand. The officer dumped the sack empty and dug through it but he only saw sand. He even took...

A deaf man had a bike helmet that would vibrate if there was a loud noise from behind him to alert him of any vehicle’s presence

I guess you could call it his handy cap

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I have two moms, one of them rides a bike to work and the other goes by car.

Bike ma is usually nice to me, but car ma's a bitch.

2 engineers on a bike

two engineers were biking across a university campus when one said,"where did you get such a great bike?" the second engineer replied, "well, i was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said...

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The police knocked on my door and told me my dog was chasing some fella on a bike.

I said fuck off my dog ain't even got a bike.

Two nuns went for a bike ride and ride down a cobble stone street

One says "I haven't come this way before".
The other says "neither have I just hold on and enjoy it"

A cop is making a report on a bike crash

A cop is walking on the scene of a bike crash making a report:

- A hand in the field.

- A leg in the field.

- Torso in the field.

- Head on the aslhl... asplh... ashl...

He kicks the head.

- Head in the field.

I took a bike-ride to the bottle shop today to get a bottle of red wine then headed home. I thought to myself, 'What if I fell off and my bottle broke?’ So I drank it all before I cycled home.

That turned out to be a wise decision because I fell off seven times before I got to our house.

What do you call a mass murderer on a bike?

A Cyclepath.

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My girlfriend told me I look "uncool" with a bike helmet on..

Well you know I'd rather look uncool than fall and split my head open during sex.

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2 Bicyclists are riding down a bike path

The bike path goes by a lake, and through some trees. It's a moderately traveled path, but gets its fair share of riders. The bicyclists in question were riding down it on an otherwise pleasant day, when suddenly they reach a rough patch in the path. It looks contorted and discolored from the rest o...

Border patrol stops a man on a bike

One day a bicycle rider stops at a border control.

On top of the man’s bike are two bags of powder like substances.

The border control Police demand that he open the bags so they can see what’s inside. When the man did cut the bags open, inside was nothing but sand.

The border c...

Why can’t a bike stand on its own?

Because it’s two tired.

What do you call someone who's representing a bike shop?

A spokesperson.

I have a bike with no seat. It hurts to ride, and no one wants to buy it because it has no seat. So I'm stuck riding this bike.

It's a vicious cycle.

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What do you call a nun on a bike?

Virgin mobile

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a bike.

Then I learned that prayers don't work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness!

A child from a poor family wanted a bike for Christmas

so he asked his mother. His mother replied, 'Well, I can't afford one so you'll just have to go ask the baby Jesus.'

The boy went to his room, got a stack of refill and a pen and began writing: 'Dear Baby Jesus, I've been good all year, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.'

The...

Bob was riding a bike. Bob fell off the bike. Why did Bob fall off?

Someone threw a washing machine at him

What do you call a teddy bear who rides a bike everywhere?

Schwinnie The Pooh

Little Johnny wants a bike

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning...

I got a bike for my girlfriend

Best trade i have ever made.

Doing math after years out of school is like riding a bike

It's no fun when you run into something hard.

What do you call a bike with a codebreaking dog on it, holding a gun?

A fetch-decode-execute cycle.

What would a bike say after a long drive?

I'm two tyred.

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There is a little boy who wants a bike..

So he goes and asks his mom for a bike to which she replies that maybe if he prays, god will bring him a bike.

So he sits down and writes Jesus a letter .." Dear jesus, if you give me a bike I wont sin for 1 year.."

He walks down to the mailbox but before leaving the house sees his mot...

My brother owns a bike company.

He has spent years building it from nothing and always looked down on me for wasting my life away making puns.
Out of sympathy, he offered me a job in public relations and says with the money I'd be making, I won't have to work after 40.

I told him no thanks. I know the spokesperson never...

A guy walks into a bike store with his overweight wife

He tells the clerk, “I’d like a bicycle built for two, and one for me. “

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Losing my virginity was a lot like riding a bike for the first time.

My dad was holding me from behind.

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Santa brings a boy a bike..

A little boy was riding his new bike and he comes to a corner where there is a cop on a horse.

The cop looks down at the boy and says, "Hey, that's a neat bike. Did Santa bring you that bike for Christmas?"

The boy smiles and replies, "Yes, yes he did!!"

The cop gets down off...

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Learning to ride a bike is like losing your virginity...

No matter how many years go by, you never forget the feeling of your dads hands on your shoulders as he pushes.

The police came to my house earlier and said my dog has chased someone on a bike.

I said, "You must be joking. My dog hasn't got a bike."

*(Reposted because I completely messed up the punchline in the original post, and have only just realised.)*

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I just saw a guy riding a bike while trying to sell a donkey.

He was peddling his ass all over town.

Got my friend William to petal a bike connected to my TV.

You could say it runs on Will power.

What do you call a bike trail for crazy people?

A cycle path

I used to take naps on a bike until someone stole the tires

They really messed with my sleep cycle.

Why shouldn't you throw a rock at a Mexican riding a bike?

Because that might be your bike

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A police officer on a bike route sees 2 men arguing.

The officer slows down to observe, and to see if the argument would become violent. The 2 men are bitter, and get louder by the minute. Suddenly, they both reach into their pockets. The first man pulls out some sodium chloride and throws it at the second man, while the second man get a 9 volt and 2 ...

When you build a bike with old parts

Is it called Recycling?

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