UPJOKE

9 Inch Jokes

I bang my wife with a solid 9 inches everyday

3 inches in the morning

3 inches in the afternoon

3 inches in the evening



It adds up :)

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My wife and I are a perfect match.

For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up.

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I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

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Translated this joke from my native language...

A guy say (Billy) who had very small penis, came to know about a guy. who knew a word, which upon saying penis grows by some inches.



Billy went there, that guy sat on a hill, and to climb that hill, there was a rope. So Billy started climbing that hill, upon climbing, the man asked B...

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

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Saw an ad about dildos. It said ‘9 inches and realistic’.

I was like ‘well, which is it?’

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What does a man with a 9 inch penis eat for breakfast?

Well, Right now I'm frying up some eggs, got some toast in the toaster and the coffees brewing.

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9 Inch Pianist

A man walks into a bar with a bag. He pulls out a small piano, bench, and a tiny piano player, who begins to play songs on the miniature piano.

The Bartender, intrigued, asks the man where he got it. The man proceeds to show the bartender an old genie bottle. He rubs it, and out pops an old, ...

I gave my girlfriend 9 inches last night.

It's a good thing she accepts installment payments.

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My girlfriend wanted me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt.

So I fucked her three times then slapped her.

9 inches

Seeing a gorgeous woman sitting at the bar, my friend walks up to her and says "How about we go up to my room and I'll slip you nine inches?" The woman looks him up and down and says "I don’t think you can get it up three times."

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

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9 Inches [Long-ish]

A guy walks into the bar when he sees a man pull out his wallet, and from the wallet a very small man jumps up playing a piano and returns to the wallet. The guy, astounded by what he just saw, asks the man "How did you get that person into your wallet playing the tiny piano?" the man responds "well...

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Just before my girlfriend and I had sex for the first time...

I told her I was gonna give her 9 inches. Just as long as she was willing to take 3 inch payments

A man walks into a bar, takes a small piano out of his bag and then a tiny man. the tiny man starts playing the piano.

The bartender asks the gentleman "what's up"?
The gentleman explains how he found a magic lamp with a genie inside and he grants wishes. The gentleman says if you give me a couple free drinks I will gladly let you make a wish.
The bartender thinks, ok what's the worst that can happen.
The b...

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There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.

The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the water it's a 32 degrees Celsius".


The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature i...

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A black guy, a white guy, and an asian guy are speeding

They get pulled over by a cop, who decides to humor them. They won't get a ticket if their penis sizes add up to 20 inches. The black guy's dick is 10 inches, the white guy's is 9 inches, and the asian guy's is 1 inch. As they drive away, the black guy says "you're lucky my dick was 10 inches", the ...

Finally mustered up the confidence to measure my peen

Thought it was 9 inches until I realized I was measuring with the wrong end of the ruler.

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I want to marry your daughter

A man approaches a farmer to ask to marry his daughter whom he has been dating. "Whoever marries my daughter must have a 10 inch penis" the farmer says. They measure it and it's 7 inches. The father likes the young man and says "Go out to the barn. There is a cow there. Ride her for an hour and that...

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A man walks into a bar with a briefcase

He asks the bartender
“If I showed you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen would you give me a free drink?”
The bartender replies “yeah, why not, but it has to be pretty amazing.”
The man takes out his briefcase and opens it for the bartender. Inside is a 9 inch tall man with a miniatur...

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Soldier at a bar

A soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter. "I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed. "What happened?", his bu...

A lady goes into a butcher shop

A lady goes into a butcher show and orders a 9 inch tongue.



The butcher says "I get off at 6."



The lady says "I don't get off at all. That's why I'm buying a a 9 inch tongue."

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3 men shipwrecked on desert island

(Beer garden banter joke. Works best when you use yourself and people you know as the protagonists, just replace names and choose the butt of the joke)

3 men get shipwrecked on a desert island.
Their boat ruined they head in-land to find salvation, when out of the trees lunges a huge 7 fo...

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Three men are walking through the jungle, Mr. A, Mr. B and Mr. C.

Three men are walking through the jungle, Mr. A, Mr. B and Mr. C.

Suddenly the 3 men are surrounded by a group of natives and quickly escorted back to the tribal leader.

The tribal leader says "in order to survive you must pass a test. If the total length of your penises doesn't add up...

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There's a man with a 15 inch penis...

This is a problem so he goes to the doctor to see what he can do about size reduction. The doctor says "sir, I can't do anything about it here. But I do know of a magic frog. Go into the woods, find the frog and ask it to marry you. Every time it says no, your penis will decrease by 3 inches."
<...

One way ticket to hell

What is Jesus favorite rock band?

9 inch nails

Why can't women park cars?

Because they've been lied to about what 9 inches is their whole life.

An Undertaker just came home from work

Undertaker: Honey, I'm home. You won't believe the guy I prepared for the funeral today, He's got 9 inches long and 2 inches in diameter of.....

Wife: NOOOoooo! Jeffrey's dead!

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Three men are crossing a bridge

A black man, an Asian man, and a Jew are crossing a bridge. Right under the bridge, a troll pops out and tells them, "You may only cross this bridge if your combined penis lengths are at least 17 inches."

So the black man pulls it out and it's 9 inches.

The Jew is 6 inches.

The ...

It’s normally a father’s greatest joy to see his son laughing and smiling.

It’s just that he does it while stabbing a doll with 9 inch carving knife.

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The Telemarketer

A telemarketer is making calls when a gentleman answers. "Good evening sir, how are you? I am calling today to--" when the man who answers interrupts him. He said, "Hold on now, first *I* have some questions for *you*." Amused, the telemarketer allows him to ask the questions. The man asks "Wha...

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A newspaper boy knocks on a woman's door to collect his money

The woman answers the door wearing a very sheer negligee. He asks for his two dollars and she says she has no cash on her, but maybe they can work something out.

The newspaper boy sighs and unzips his pants to reveal an 9 inch cock. They get down to business but the newspaper boy is only pu...

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The was once a man with a 15 inch penis.

The man, however, isn't happy with it, because his wife says it hurts. Distraught, he goes on a walk, where he meets a leprechaun. The leprechaun, feeling generous and knowing of his problem (because leprechauns are all-knowing) agrees to shrinking his penis by 3 inches if he can get the hottest gir...

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Wife complains she doesn't enjoy sex with husband because his penis is too small

aghast and offended the husband runs and gets a standard 12 inch ruler to measure up.
"Ha!" he cries "I knew it was big but I didn't know it was that big! 9 inches! look!"
the wife looks and says:
"you're holding the ruler upside down."

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A man tries to pick up a woman from the bar. [NSFW]

Man: Hey baby, what's it gonna take for me to take you home?

Woman: I want 9 inches and I want it to hurt.

Man: How about I fuck you 3 times and hit you with a chair?

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A Man and His Problem

A man had an extraordinary problem. He had a 15 inch penis. Naturally, it caused him great inconvenience in his daily life, so he wished to shorten his penis. He went to many a doctor, but they all confessed that it was beyond them to fix him. Having lost all hope, as a last resort he visited a wit...

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15 Inches

An Asian man, a black man, and a white man are sitting in a bar when a thug busts in and pulls out a gun. He demands everyone to empty their valuables into his bag or he will shoot them but no one moves. Confused, the thug asks why they aren't moving and the Asian tells him that they are all really ...

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My favorite joke involving an old woman and a dildo

An old woman walked into a sex shop and approached the clerk behind the cash register.

"Excuse me young man, do you sell dildos here?" She asked the clerk.

The clerk was of course surprised to see such an old woman in the shop, but still managed to be polite and replied "Yes we do ma'...

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I was supposed to be filming a porno but I was late to the set.

The cameraman phoned me up and said, "Will you be long?"

I said, "Yes, around 9 inches."

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Three friends get lost in the jungle...

So three guy friends on vacation in South America get lost in the jungle.

Eventually after hours wandering and near death. The trio find themselves on a remote area of farmland where Coca plants are being grown.

Before long they get caught by the local drug lord who owns the land and ...

A man walks into a bar

On his way to the counter he sees a very tiny man playing the piano. Weird, he says to himself, but he doesn't think much of it.

When he gets to the counter, he sees that the bartender is absent, so he sits down to wait. Just as he sits down, a genie appears.

"I can grant you one wish...

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A man walks into a podiatrist and whaps his cock out

The staff look at him and say "thats not a foot"
"No but its a good 9 inches"

Bu-dum-tissh

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Conditions

A man was sitting in a pub when all of a sudden the most beautiful woman ever walked up to the bar and sat down next to him. The man immediately asked her what the conditions would be to make her his wife. 'Three things' she said 'First you would need a huge house with a swimming pool, second an exp...

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Getting my feet measured today

And a guy walks up and pulls his dick out and asks to be measured. The lady looked at him and said "Sir, we measure feet here and THAT is not a foot." He replied "you're probably right, but I bet it's a good 9 inches."

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Biggest guy I've ever seen

So I was on my way to the bank to ask for a loan. I got into the elevator and it stops on the second floor. As the doors open a huge man ducks down to get into the elevator. I gulp and attempt to ask what floor? A hand the size of a diner plate reaches over and hits the close door button. This gi...

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Kinky Sex

A man at a bar sees a stunning brunette and asks if he can buy her a drink.
She replies "Look buddy, i know what you're trying to do here and let me just tell you that I scare a lot of men because i'm so kinky."
He says "I'm pretty kinky myself, perhaps we could see if we're compatible."
Ov...

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Lose weight with this one weird trick!

Man goes to a fitness center, sees a sign on the door that says "Lose 5 pounds in one day! Only $10 to sign up!" So he pays ten dollars and enters. Inside there's an amazing attractive woman wearing nothing but running shoes and she says "If you catch me, you can have your way with me." The man chas...

How to Kill an Eel

"Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnn...

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