UPJOKE

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A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. “You know what” says 7 year old “I think its time we started swearing…

A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7 year old
"I think its time we started swearing.
When we go downstairs for breakfast I'lI swear first then you".
"OK" says 4 year old.
Mum asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'II have Coco pops, bitch"....

My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:

"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?"

"Erm, I don't know" I replied

"Mickey Mouse" he replied laughing

"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs"

"Donald Duck" I replied

"No, all ducks you idiot"

From my 7 year-old son: What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?

You.

Why I oughta...!

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.

Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

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A 7 year old goes to a brothel...

and slaps a $10 dollar bill on the counter and says, "Give me a hooker!"

The madame, looked amused and says, "Get lost kid."

The kid then slaps a $50 on the counter and says, "Give me a hooker!!"

The madame raises an eyebrow, but before she could say anything the kid slaps a $...

My 7 year old son came up with this please be kind.

Why did the icecream have an umbrella?... because there were to many sprinkles!

My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?

Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

Break a mirror, 7 years of bad luck.

Break a condom, your bad luck will probably outlive you.

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A 7 year old and a 5 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 5 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says,

'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 5 year old, agrees with enth...

Knock-knock joke told to me by a 7 year old kid:

Knock-knock

Who's there?

Doris

Doris who?

Doris locked that's why I'm knocking!

An original joke from my 7 year old daughter

Did you hear the joke about the piece of paper?

Don’t worry about it, it’s tearable!


{I’m sure someone in history has used this pun, but I was pretty impressed with her effort!}

A 7 year old kid happily asks him mum

Kid: Mummy, why am I getting my Christmas present on 18th August?

Mum: Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy, son.

Courtesy of my 7 year old - What happens if you don't eat a balanced diet?

You will tip over

A dad and his his 7 year old son

A dad and his so were playing Minecraft one day, and the son asked his dad what should he never do in Minecraft?

The dad answers, go into creative mode because that ruins the game.

He stares his dad dead in the eyes and says, No dad DON’T SPEND YOUR DIAMONDS ON HOES!

A mom is walkin with her 7 years old son when...

...suddenly the kid said:

"Mom, what is dark humor?"

The woman thought for a second or two and said:

"Son, you see that guy across the street? The one with both arms missing?"

The boy said:

"How can I see him, Mommy? I am blind!"

After 7 years of marriage I figured this out that....

... it's all "psychological".

There is one psycho and there's one logical.

My 7 year old daughter comes up with a lot of jokes. Most are terrible but occasionally she'll stumble upon gold like this one...

What is bread's favourite music?


Lo-fi

My friend graduated from medical school after 7 years.

He then got a job at his local clinic, but shortly got fired after that for sleeping with his patients!

He was one of the most promising veterinarians in our class

I haven’t talked to my wife in 7 years.

I just don’t want to interrupt her.

Riddle told by a 7 year old just now...

I go up and down so you can go in and out.

What am I?









A garage door.

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A woman, her 7 years old and a Taxi driver.

A woman and her 7 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls were standing by the roadside.

The Boy asked; "Mummy, what are all those women doing?."

His Mother replied; "They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work."

The Taxi driver...

My 7 year old's first comeback line

My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes.

We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said - oh I really w...

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A woman is bathing her 7 year old son, the kid looks at his wrinkled ballsack and asks...

Mom, is this my brain?

The mother replies: not yet son, not yet...

A guy was nailing his interview and the employer said "well application looks great but there's a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened?"

The guy says "oh I went to yale",
The employer: Oh great your hired you start Monday.

Guy: "Yay I got a yob!"

Original I think from my 7 year old

I need to know if he really came up with this on his own, he promises he did.

What do you call famous skeletons?

Pop skullture!

What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in 7 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

Also from my 7 year old nephew: What is it called when Olaf is crying?

A meltdown.

JOKE from my 7 year old

Guy 1 -"Sir do you have any hotdogs?"

Guy 2 - "No why?"

Guy 1- "Then why is your dog on fire?"

Guy 2 - "WOT O.o"

My 7 year old told me this one (sfw)

Why does the duck have feathers?
To cover it's quack hole!

caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend.

I caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend, whom I had known since preschool. I can't believe they'd do this to me.

Listen, I'm not a bad guy. I'll grant you that my wife was upset that I was always beating her, and my best friend? He was simply jealous of how much money and pro...

For 7 years i was addicted to the hokey pokey.

Then i turned myself around...because that's what it's all about.

From my 7 year old nephew: What's the difference between a cat and a frog?

A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.

7 years on reddit and all I got was this joke

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
Wow, ty reddit for this lyrical blast, left me smitten with the bot that wrote it to me.

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A man is at the supermarket with his 7 year old son when they walk past the condoms

The boy asks: 'Daddy, what are those?', to which the man replies 'Those are condoms son'. 'What are they for?', asks the boy. His dad replies 'To, ehhm ah eh, protect you from diseases'.
'Why do they sell them in packs of 3, 6 and 12?'.
'Well, the packs of 3 are for 16 year olds. One for fri...

From my 7 year old son: Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!

Yesterday I was in the zoo with my 7 year old son

As we walked by the tiger enclosure, I told him how dangerous it is.

He looked up at me asked, “dad, if the tiger where to get out and eat you...”

Preparing to comfort him I waited patiently.

“Which bus should I take to get home again?”

Statisticians give low paid workers an expected life of 68.7 years

That's mean

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The 4 year old and the 7 year old

There was two brothers. One was 4 and one was 7. One night the older brother said to the younger one "I believe that we are old enough to swear now. In The morning we will both say a swear word to mum. Ill go first then you do it." The little brother agreed to this.

The next morning the mom a...

My 7 year old daughters new favourite joke..

Daughter - Mum, will you always and forever remember my name?

Me - Yes.....?

Daughter - knock, knock..

Me - who's there?

Daughter - you said you'd always remember my name!

(Daughter walks off in a theatrical sulk.
It's been a week.. I still fall for it almost da...

Joke from a 7 year old

This is from my 7 years old kid:

What do you call a rabbit's poo?

Disgusting carrot.

I asked my 7 year old, "Why do you have chocolate all over your face?"

He said, "Saving it for leftovers."

That boy cracks me up.

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A lady and her 7 year old son..

A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restaurant.

In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success.

The boy begins to turn blue. The desper...

Trey Parker goes back in time to his 7 year old self at Casa Bonita...

Look, in the future you are going to have a very successful TV show for over 20 years, over 4 movies, Broadway accolades and a billion dollars. Also, you own Casa Bonita now.
And his 7 year old self says with excitement "I'm gonna own Casa Bonita?!"

Me: “Dude, I can’t believe that 2017 was 7 years ago.”

Friend:”What do you mean, 7 years ago is like 2013..”

Me:”That’s why I ain’t believing it.”

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There's a 4 year old and a 7 year old.

The 7 year old says, "Hey, let's say bad words!" The 4 year old says okay, so they go downstairs. They see their mom and she asks the boys what they want. The 7 year old says, "Give me some god damn Reese's Puffs." The mom slaps him and asks the 4 year old what he wants. The 4 year old says, "You be...

A conversation with my 7 year old brother.

"Look at all of these beautiful horse"

"Horses"

"Horse is already plural, isn't it?"

"You're thinking of elk"

"Holy mooses, you're right"

My 7 year old daughter just told me this

What do you watch when you’re brushing my hair?

Tangled

From the 7 year old nephew: Why didn't the volcano eat dinner?

Because its plates were broken.

A 13 month old baby breaks a mirror, giving it 7 years of bad luck.

The good news, his mom is an anti-vaxxer.

My 7 year old told me this joke. I hadn't heard it before - What does a camel use to hide itself?

Camelflage

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7 years old boy returns bag to police with $12000 inside bag

I hope my kids arent this fucking stupid

My Dad left to buy milk 7 years ago

He came back 15 minutes later but still.

My 7 year old daughter drops this joke on me.

What kind of bee's make milk?


Boo-bee's

Old joke i heard about 7 years ago

A girl called snowflake approaches her mother and asks her why shes called snowflake,the mother responds:"When you were born it was snowing and a snowflake fell on your head". Then,her sister who's name is handkerchief asks her mom the same thing,her mother responds:"When you were born a woman was ...

Wife: I'm afraid our Neighbour died

Husband: Who, Ray?

Wife: It's inappropriate to cheer when someone dies


(My 7 year old came up with this joke)

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What do you call a 7 year old redneck girl who can run faster than her brothers?

A virgin.

My 7 year old asked me "Is up shut a bad word?"

I replied "Ahh no?"

He replied "But it's the reverse of shut up!"with a huge grin.

Reddit he wanted me to share his first joke with everyone.

My 7 year old just came up with these Avatar: The Last Airbender jokes. We were quite surprised.

What kind of music does Toph like?

- Rock-and-Roll


What kind of instrument does Aang play?

- Air guitar


I know it’s not much, but I got a kick out of his reasoning and decided to share.

My wife and I have been happily married for 7 years.

And today happens to be our 10th Anniversary!

A joke from my 7 year old... What do you call a man who dips biscuits into his cup of tea?

Duncan

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My 7 year old son said he wanted a treehouse in our back garden.

25 years growing that tree and now he says he doesn't want it anymore... Ungrateful bastard.

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A 7 year old girl is walking through a fair with her two dogs

One dog is as black as charcoal and the other dog is white as snow. A man stops and says to her, "what lovely dogs you have there. What is that one's name?"

"Blackey," she replies, "because he is black"

"Oh that is very clever, and what is that one called?" he asks

"Porky," she ...

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if it's true that crows have the intelligence of a 7 year old human...

How come I've never seen a crow admitted to hospital for having a lego stuck up it's arse?

It’s been 7 years since my first job interview

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

Joke from my 7 year old cousin - Why did the ninja go to college?

He wanted to be a ninja-neer.

My 7 year old neice told me this joke today

What do you do when your nose goes on strike?


Pick it!

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Everyday Mom would take her 7 year Old Daughter for a drive in her car.

One day Mom was busy so Dad took the little girl for a drive.

Later Mom asked how was a drive with Dad?

Daughter: It was very strange. In the entire drive we did not see a single:

Idiot,
Nonsense,
Hell,
Bastard.

We Just Saw:

Hot,
Damn,
Wow,
Foxy...

At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a Dad and his 7 year old son.

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywh...

Sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and many hours of hard work, one of my colleagues was struck off today due to a minor indiscretion....

He slept with one of his patients. Even though they were good friends, he is no longer allowed to work in the profession he has loved all this time. Such a shame as he is a genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet...

A study revealed married men die on average 7 years before their wives. Do you know why?

Because we want to

A dad and his 7 year old son saw a pregnant lady.....

Son: whats up with her tummy, dad?

Dad: you know about it ,i know.

Son : I don't know what you mean, dad.

Dad: yes you do and I'm not telling you anything.

Son: no dad i don't know i swear.

Dad: okay, its because her tummy is filled with water.

Son: wouldn't...

(From my 7 year old) Why should you never give Queen Elsa a balloon?

Because she'll just let it go.

A chinese father tells his 7 year old son he's adopted

His son replies: it's ok daddy I learned this in school already! 2 wongs don't make a white.

So, the 7 year-old daughter is talking with her mom...

"Mom, today at school during break, Jason and I played doctor!" she says excitedly.
"Oh dear" the mother answers, fearing the worst "what did you two do?"
"Oh, not much, he made me wait forty-five minutes and then double billed the insurance company."

A friend of mine who was a doctor of 7 years got fired for sleeping with a patient

Really heartbreaking he was an astounding vet

What’s the first thing Mrs Clause did when Santa got home on Christmas morning ?

Emptied his sack.




(Compliments of my 7 year old son)



Edit - No he did not understand what he was saying and Yes we did tell him not to repeat it.

When I was 7 years old, I realized that Santa, The Tooth Fairy, and my dad all had the same handwriting.

Good thing none of those things actually exist.

A good friend of mine has been fired for a minor indiscretion after 7 years of medical school.

He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of time, money, and effort. He's still paying back his college loans. Just goes to show that one tiny mistake can ruin your life. My thoughts to him and his family.

He really is a good man, and a b...

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Little Jim (7 years old), his mother and his father go to the nude-beach...

Little Jim plays directly at the water. After 20 minutes he comes back to his mother and asks:

"Mama Mama, why are the breasts of all the women here sometimes small and sometimes big?"

The mother replies: "Well my son, the women with the big breasts are very intelligent, and the ones...

I never shower before church.

I like to sit in my own pew.



Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.

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One day, a 7 year old boy went to visit his grandmother.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes...

I heard Martin Shkreli is sentenced to 7 years in prison, although originally he was going to serve 51 days

they raised it 5000%

(Told by a 7 year old reading me a joke off of her SpongeBob Gogurt) "What is Plankton's grandma's favorite type of pudding?"

"Not labeled for individual sale!!!!!"

So a man who had been stranded on an island 7 years was finally rescued...

as the ship was pulling away from the island one of his rescuers was looking back at the island and noticed three huts on the beach. Curious, he asked the castaway what they were for. "Well" he replied "the first one there was my house and that one over there is my church" "and the other?" asked the...

A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other....

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us...

“What did you just call it?” I asked.

“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

Oh, jokes from 7 year-olds are cool now? From my son last night: "Why do sea gulls fly over the sea?"

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bay gulls ("like bagels, get it Dad?").

My 7 year old niece didn't realize she made a joke while playing Star Wars with me.

Me (Darth Vader): What have you done with those plans?!?
Her (Leia): It's over there in that little box.
Me: How can a disc fit in that little box?
Her: It was a floppy disc.

7 years ago today I pleaded with my snowman not to attempt the river crossing but he wouldn't listen and is lost to me forever.

It's all water under the bridge now.

A Joke I made up when I was 7 years old (It's politically incorrect)

Why did the lady tell her doctor she had breast cancer?

Because she wanted to get it off her chest.

What do pigs use when they get hurt?

Oink-ment

(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!)

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Two parents want to have sex

Their 7 years old son was in the room, so they tell him to go on the balcony to play with his toys

After the boy leaves they start having fun, after about 10 minutes the husband says:

-We should talk to him while he's on the balcony, i don't want him to feel alone

-Yeah, you're ...

“Because I’m the Dad, that’s why”

7 year old replies: “Hi Dad! I’m annoying!”

This really happened. I’m not sure how to feel about it.

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